


A Happy Life

by tigrin



Category: Acid Town (Manga)
Genre: Abduction, Backstory, Canon Compliant, Child Abuse, Dissociation, Harm to Children, Homelessness, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Original Character(s), Spoilers, Time Skips, Trauma, Underage Prostitution, Violence, Yakuza
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-11-22 04:34:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 17
Words: 80,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20868263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tigrin/pseuds/tigrin
Summary: “Be happy, Yuki. There might be a lot of hard times ahead, but… don’t make mistakes, okay? Don’t lose…”





	1. Fire - 火災

**Author's Note:**

> This was written between around March and September of 2019 and has spoilers for Acid Town up to chapter 45.
> 
> Big thanks to my beta readers who helped me look over and improve this fic!
> 
> This story mostly covers Yuki's backstory as I envisioned it between around ages 8 and 17. The timeline often jumps around, so play close attention to the cues to follow the timeline. I tried to treat the material with as much sensitivity as I could and avoided explicit scenes as much as possible, but I still think the content of this fic could be disturbing to some. I've tried to tag as many trigger warnings as I could but not everything is covered, so take care while reading. 
> 
> Some of the dialogue has been taken from the scanlations done by DP; the rest are new translations from the manga by myself.

The moment stretched out between them, punctuated by the steady beeps of machinery, the echo of footsteps out in the hallway, and the distant murmur of voices. A suffocating cloud of lily pollen from a vase under the window masked the sharp scent of rubbing alcohol and disinfectant. Afternoon sunlight filtered through the glass and gleamed off the polished tile floor and the crisp white linens of the bed. The boy’s tiny, frail hands clenched the folds of the sheets, trembling slightly. Yuki reached out to brush the top of the boy’s brown hair, ruffling the soft locks which reflected the sunlight.

“Don’t be silly,” he said, as the boy jumped in surprise. “We’ve already been through the worst, and we both survived, didn’t we?”

Yuki pulled his hand away from the sleeping toddler, tugging a tattered and dirty blanket up to the boy’s chin. He pushed himself up, his thin arms straining to carry him. The dark air sat warm and heavy on him. Outside the thin curtains of the window he could see a haze of red and white lights in the darkness. Even late at night, he could hear the distant rumble of cars, the thrumming bass of music, the whispers of muffled voices and moans and laughter somewhere in the building. A fan droned in the corner. Occasionally there was a heavy, grunting snore. Yuki flinched and glanced sideways over at the lump of a man, Ashiei, curled on a futon on the other side of the room. Empty bottles and convenience store wrappers littered the floor around the man’s head, and the mixed stench of sweat and alcohol and semen drifted off of him and stung Yuki’s nose. Shuddering, he slipped carefully out of the blanket away from his brother and rose to his feet. He padded across the room, his bare footsteps muffled against the frayed tatami matting, until he reached the cooler air of the doorway. Somewhere in the building, a door slammed, and Yuki stumbled backwards.

The front door burst open; the thin chain that held it closed scattered its links across the floor. His mother, Tsubaki, turned to get away and stumbled into a table, scattering papers and knocking over a tea cup. Tea splashed onto the table and soaked into the papers as the cup rolled off the edge and shattered on the floor. Yuki’s grandmother shrieked and pulled him out of sight behind her, so he had to lean around her leg to see. Three men pushed their way through the door, and the room burst into chaos. Tsubaki yelled and his grandmother screamed, throwing whatever was within arm’s reach at the intruders as they struggled to subdue the two women. A man with wild black hair and a smirking grin swept the room with a piercing gaze and Yuki felt an extra burst of fear rip up his spine. He wanted to help his mother and grandmother, but his mind was screaming at him to _ run, run away, _ his mother was shouting, his grandmother was shrieking obscenities in Chinese, and without thinking he turned and ran into the other room, stubbing his toe on a futon and stumbling into a wall. 

His back hit the door, and the small rapping sound it made against the wall sounded like a gunshot in the dark room, making Yuki wince. He froze, waiting, but Ashiei kept sleeping. Yuki crept out of the room into a small living space, crowded with bags of garbage and stacks of old magazines. Half-eaten takeout boxes sat atop a small, boxy TV quietly hissing static. Yuki wrinkled his nose, stepping towards the kitchen, glancing over the stained countertop piled with dishes, looking for a glass that wasn’t too dirty. He pushed a few dishes aside and grabbed a cup, peering into the cloudy liquid at the bottom in the dim red light of a fire alarm on the ceiling above his head. His reflection swam in the glass.

His reflection flashed in a mirror as he ran past the futons to the double closet, trying to ignore the shouting and screaming in the other room. With the futons still out on the floor, the right one was mostly empty; he pulled at the heavy wooden doors and made a crack just big enough to slip his small body through. Once he was inside, he slid the door closed with his bare feet, and the roar of the noise in the other room grew muffled. His head rapped against a shelf above him as he struggled to fit in the space. He rubbed the top of his head and muffled a whimper, his heart beating so loud in his chest he was sure the men in the other room had to hear it. The noise outside was growing softer; Yuki could hear a low crying he thought might be his grandmother, and the occasional slam of a cupboard being thrown open or the crash of something hitting the floor. A tense argument was going on between what sounded like his mother and one of the men. Heavy footsteps started towards him, and Yuki shrank against a pile of boxes as best he could, his heart hammering in his chest. He slapped his hands over his mouth as the footsteps stopped in front of the door. The door of the other closet was thrown open, and he winced as boxes were yanked out, books and knickknacks colliding against the floor with a thunderous roar. His heart leapt into his throat as the door to his left was kicked open, illuminating the boxes there, and he pulled his legs to his chest and willed himself to withdraw deeper into the shadows. After a moment the door slammed closed. The door in front of him was ripped open, and a flood of light stung his eyes.

Yuki closed the refrigerator door with a snap, and the kitchen was plunged back into darkness. Clutching a glass of tepid water and a half-eaten _onigiri_ rice ball in a plastic wrapper, he tiptoed over to the couch and cleared off a pile of used tissues to make himself a space. He climbed onto the couch, pulling his legs up to his chest, and took a bite of the rice ball. The cold, sticky rice stuck to his teeth like gum. The soft glow of the television sparkled in the water of the glass in his hand. The continuous drone of static was hissing in his ears. His vision swam out of focus; he rubbed tears out of his eyes and sniffed. When the room came back into focus, he was no longer alone.

In front of him, a boy was sitting on his haunches, his head in his hands, looking up at Yuki with a bored expression. Yuki felt a momentary panic that he’d woken up his brother Jun, but after a moment he realized the boy was older than Jun, and his eyes were different. With a sinking horror, he realized the eyes he was staring back into were his own.

“Is this it?” the boy said.

Yuki turned his head down to focus on the remnants of his _ onigiri _. Ignoring the boy worked in the past. Sometimes.

“Hey.” 

Yuki continued to chew slowly, the glass trembling in his hand. 

“I said, _ hey _.” 

He could see the reflection of the boy stand up in the water of the glass, and Yuki looked up to see they were now eye to eye. 

“W… what do you want?” Yuki whispered.

The boy tilted his head. “What do_ you _ want? Do you want to keep living like this forever?” 

Yuki tossed the empty wrapper aside and set the water glass down on the floor. “Do I have a choice?” he muttered. “I have to protect Jun.”

“Why? He isn’t even your real brother,” the boy said, and Yuki’s head snapped up to glare at him. “He’s the reason Mom’s dead.”

Yuki leaned back against the couch, folding his arms over his legs. “That’s not true.”

“Sure it is,” the boy said, and threw himself down on the couch beside Yuki, kicking his legs. “If she never had him, she’d still be alive, wouldn’t she?”

Yuki said nothing, just stared and worked his jaw. The boy sighed, and leaned forward into Yuki’s face. “We’re going to die, you know. We’re going to die just like she did.”

Yuki buried his nose in his arms. “No, we aren’t. Boys can’t have babies,” he grumbled. 

The boy giggled. “If they could you would have definitely had one by now. How many men have been inside you?” 

Yuki felt a wave of nausea crest over him. He rubbed his forehead in his arms and groaned. No matter how much he bathed he always felt like he could still smell them on him. His whole backside always ached. 

The boy sat back, still chuckling. “We’re going to die, and they’re going to do all that to Jun, and then he’s going to die, too.”

“No…” Yuki whimpered into his knees. 

The boy leapt to his feet. “Well, maybe we could still save Jun. If…” Yuki looked up. The boy’s eyes gleamed with the reflection of the TV, and a smile stretched across his face. Yuki blinked, and he was staring into the static of the TV, and the boy was gone. 

He rose trembling to his feet. As he started to walk back towards the bedroom, his toes caught something metal, and it spiraled across the floor. Wincing from the pain in his toes, Yuki leaned down to pick it up. The glow of the TV screen flashed across the surface of the lighter as Yuki turned it in his hand. He stared at the blurred smear of his own reflection in the burnished metal. His thumb popped open the top of the lighter and fumbled for the flint wheel. It took a few tries turning the wheel with his shaky thumb until a spark caught the gas inside the lighter and a flame leapt from the top. Yuki watched, mesmerized, as the little flame flickered in the wake of his breath.

In the static, he could hear his screams and cries blending with those of his brother. He could hear the cackling of the men who abused them. In the swimming reflections on the lighter he could see a wash of blood, of sweat, of semen. It all blazed in the flames that would lick at their corpses after he and his brother had been squeezed of all usefulness and tossed aside in the gutter. The static intensified to a roar; the flames consumed them.

The lighter snapped shut. His trembling stopped. The sound dropped out. His head seemed to turn on his own, his body took one step, and then two, his hands pushed through the debris and garbage to find a small canister of lighter fluid. He rolled the canister in his hand and pocketed the lighter. One step, two steps, ten back to the bedroom door where Ashiei lay sleeping in a pile of empty liquor bottles and wrappers and used condoms. 

Ashiei’s face appeared in the light, squinting into the darkness of the closet. He caught sight of Yuki and grinned.

The lighter fluid poured out of the bottle onto Ashiei’s blankets. As they soaked into his clothes, Ashiei grunted and turned his head into his pillow, but didn’t wake up.

Ashiei leered at him as his thumb brushed Yuki’s lips. “Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten the good old times?” he sneered, and the bag of books Yuki was carrying dropped to the ground.

The empty bottle of lighter fluid bounced off the tatami mat. Yuki fumbled for the lighter in his pocket.

“Yukio! Don’t you forget!” Even as he ran, Tetsu leading him by the arm, he could still hear Ashiei screaming behind him. “You are hopelessly filthy! Don’t bother trying to live a clean life like a normal person!”

One click, two, and a flame burst from the lighter. He dropped the lighter, watching it spin from his hands.

A large hand reached for him and he tried to kick it away. Ashiei cursed and grabbed him by the leg, dragging him out of the closet, as his mother screamed somewhere in the other room. He yelled and hit at whatever he could reach, but Ashiei was much bigger than him. The light from the doorway danced in front of his eyes as he struggled.

The flame caught the lighter-fluid-soaked blankets and burst into vivid life. Yuki backed into the wall, as Ashiei roared awake, his confusion giving way to screams of pain. He struggled to put out the fire but it was crawling up his arm, fanning out across the bed onto the old tatami mat. The noise and the smell of smoke and burning flesh woke up Jun and he began to cry. Fear burst back into Yuki’s awareness and he rushed to Jun’s side, and his arms closed over Jun just as a hand grabbed the back of his shirt.

Ashiei dragged Yuki by the back of his shirt kicking and screaming into the living room. Yuki could see his grandmother kneeling with her head in her hands, and a man pinning Tsubaki’s arms behind her back, who was struggling to reach Yuki. With a heave, Ashiei tossed Yuki into a table; the explosion of pain silenced Yuki and he crumpled to the ground. 

Yuki rolled to get away from Ashiei, trying not to crush Jun in the process. The fire that engulfed Ashiei’s hand had skipped to Yuki’s shirt, and distantly Yuki was aware of a searing pain spreading across his back. The whole room was bursting into flames now; Ashiei turned and ran for the bathroom. It was difficult to see anything other than brilliant flames and the black smoke stinging Yuki’s eyes. He hefted a sobbing Jun, slapping a hand to the toddler’s mouth to block out the smoke, and ran blindly for the front door. The fire alarm in the kitchen was flashing as the flames licked at the garbage bags and consumed the television. As Yuki ripped open the front door and skidded into the hall, a chirping, wailing siren filled the air. There was a rush of half-dressed people trying to escape the building, crushing in on him from every side.

His grandmother wailed as Tsubaki and Yuki were pulled from the room and out into the hall by the three men. It was a blur of heads peeking out of doors that snapped closed as they passed. 

The crowd poured out onto the street. Yuki held Jun close as he ran past gawking onlookers, past convenience stores and massage parlors and nightclubs and soaplands, the crowds a sea of faces fixed on a distant plume of smoke and whirling flame. His legs ached, smoke burned in his lungs, and the pain in his back was so overwhelming that he made a sharp turn into a dark alleyway and collapsed to his knees, coughing, Jun tumbling from his grip. He stared down at his hands shaking in the dirt, but he could only see

Ashiei’s hands, the skin curling away from the rush of fire, the fingertips turning black

Ashiei’s hands stretched along the ground, scars peeking out behind dark gloves, a pool of blood seeping beneath his fingers from a hole in the back of his head, bits of hair and skull and brain matter floating in the blood like the blood smeared across

Yuki’s hands trembling in the dirt in front of him as Jun cried, and a fire engine siren wailed, and people shouted, and he sank down into the dirt in a haze of pain, and he didn’t see or hear or feel anything for a while.


	2. Ash - 灰燼

The sun shone hot on his back, and brilliant white in his eyes where it reflected off the back of the man carrying him. His little hands clutched the man’s broad shoulders, his tiny legs dangling from the man’s strong arms, one small foot slightly askew. The drip of tears and snot felt cool on his face in the beating sunlight, and he swung his other foot to the droning rhythm of cicadas and the beat of the man’s footsteps. Yuki could see sweat dripping down the back of the man’s neck from his cropped black hair, soaking into his collar. Yuki tugged the collar down and caught the barest glimpse of a tattoo peeking out. The man glanced back at him and said something, but his words just sounded like a cicada’s chirps. They turned a corner towards the apartment building and Yuki caught sight of his mother running out to meet them, her lips moving soundlessly. 

Jun ran alongside, dodging around the debris of the alleyway. His lips were moving, but Yuki could only feel the rumble of a reply from the broad back beneath him. They emerged from the dark alley and the city lights streaked past. The rest was a blinding white obscuring his vision, an intense heat on his back and an overwhelming pain burning up the edges of everything he knew. He could only tell he was screaming by the feeling of air leaving his mouth and his chest constricting. There was the slow rumble again of someone speaking soothing words, as the world glided past them, and the heat enveloped him, and he sank into a white void. 

The white linens, the white tile glowed softly in the afternoon light. An IV bag turned slowly on a stand, the fluids sparkling, as Jun shifted his arm to close the book he was holding. He reached forward, and Yuki startled backwards in surprise before Jun’s fingers could brush his swollen cheek.

“What happened?” Jun said, his small face puckered in concern. “Did you get into a fight?”

Yuki tried to smile, even though it stung. “Something like that.”

Jun looked around. “Where’s Tetsu? Isn’t he with you?”

“Not today.”

“Because you got in a fight?”

Yuki tilted his head, toying with the zipper on his jacket. “Something like that.”

“If you got in a fight, you should apologize,” Jun said, opening the book back up. 

“Apologize… that’s a big word.”

“Yeah, I just saw it in my book… see?” Jun held the book up to Yuki. The characters on the pages were a messy blur. The slow and steady beeping of machinery was growing from a soothing rhythm to a sharp staccato pricking the inside of his head. A wave of scorching heat washed over him, and the room spun.

When the room stopped spinning, he was lying on his stomach with his head cricked to the side, gazing at a blur. Beneath the dim yellow glow of the overhead lights the blur was reforming into the shapes of machinery and cabinets, and a big dark shape sitting in a chair, and a much smaller one running up to him, almost too small to reach the top of the bed. The smaller shape formed the wide eyes and messy hair of a toddler Jun, face smeared with dried snot and tears. “Big Brother!” 

In a warm haze, he tried to reach to pat the top of Jun’s head, but his arm was tangled in an IV line. He caught a glimpse of a white band wrapped around his thin wrist with a few vague details on it – male, 14 years old, name –

“Yukio, is it?” a low voice rumbled from the dark shape. Yuki’s eyes snapped wide and struggled to refocus on the big dark shape, which reformed into the slumping figure of an older man with a scraggly beard and long stringy hair streaked with gray. He was shabbily dressed, and even from across the room, the stench of body odor and refuse and alcohol was unmistakable. 

Fear shot through Yuki and he struggled to get up and grab Jun, but his body wasn’t cooperating; the best he could do was a violent twitch and a moaning grunt. His lungs seized and broke into a hacking cough. The slow beeping burst into a frenzy of rapid pips.

“Woah!” The man held up his hands and smiled. He was missing a few teeth, and the remaining teeth were so dark they almost disappeared into his mouth. It gave his words a slight whistle when he spoke. “It’s alright, there there, calm down. You’re all hooked up so better not to move around, right? I’m sorry, this one told me your name. Your little brother?” 

Jun patted Yuki’s arm, and the beeping began to slow to a more regular rhythm. Yuki refocused on Jun’s face, squinting. He swallowed, his tongue like sandpaper against the roof of his mouth. His pulse was pounding in his head. “Jun,” he rasped through strained vocal cords. “You okay? Are you hurt?”

Jun shook his head, his dirty hair tossing from side to side. “I’m okay. You’re hurt!”

Hurt? In the back of his mind, Yuki knew there must be pain somewhere, but all he felt was a pressure like a heavy blanket pressing all along his back. He glanced up at an IV bag hanging from the wall by his head, its contents dripping slowly into the line. “Hurt… how?”

“Your back,” the old man answered, leaning back in the chair and crossing his legs. He was helping himself to a package of rice crackers on a tray next to the bed. “Second degree burns across the whole lot of it. If you were in the middle of that fire, you’re lucky it’s not a lot worse.”

The fire… Yuki clamped his eyes shut but he could still see the flames crawling up Ashiei’s arm as he screamed… was Ashiei still alive? Did anyone know about them? What Yuki had done? “Where are we?” Yuki said, voice still raspy. “Are we at a hospital?”

“Mmm, not exactly,” the man said. “More of a clinic, really. For the poor. Can’t afford a hospital, boy. Don’t got insurance anymore, you see.”

Yuki sagged a bit in relief. At least if they weren’t at a hospital, they might be more difficult to find. Insurance… “Did you… did you bring me here?”

The man nodded, swallowing a big mouthful of crackers. “Heard the little one screaming his head off while I was out looking through trash… non-burnables day, you know… and I found you there all bloodied up and barbecued. Little guy was throwing such a fit that I felt too sorry to just leave you there like that. So, threw you over my shoulder and brought you here. You’re welcome,” he said, taking a gulp of water from a jug on the tray.

Jun was cooing happily and toying with the wristband on Yuki’s arm. Yuki glanced down at him, at the ash smudged across his cheeks and sprinkled into his hair. “Thank you… uh…”

“Call me Daisuke,” the man said.

“Daisuke-san. Thanks.”

Daisuke clapped his hands to his knees and got up out of his chair. “Well, it’s about time I get going and let you rest. What do you think, little guy?” he said as he stepped to Jun’s side, brushing some of the ash out of his hair. “Wanna come with me to the bathhouse and get cleaned up? Let your brother take a nap? The nice doctor gave me a couple tokens, so long as I leave his clinic right away.”

Jun looked up at Daisuke and smiled, but Yuki instinctively wrapped his arm around Jun and pulled him close. Jun gave a little yelp of surprise. 

Daisuke’s eyes went wide, then he gave a lopsided grin. “No good, huh? Well, if you ever change your mind, little soot ball, let me know. I’ll come back to check on you if that’s alright.”

Jun waved at Daisuke as he showed himself out of the room, and only when the door snapped shut did Yuki relax his grip on Jun. The toddler crawled up onto the bed, carefully avoiding Yuki’s back and the medical equipment, and curled up next to his side. Yuki turned his head to look at him, watching his tiny chest rise and fall, and felt a crushing exhaustion envelop him. He sank down, down into a suffocating darkness that flowed like smoke around him.

The choking taste of cigarette smoke made him cough. In the dim light of the hallway, Yuki flitted around from one door to another, every muscle taut and ready to spring away at a moment’s notice if one of the patrons should spot him. He knew what Jingli would say if she saw him wandering around out here, would probably box his ears too if she found him. But she was… busy right now. He did his best to block out the moaning sounds, the creaking of the floorboards, the thump of music from the club downstairs. He hung a right and followed a corridor down to a door that was slightly ajar. He peeked around the door, squinting into a dark room.

His mother was sitting half naked on a futon on the floor, having a low argument with a man with shaggy black hair that Yuki had come to recognize as Ashiei. As he watched, the argument grew more heated, until Ashiei wound up and slapped Tsubaki across the face. Rage leapt in Yuki’s heart and his legs twitched, but he forced himself not to charge into the room; that had never worked out well for either of them in the past. Tsubaki shrieked and swung a fist, but Ashiei easily caught it, as weak as she’d become. He pushed her down to the floor and hovered a foot over her stomach, but she pulled up her legs to block him, screaming and crying. He put his foot down on the floor and she stopped struggling, her hands over her face. He watched her for a moment, panting, then reached to unbuckle his belt.

Yuki jumped away from the door, shaking, and looked around for somewhere to hide. There was a cart with some towels on it near the door; he crouched on the other side, and waited. After what felt like an agonizingly long time, the door creaked open, and Yuki peeked around the cart to see Ashiei walking away down the hall, swaying a bit and throwing an arm out to steady himself against the wall. When he’d turned the corner out of sight, Yuki snuck out from behind the cart and darted into the room.

Tsubaki was sitting on the futon, her back to the door, gazing at a small frosted window. Bright neon lights flashed outside the glass. She was toying with something in her hands, and when Yuki stepped around to get a better look, he saw it was the locket necklace he’d given her what felt like ages ago, but was only a few years.

“Tsubaki?” Yuki said. 

Tsubaki jumped like she’d been shot, turning her head wildly before catching sight of Yuki. She held the locket to her heart. “Yuki,” she said, her voice strained. “I thought I told you not to come over here again.”

Yuki knelt next to her. “I know, I’m sorry.”

Tsubaki scrubbed tears from her cheeks, and winced where one side was beginning to swell up. She took several deep, shuddering breaths. “Oh, Yuki,” she whimpered. “I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do.” 

“What do you mean? About what?”

She just shook her head and threw her arms around him, sobbing. 

Yuki leaned back but found he couldn’t get away. He tried to hug her back, but it didn’t bring her any comfort; she just held on tighter and wailed louder. “Tsubaki? Tsubaki, what’s wrong?” It was getting hard to breathe; he pushed, but she didn’t move away. “Mom, you’re hurting me!”

She let go and pulled back, her hands still on his shoulders. “I’m so sorry, Yuki,” she said. “Oh, it’s…”

“- a boy!” Jingli said, handing over the tiny bundle to Tsubaki, still red-faced and panting on the bed. 

Tsubaki reached out to take him, her hands trembling as she brought him to her breast. Yuki tried to peer around a small crowd of girls standing around the bed, all congratulating Tsubaki and whispering excitedly to each other. Jingli watched them disapprovingly, the stark black tattoos rippling on her arms as she reached to pull the girls away. “Alright, give her some space, ladies! Don’t you have work to do?”

The girls muttered in disappointment and filed out of the room. Yuki seized the chance to dart up to the bedside and sneak a look at his new baby brother. For a terrifying moment he wasn’t sure of what he’d see, of what he expected to see… but as he peered around the blanket, he realized it was nothing more than an ordinary-looking newborn, with the barest whisper of brown hair and still covered in a pale white film that Yuki thought looked a little gross. Tsubaki held on tightly to it, brushing her hand along the top of its head. Exhausted as she was, there was nothing else in the world at that moment than the baby in her arms. She was murmuring to it, so quietly Yuki could barely hear, in what sounded like Chinese.

Yuki stepped back, feeling out of place. He felt a hand settle on his head and flinched, but it was only Jingli. She always looked so tough with her piercings and her tattoos and her cropped hair, but she flashed him a warm smile. “It’s okay, Yuki,” she said. “Everything’s going to be fine.”

_ Everything’s going to be fine. Everything’s going to be fine. _ He repeated it to himself over and over, every day that he sat by Tsubaki’s bedside.  _ Everything’s going to be fine. Everything’s going to be fine. _ The baby grew a little bigger, while Tsubaki grew a little weaker, every day.  _ Everything’s going to be fine. _ The number of medication bottles at her bedside grew, scattered amongst bottles of formula, because Tsubaki’s milk couldn’t be used anymore.  _ Everything’s going to be fine. _ Yuki rocked the baby while Tsubaki slept, her brown hair matted and dirty, her face a little gaunt.  _ Everything’s going to be fine.  _ Jingli showed Yuki how to change the baby’s diaper, which she always called Baobao, “baby”, as if afraid of getting too attached to him. _ Everything’s going to be fine.  _ But Jingli wouldn’t say it anymore; she read the monitors and tried unsuccessfully to get Tsubaki to take her medication. Tsubaki just shook her head and demanded to see her baby, and the two of them would shout at each other, while the baby howled.  _ Everything’s going to be fine.  _ Tsubaki couldn’t shout anymore; she floated in and out of consciousness, sometimes murmuring in Japanese, sometimes crying in Chinese. She’d turn her head and talk as if her late husband Ryuu were standing there.  _ Everything’s going to be fine.  _ Yuki sat by Tsubaki’s bedside, watching her sweating and groaning from pain, and a nasty, horrible thought crossed his head – that he just wanted it to end.

“Everything’s going to be fine,” he murmured to her, but he couldn’t trust his own words anymore.

Tsubaki turned her head; she had been watching the shadows of the rain outside moving past the curtains in a daze. For the first time in a while, Yuki felt like she was really seeing him. “Yuki,” she said, her voice almost a whisper. She reached out to cup the side of his face, and he held onto her hand.

“Be happy, Yuki,” she said, in-between ragged breaths. “There might be a lot of hard times ahead, but… don’t make mistakes, okay? Don’t lose…”

Yuki gritted his teeth and nodded, even if he wasn’t sure what she was saying. Her hand trembled as it went to her chest, and she tugged out the locket from under her sweat-soaked shirt. She gazed down at it, smiling, her eyes half-lidded. “Yuki…” she whispered.

Yuki leaned closer. “What?”

She put her head back on the pillow and her mouth moved, but he could only hear voiceless breath pushing out of her lungs. He leaned in closer, but he couldn’t hear that anymore, either. The hand holding his face went limp in his hands. Startled, he dropped it, and it fell to the bed. 

For the longest time he didn’t move. He knew there were people moving around behind him, that things were going on in the room, but it was all happening somewhere far away. When he came to, someone had placed a white sheet over Tsubaki’s body, and the room was dark. There was the heavy weight of a hand on his shoulder, and he dragged his eyes away from the body to look up, expecting to see Jingli, expecting to hear one more time, “Everything’s going to be fine.”

He looked up at a dark face, black hair falling down towards him, stubble surrounding the grim line of Ashiei’s mouth. One arm was holding the baby, asleep in a blanket, and the other was hauling Yuki off of the stool. He pulled Yuki towards the door, and an incensed Jingli was shouting at Ashiei, and another girl was trying to pull the baby from his arms, but he threw them off. Yuki felt something cold touch his palm, and looked down to see Jingli curling his fingers around the locket. He could only trudge forward, his ears still ringing with a long, shrill tone.  _ Yuki. Be happy, Yuki. Everything’s going to be fine. _


	3. Beginnings - 原始

“I don’t want to hear a single peep from either of you, or I’ll rip out your tongues,” Ashiei growled, towering above them. Yuki clutched the baby to his chest and scowled. “Just stay behind me and keep your head down, and everything will be fine.”

They were standing outside an ornate door flanked by two thuggish guards. At an unspoken signal, one of the guards stepped forward and opened the door, tilting his head to beckon them in. Ashiei gave Yuki one last critical look before turning and stepping through the door. Yuki adjusted the pacifier in Jun’s mouth, and followed behind.

They were in a large, dim room. The far wall was lined with tall windows looking out onto the glittering lights of Shanghai below them. The other walls were decorated with classical Chinese artwork. A few big black leather couches took up one corner, and in the middle of the room was a large desk, the polished cherry wood gleaming under a glass lamp. Behind the desk, a man was sitting, his head resting on one hand as he sifted through a stack of papers. He didn’t even look up as they came in, the guards following them in and closing the door behind them with a muffled thud, then melding back into the shadows.

Ashiei stepped forward and sank to his knees, laying his hands on the polished marble tile and bowing his head. Yuki sat down hard to stay behind him and as hidden as possible, the baby making a small noise of surprise at the sudden change of position.

For a long moment it was silent except for the rustle of papers, and a low murmur. Yuki glanced over at the couches and realized there were two young boys lounging there – so identical they appeared to be twins, and not much older than he was. They looked almost like two China dolls. They were focused on a handheld video game, each holding one side of the device. While intently playing, they were having a very low argument about something. Yuki gazed longingly at the game, and almost forgot why he was there until a low, clear voice broke the silence.

“I thought I told you,” the man said, in a slow, measured tone, “not to come here again, Ashiei.”

Ashiei gave another bow, his hair brushing the floor. “Brother Wang…” he began, but was cut off by a loud sigh and the creak of a wooden chair scraping on the tile as the man sat back, tossing a folder on the desk.

“What is it you want this time? We had a deal, didn’t we?” Wang stood up and walked around the desk, leaning against it and crossing his legs. “You take the fall for me, and I get you the whore. That was what you wanted, wasn’t it? I delivered on my end of the bargain, didn’t I?”

Yuki could see Ashiei’s back tremble a bit. “Yes… but…”

“But what? Let me guess: She’s dead, isn’t she?” Ashiei flinched. The man shook his head. “Oh, little brother. You always were too rough with your toys. So, what do you want from me? You want another one?”

Ashiei raised his head a little. “No, actually… I brought something for you.”

Wang straightened up. “Oh, really? What is it?”

Yuki was so busy watching this exchange with growing fear that he didn’t notice Jun had accidentally pushed the pacifier out of his mouth and hadn’t been able to grab it back. Jun let out a loud, ringing wail before Yuki managed to stuff the pacifier back in his mouth.

The baby’s cry rang off the tile and polished surfaces for a moment. There was a tense silence as everyone, including the boys on the couch, stared in Yuki’s direction.

Wang raised an eyebrow at Ashiei. “Even I have standards. A baby? Whose is it? It can’t be yours, can it?” When Ashiei didn’t respond, he started to laugh. “Oh, this is too good! The son of a whore and his whore, what does that make their progeny, I wonder? You should just drown it, like any other bitch’s whelp.”

“It’s not about the baby,” Ashiei grumbled. He turned and snatched the baby from Yuki’s arms. He grabbed the front of Yuki’s shirt and pulled him out of the shadows, pushing him towards Wang. Yuki stumbled and fell to one knee, pain radiating through his leg from where it struck the marble. Wincing, he looked up.

Wang couldn’t have looked any more different from his brother. He was immaculately dressed and groomed down to the last strand of his slick black hair. His white suit had never seen a speck of dust. He was gazing down at Yuki with an interested expression, eyes slightly widened and arching brows raised. Wang was beautiful, but in the same way one could say a snake was beautiful: graceful, but deadly.

“Oh? What’s this?” He leaned down to look at Yuki closer, scanning him up and down. Yuki scrambled to his feet to try to even out the height difference, but he didn’t even come close. He took a step back. There was a slight smile on Wang’s face, a little like the ones Yuki used to see back at the brothel, and he felt a renewed surge of fear.

“This is Yukio Sanada,” Ashiei said.

Wang perked up, his attention shifting to Ashiei. “Sanada?” The smile stretched into a pearly grin. “It can’t be, _that _Sanada? Oh, Ashiei, really. That’s sadistic even for you.” Wang turned his attention back down to Yuki, who was frozen in fear, too scared to run back behind Ashiei. Wang stared into Yuki’s wide eyes, studying his face. “Yes, I think I see the resemblance. His mother _was_ beautiful, even for a whore. And I do think I remember this expression,” he said, as he reached to caress the side of Yuki’s face. “Just like his father’s, before I drained the life out of him.”

Fear clashed with a white-hot rage, and before Yuki knew what he was doing, he was sinking his teeth into the smooth, porcelain skin of Wang’s hand.

In an instant, one of the guards was on him, striking the back of Yuki’s neck with a sharp blow. Yuki yelped and Wang snatched his hand back, dark red half-moon marks starting to bloom droplets of blood on the pale skin. The guard shoved Yuki to the floor, kicking the boy, before a wave from Wang stopped him.

Yuki pushed himself off the floor, shaking with rage and fear, edging away from the guard. He wheezed through the pain in his ribs, but didn’t look up. Through the ringing in his ears, he could hear Wang laughing.

“You did bring me a treat this time, didn’t you?” Wang said, chuckling. He pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and blotted at the blood on the back of his hand. Yuki snuck a glance upwards at Wang, but he didn’t look angry; if anything, he looked wildly excited, like a child with a new toy. He walked back around the desk and sat back in his chair. “What is it you want to do with him? Put him with the others? See if any of that breeding comes out?”

Ashiei got up and stood next to Yuki, glaring at the guard, who slunk back to his corner. “I want half,” Ashiei said, “and I want to go back to Japan.”

Wang’s expression faltered a bit. He put his feet up on the desk and scratched his chin. Ashiei yanked Yuki up to his feet so Wang could still see him. Wang regarded them both for a long moment, rocking in the chair, before slamming his feet back down to the floor. “Done.” He held out his hand, and Ashiei stepped forward eagerly to shake it. Wang grabbed Ashiei’s hand and pulled him in close, whispering something in his ear. Ashiei’s eyes darted between Wang and Yuki, and after a moment’s hesitation, he nodded. Wang chuckled and released Ashiei’s hand. Ashiei gave Yuki a shove in the back towards the door, which the guards were already opening to show them out. Yuki glanced back at the twins with the gamepad, and was startled to see them glaring back at him, scowls on their faces. As they were pushed out of the room, he could hear a ringing voice calling out after them,

“It was a pleasure to meet you, Yukio!”

The door closed with a snap, and Jun waved at the doctor as he turned to attend to another patient. Yuki tugged on Jun’s hand, the other holding a full plastic bag. He glanced up at Daisuke’s back in front of them as they headed towards the reception desk. Yuki held back, watching Daisuke smile at the receptionist. She shook off his flirtations with a nervous smile, and handed him a piece of paper. Daisuke frowned, digging into his pocket and pulling out a small wad of dirty 1000-yen bills all crumpled together. A number of 100- and 50-yen coins tinkled as they hit the tile floor. Daisuke smoothed out some of the bills on the side of the counter and handed them over with some coins. The receptionist accepted the money with a bow and waved them to the door. Grumbling, Daisuke scooped up the coins off the floor and nodded to Yuki to follow him outside. A bell tied to the door tinkled as they stepped out onto the street.

For a moment, Yuki and Daisuke just stared at one another, while Jun swung Yuki’s hand back and forth. Daisuke looked away first with a puffing sigh. “So, want to grab lunch? I’m starving. There’s a spot nearby we could hit up.”

“Food!” Jun chirped, and Daisuke turned to him and smiled.

“That’s right, little soot ball, food,” Daisuke said, turning to walk down the street.

To Yuki’s alarm and dismay, Jun immediately let go of his hand and ran after Daisuke, grabbing onto the edge of the man’s coat instead. Yuki jogged to catch up, though Daisuke made slow progress; he walked with a pronounced limp.

“Lunch” was a local soup kitchen that handed out miso soup and rice balls under a nearby train line. Today’s offering was tuna mayo. There was a small gathering of homeless men there, many of whom looked like Daisuke. They called and waved to him. The charity workers there gave Yuki and Jun a surprised look, but handed over the food anyway.

Daisuke found a relatively clean spot nearby to sit down on the ground and Jun scampered after him, forcing Yuki to trail behind. Yuki dropped the plastic bag with a sigh and winced as he sat down next to Jun, feeling the still open wounds on his back pulling beneath the bandages under his shirt. They sat and ate their lunch mostly in silence, until one of the other homeless men came over.

“Hey, Daisuke!” the man said. He was a stooped man even older than Daisuke, with thick glasses, a heavily lined face, and a crooked smile. Yuki couldn’t help noticing that the man appeared to be wearing bathroom slippers on his feet. The boy looked down at his own, dirty bare feet.

Daisuke looked up and grinned. “Hey! Long time no see.”

The man stood next to them, his thin legs trembling. “Where you been these days? Are you at that park over by the river still?”

“Nah, they cleared out that spot months ago. We’re over by the sewer nowadays.”

The man made a face. “Well, it’s quieter there, I guess. Could be worse, could be worse.” He turned to glance at Yuki and Jun. “Who are your friends here?”

Daisuke waved at the two boys. “These are… my nephews. Say hi, boys.”

“Hi!” Jun said. Yuki choked on a chunk of tuna and rice. He took a big gulp of the miso soup to try to clear his throat. Daisuke reached over and thumped him on the back.

The man raised an eyebrow. “Nephews, huh? It’s nice to meet you. What are they doing out here, Daisuke?” He looked back at Daisuke with an accusatory frown.

Daisuke scratched the back of his head. “Uh, it’s kind of a long story. But, they’re going to be staying with me now. Isn’t that right?” he said, shooting a sheepish grin at Jun.

“Right!” Jun replied, nodding his head so hard a piece of rice that had stuck to his cheek flew off. Yuki shot Jun a glare that went unnoticed.

“Is that right? Well, if you boys ever need anything,” he said, giving them a pointed look, “just let me know. You don’t have to stay with this old turd.”

“Bah! Get on already!” Daisuke said, shooing the man away. The man shook his head and shuffled back slowly to another group.

Yuki coughed and looked back at Daisuke. “We can’t stay with you,” he said.

“Huh? Why not?” Daisuke said.

Yuki glanced over at Jun, who had smashed the rice ball and was picking up rice kernels and tuna bits one at a time and popping them into his mouth. “It’s… kind of complicated.”

Daisuke crossed his arms. “Uncomplicate it for me, then. This related to your burn?”

“Yeah, kinda.”

“It illegal?”

“… maybe.”

“Someone after you?”

“… possibly.”

Daisuke snorted. “All the more reason to stay with me. No one’s gonna look for you in the gutter, kid. Besides, you wouldn’t last two seconds out here on your own.”

“I think we could manage,” Yuki said with a scowl.

Jun’s attention had shifted to watching the two of them talk back and forth. “I wanna stay with Dai-kay!” he said, raising a hand.

“This isn’t a vote, Jun,” Yuki groaned.

Daisuke waved a hand at Jun. “See, soot ball wants it.”

“Well I’m the big brother, and what I say, goes,” Yuki said. He picked up his trash and the plastic bag and started to stand up. “Come on, Jun.”

Daisuke frowned and stood up after them, his bad leg shaking. He grabbed Yuki’s arm holding the bag, and Yuki froze. “Now, hold on one second,” Daisuke said in a lower voice. “I helped you out back there. I think that means you owe me.”

Yuki glared back at him. “What do you want?”

“Just your help is all. Not as young as I used to be; I could use someone like you. And I can show you the ropes, show you how to survive out here.”

Yuki looked away. Jun was looking up at them with his eyebrows knitted and his lips pouting, confused and concerned. Yuki bit his lip, and sighed. “Alright. Fine,” he said.

“There’s a good boy,” Daisuke said, releasing Yuki’s arm. “Oh! One more thing.” He dug a hand into the plastic bag, pushing aside packages of sterile bandages and iodine wipes. He emerged with a bottle of pain pills, a prescription label marked with Yuki’s name on the side. “You mind sharing?” He gave the bottle a vigorous shake, the pills rattling around inside.

Ashiei slammed the pill bottle on the floor, the pill caplets jumping and rattling against the lid. “First thing you need to know,” he said, tapping the lid of the bottle. “is how to deal with these.”

Yuki and Ashiei were sitting across from one another on the dirty tatami floor. Yuki was sitting on his feet, his knees pressed together and his shoulders by his ears. Ashiei was more relaxed, leaning back a bit against the edge of his futon and looking almost bored. The baby was curled up on Yuki’s futon, fast asleep.

Yuki squinted at the pill bottle. “Uh, aspirin?”

“No, you idiot,” Ashiei said, tapping the pill bottle hard against Yuki’s forehead with a loud rattle. “Drugs, kid. Drugs.”

Yuki rubbed his forehead. “W- what kind of drugs?”

Ashiei started to fiddle with the lid of the bottle. Without his other arm to support him, he swayed a little and almost fell over. “The bad kind. Kind that’ll kill you, eventually, if you get addicted to them.” The lid came off with a pop, and Ashiei tipped a few caplets into his hand. “Might feel pretty good at first, might even make you forget, but trust me. It’s not worth it. Got it?”

Yuki wasn’t sure he got it, but he nodded anyway.

“Good,” Ashiei sniffed. “Now, watch. Somebody gives you one of these,” he said, holding up a caplet between thumb and forefinger, “here’s what you do.” He popped the caplet in his mouth, worked his jaw, swallowed, and a moment later, stuck out his empty tongue.

Yuki tilted his head to try and look in Ashiei’s mouth, and his nose wrinkled at Ashiei’s breath. “What’d you do?”

Ashiei put his tongue back in his mouth and grinned. He stuck his tongue out again, and the caplet was resting on the end. He stuck it back in his mouth and swallowed, for real this time. “Just stick it up next to your teeth with your tongue and cover it with your cheek. Then when you get a chance, just spit it out somewhere.” He held out his hand with the caplets. “You try it.”

Yuki glanced at the aspirin caplets and selected one, turning it over in his hand. He popped the caplet in his mouth, feeling it tumble around his tongue, and tried to maneuver it up in the space next to his upper molars. It was harder than it seemed; the caplet kept slipping off or sticking to his saliva. The sugary taste of the caplet coating was seeping into his mouth. He coughed and spat out the pill, which was rapidly dissolving in his hand. He wiped it off on the futon.

Ashiei shook his head. “Gotta get it right before your debut, brat,” he said.

Yuki wiped his hand on his pants. “You said these guys have a lot of money, right?”

Ashiei sniffed and started pawing around the edge of the futon. “That’s right, but only if you’re a good boy. Gotta make a good first impression,” he chuckled. He pulled out a flask from under the futon and started trying to twist the top open with his teeth. He gave up and risked falling over to use both hands. “So, none of that biting crap you pulled with Wang. He might be into that shit, but not these guys.”

Yuki bit his lip and balled his hands into fists on his knees. His mother and the other girls had never let him stick around at the brothel when they were working. He wasn’t entirely sure what it was they had to do, and what he’d seen definitely didn’t seem enjoyable, even if the men always seemed happy about it. Tsubaki always acted like it didn’t affect her, but he’d often catch her crying when she thought she was alone.

Yuki glanced over at Jun, curled up and sleeping. “Does it hurt?” he asked.

Ashiei downed the flask and tossed it aside. “I don’t know, it might. Probably. Yeah, it’ll probably hurt.” He paused to watch Yuki staring at his knees and shaking. He grinned. “Why, you scared?”

Yuki rubbed at his face with the back of his hand. “N-no! I’m not. I’m not scared.”

Ashiei sat up, leaning towards Yuki. “Listen, Yukio, you’ve got nothing to worry about,” he said. Yuki looked up, saw the grin on Ashiei’s face, and tried to move away. Ashiei’s hand shot out and clamped down onto Yuki’s shoulder. Ashiei leaned in. “I’ll teach you everything you need to know.”

A heavy hand pushed Yuki’s shoulder, and he straightened up against the wall, sidling closer to another boy on his left. Yuki glanced down along the wall at a small line of several different boys, all neatly dressed, and each with a different facial expression. The boy next to him was a head shorter; he was staring at his feet and silently weeping. Another, taller boy was staring straight forward with his brow furrowed and his lips drawn into a line, watching the group of men on the other side of the room, stretched out around a long set of low tables and drinking uproariously. The large, dim room was awash with cigarette smoke and the din of men trying to shout over one another in a mix of Chinese and Japanese. Yuki craned his head and saw that another boy with dyed red hair and a sharp profile was watching the men with a slight smirk on his face, leaning against the wall with his legs crossed. The other few boys looked to be in various states of abject terror.

A shape swam in front of Yuki’s face, and he pulled his attention back just in time to see another large hand coming towards his mouth. He only caught a glimpse of something in the man’s hand before the fingers popped past his lips and pushed something to the back of his throat. Yuki panicked and choked, clawing at the hand, but it was too late; he felt the caplet squeeze down his throat and the man’s hand retract. Yuki gagged, trying to make himself retch it back up, but he couldn’t; he could barely breathe. He could tell from the sounds on his left that the other boys were getting a similar treatment; the exception seemed to be the red-haired boy, who actually opened his mouth in anticipation. Feeling the weight of Yuki’s stare, the boy leaned away from the wall and stuck his tongue out at Yuki.

At first, not much seemed to happen. The minutes crawled by. Yuki glanced up at the man next to him, who stretched to the ceiling. Gazing around the room, the smoke took on various glittering hues as it swirled over the ornate red wallpaper. It was getting harder to understand the men’s voices; the words just garbled together. The man next to him was calling to the table, and the attention of the room shifted to the line of boys next to the wall. There was movement as some of the men got up from the table. Distantly, Yuki was aware of someone grabbing his arm, but it felt like the brush of a butterfly’s wing.

The butterfly floated around the room and settled on Yuki’s nose. He was walking through a warm, dark meadow. He fell on his back and the grass reached up to cushion him. He felt numb, soft, at ease, like water flowing over smooth stones. The butterfly flapped its wings, and as the wings pulled away from his eyes, he caught a glimpse of dark shapes, of movement, a flash of pain. He whimpered, and the shapes whorled into a shifting aurora, glittering with stardust, and the beautiful blue wings settled back over his eyes. Again and again, he’d feel himself sink into the embrace of warm numbness, only for the wings to beat and return the shifting shapes, patches of flesh and hair, the nauseating stench of tobacco smoke and blood, the prickle of pain, the press of hands like rats running up and down his body, only for the wings to cover his eyes again. Eventually, he couldn’t see the wings anymore, couldn’t see the movement or the colors anymore, couldn’t see anything. He was floating in a warm black void, and he wanted to stay there. He wanted to stay there forever.

Something was pulling at him. He was swimming through a dark river, colors floating by him, blurs of shapes. Something was sitting on his shoulders and the back of his knees. He was upside-down… no, he was right-side up; someone was carrying him. He tried to open his eyes but could only see a blur of a dark shape, and feel the edge of something heavy, something painful pressing in all around him and threatening to destroy him.

From somewhere outside the flow of water and the drifting shapes and the trickling feeling along his skin, he could hear the clear mutter of a voice hiss, “You idiot, Yukio! I told you not to take it.” And the water reached over his head, and everything stopped.


	4. Money - 金銭

Yuki crouched at the edge of a concrete drainage canal, watching a small stream of (what he hoped was) water trickle by. An enormous tunnel, the entrance to the sewers, loomed to his right; high above, he could hear the muffled roar of cars going by. He glanced over his shoulder behind him at a jumble of shacks lined up against the walls of the drain into the tunnel. They were a mishmash of wood pallets, corrugated metal siding, and blue tarps, crudely held together with zip ties. A few of the shacks had collapsed. A scattering of crates and beach chairs, empty bottles and stubbed-out cigarettes, made it feel more like a place people actually lived than the trash heap it appeared to be.

The smell was a bit difficult to get used to; he bent over the canal, groaning. A pair of heavy feet shuffled up next to him, and instinctively he edged away.

“It’s the smell, right? You get used to it,” Daisuke said, his hands in his pockets. There was a shriek as Jun shot past, running straight for the tunnel.

“Jun? Stop!” Yuki called, scrambling to his feet. “Don’t go in there! Sit! Stay!”

Jun ignored him, but Yuki was faster; he caught Jun just as he was about to try to jump the gap over the canal at the back of the tunnel. Jun squealed as Yuki held him up, flipping him upside-down. He winced a little at the pain in his back, but the sound of Jun’s laughter soothed him. Yuki carried him back outside, where Daisuke was emerging from one of the shacks with a wad of plastic bags in his hand.

“So? What do you think?” Daisuke said. He looked around. “There’s not many of us here right now, but it’s starting to get colder, so there should be more soon. I was thinking we could fix up one of these,” he gestured to one of the collapsed shacks near the one he’d just left, “scrounge up some blankets and stuff, it’ll be home in no time.”

Yuki shifted Jun’s weight in his arms. “Yeah, sure…”

Jun pinched his nose. “Stinky! Stinky!” he said.

“You don’t exactly smell like sakura petals yourself, little guy,” Daisuke said with a snort.

Yuki nodded at Daisuke’s hand. “What’re the bags for?”

Daisuke glanced down at his hand. “Oh, right. It’s time for your first lesson. You ready to help me out?”

Yuki stared at Daisuke, frowning skeptically, and looked away. “Yeah… yeah, sure.”

“Great,” Daisuke said, clapping Yuki on the shoulder, sending waves of pain through Yuki’s back that made him grit his teeth. “Ah, sorry,” Daisuke said with a wince. “Well, follow me then, boys.” He turned and began to limp back to the cement stairs leading up to the street. Yuki followed several feet behind, turning over the possibilities for what they were about to do in his head. What would this old man want? What did he do for money? Were they going to steal something? Break into cars? Sell drugs? His mind was turning over every ludicrous possibility he’d ever seen on one of the dramas he had sometimes watched on TV when Ashiei wasn’t home.

When they stopped, it definitely wasn’t where Yuki had expected. His nose had just started to clear out the stench of the sewer, only to be assaulted once more.

Daisuke thumped his open palm on the side of a dumpster. “We’re here,” he began, “for this.” He held up an empty aluminum coffee can, sticky and bit grimy with… Yuki didn’t want to imagine.

“Um, trash?” he said.

“Well… yeah,” Daisuke said, a little deflated. “But do you know what you can do with it?”

Yuki and Jun both shook their heads.

Daisuke sighed. “Recycling. You can recycle it for cash.” He shook open one of the garbage bags and dropped the can in. “Not a lot, admittedly. But if you canvass the neighborhood, you could get, I don’t know… a couple thousand yen. Maybe three.” He shrugged. “Not much, but better than nothing. Of course, bottle recycling days are the best time to go hunting, but that only happens once a month in this ward.” 

Daisuke handed the bag to Yuki, and continued to hunt through some of the garbage bins in the alley. “People are supposed to sort their recycling, of course, but no one really does in this town. It’s a waste.” He pulled out a plastic soda bottle and waved it. “PET bottles are good, not as good as cans though. Lately the military wants all the metal it can get, so aluminum cans, steel cans, those are what you want.” He tossed the empty bottle at Yuki; without an open hand, it just bounced off the boy’s chest. Yuki set Jun down and the toddler went tearing after the bouncing bottle. 

“Newspapers are also good, but stacks of those can get pretty heavy, and they’re harder to keep clean,” Daisuke said, emerging from the garbage with a couple more cans. Jun waved the empty soda bottle at Daisuke, who smiled and took it from him. “You can fit more in a bag if you crush them first.” He stood the bottle on the ground, leaned shakily on his bad leg, and brought his other boot down hard on the bottle, crushing it. He scooped up the crushed plastic and dropped it in another bag, which he handed over to Yuki.

Yuki watched Daisuke crush the cans, while Jun ran over and started to demolish a couple of plastic crates of garbage. “So… is that it? Collect a bunch of junk and sell it?” he said.

“You disappointed?” Daisuke said, dropping the cans into the bag.

“It’s just… I don’t know… boring.”

Daisuke laughed. “Boring is safe. Well, usually. We’re not the only ones out here looking for this stuff. You might run into some other scavengers,” he said, scratching his chin. “If you run into someone else, just move along, it’s not worth a fight. There’s plenty of other places to look. Next to vending machines, those are all over the place… train stations…”

“Then what do you do with all of it?”

“There’s some places you can take it where they’ll give you money for it. I know the best ones to go where they won’t try to cheat you,” Daisuke said. “So, you ready to work?”

Yuki nodded, and Jun jumped up with two PET bottles clutched in his hands.

By the end of the day, all three of them were sticky and utterly filthy from the garbage, but they’d collected several bags of recyclables and turned them in. They navigated the streets back to the sewer, completely worn out. Yuki lagged behind a bit, his back killing him now that the pain killers had worn off, his stomach growling loudly in protest. Jun was dead on his feet, and Yuki had to pick him up and carry him halfway back. He quickly fell asleep, drooling on Yuki’s shoulder.

They descended the stairs to the sewer entrance, and Yuki was surprised to see a few other homeless men were hanging out outside their shacks, the area dimly lit with a few solar-powered lanterns. Someone was cooking on a portable stove. They waved to Daisuke as he approached, and he introduced Yuki and Jun to them. They seemed friendly enough, if a bit aloof, and not particularly curious what a 14-year-old and a 3-year-old were doing in a sewer.

“It looks like we don’t have time to set you two up tonight,” Daisuke said with a sigh, sitting down in a rickety chair outside of his shack. “But if you want, you could stay with me.”

Yuki bit his lip and looked away, holding Jun a little tighter. Jun murmured in his sleep.

Daisuke stared up at them, his brow creasing. “Or, I guess I could stay with one of the other guys, and you can take mine for tonight.”

Yuki could feel his cheeks burning. “S… sure.”

“Oh, almost forgot.” Daisuke reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of 100-yen coins they’d received from the recycler. He counted out half of them and held them out. “These are for you.”

“Huh? But…”

Daisuke nudged Yuki on the arm. “Just take it,” he said, “but bring me back some more, okay? I’m getting too old for this.”

Yuki hesitated, and reached out to take the coins from Daisuke. The coins clinked together as they fell into Yuki’s hand.

Keys jingled in the lock and the front door slammed. “Yukio!” Ashiei called. “Get in here.”

Yuki crawled out of the bedroom, squinting from the overhead light in the living room. Ashiei was sitting on the couch, pulling take-out box after container from a plastic bag and setting them on the small coffee table. There were a few more plastic shopping bags sitting next to the couch.

“Go on, take a look,” Ashiei said, tilting his head at the bags and breaking apart a couple of cheap chopsticks. 

Yuki swayed to his feet and walked over to crouch by the bags, peeking inside. It was a lot of baby things: boxes of diapers, bottles of formula, wipes. He gazed up at Ashiei, slightly slack-jawed.

“Sit down and eat,” Ashiei said, pulling apart some of the take-out boxes. “This is all yours, technically. Look, I even got some sushi.”

Yuki sidled over to the table, which was covered in a random assortment of food items, from nigiri sushi to Chinese noodles. Suddenly ravenous, he grabbed whatever was in reach with his hands and shoved it in his mouth.

“That’s right, eat up, you deserve it,” Ashiei chuckled. He poured himself a glass of whiskey. “Cheers.” He downed the glass in one gulp. Yuki watched, chewing slowly, as Ashiei poured another glass. “What, you want one?” He held the glass out to Yuki, who accepted it with a shaky hand. He sniffed it, and felt a burning sensation crawl up his nose that made him snort. Ashiei laughed. “Do it, take a sip.” Yuki did, and immediately did a spit take. Ashiei had to hold his stomach laughing. He held his hand out and Yuki thrust the glass back into his hand. “You’re still just a brat,” he said, chuckling, and tossed the rest of the whiskey back into his mouth. He slammed the empty glass back to the table and started to dig into the food, and the two ate in silence for a while, until most of the food was gone.

“How are you doing? Feeling better now that the drugs are out?” Ashiei said, tossing his chopsticks onto the table.

Yuki sat back on his heels, feeling sick to his stomach and wondering why he’d eaten all that food. He swallowed a lump in his throat. “It still… hurts a little,” he said quietly.

“Yeah, it’ll do that,” Ashiei said. “Usually they’d prepare you more but I think those bastards got a little rough.”

“I don’t really remember,” Yuki said, pushing a mostly empty box of spring rolls away from him.

“Probably better you don’t. But I don’t want you taking any more of those drugs, you hear me? It’s bad.”

Yuki wasn’t sure he agreed, but he nodded anyway.

Ashiei folded his arms and sat back on the couch. “Whatever you did while you were high seemed to impress them, anyway, because they want you at the shop full time. Maybe Wang’s right, maybe you’re naturally gifted or something. I don’t really get it. I’ve definitely had better.”

Yuki’s face burned all the way back to his ears. “Thanks for the food,” he mumbled, and rose shakily to his feet.

“Hold on,” Ashiei said, and Yuki froze mid stride on his way to the bedroom door. “Come over here.” Yuki kept his back to Ashiei and didn’t move. “Right now, or do you want me to wake up your brother?” Yuki flinched, and turned on the spot. As he approached, Ashiei kicked the table back to make space for Yuki to stand in front of him.

“What?” Yuki said, balling his fists at his sides.

Ashiei looked Yuki up and down, smirking. “You use any of the stuff I taught you?”

Yuki looked away, his face red. “I told you, I don’t remember.”

“We’ll you’re going to have to remember next time, because you won’t have the drugs,” Ashiei said. Yuki started to tremble, his nostrils flaring. Ashiei leaned forward. “Hate me all you want, Yukio, but don’t forget, I own you now. Whatever is yours is mine, and if you’re not good, all this stuff,” he waved at the bags sitting next to the couch, “goes away. You got that?”

Yuki didn’t say anything, his lip quivering as he stared at the curtains blocking the window. He felt something brush his cheek and winced as Ashiei grabbed the side of his face and turned it back towards him.

“You got that, Yukio?” Ashiei said with a slight growl. His fingernails dug into Yuki’s scalp, and Yuki’s eyes watered a bit as he nodded. “Good.” He patted Yuki on the head, and pushed down. Startled, Yuki fell to his knees, bracing himself on the edge of the couch. Ashiei smirked. “So, let’s give it another try, huh?” He leaned back and unzipped his pants.

There was a soft chime, and Yuki sat back on his heels, shivering and struggling to swallow.

The man on the bed leaned back on his elbows and glanced at the ceiling, panting. “Already, huh?” he said. With a sigh, he grabbed a tissue out of the box on the edge of the bed and wiped himself off, balling up the tissue and throwing it in the corner. Yuki shuffled backwards in the cramped space so the man could stand and pull up his pants. He bowed his head, watching the man’s feet shift as he zipped up. There was a pause, and the man dug into his pocket and pulled something out. He leaned over and held out his hand to Yuki, and Yuki leaned back in surprise.

“Here,” the man said, opening his hand. Sitting on his palm was a small, round red candy wrapped in shiny clear plastic. Yuki stared at it for a moment, his eyes trailing up to the faded tattoo wrapping up the man’s forearm. The hand bounced in his view, and the candy turned over. “Go on, take it.”

Yuki reached out, his hand shaking, and took the candy. The man patted his head, and Yuki flinched.

There was a knock at the door, and the man’s legs moved out of view. “Yeah, yeah, I’m coming.” Yuki looked up as the man walked out, squeezing past Ashiei standing in the doorway. The door started to close, and Yuki clenched the candy in his hand and sat up on his knees.

“Wait!” The door creaked back open. “I… I need to go to the bathroom.”

Ashiei hesitated, and flung the door open with a sigh. “Fine, then, get up.”

Yuki pushed himself to his feet and stepped out into the hall. It was a long, dim, narrow space lined with doors. There were small glass sconces next to the doors, most of them on, giving the gray, modern design of the hall a pale glow. Soft music played over loudspeakers stretching down the hall, acting like white noise. Each door was numbered, and the effect wasn’t unlike a posh hotel or a high-end apartment complex, except that most of the rooms felt too closely spaced together, barely the size of large closets. At the far end of the hall were a couple of restrooms that were no more than small rooms with a toilet and sink. Ashiei pushed Yuki into one and closed the door.

Yuki just stood for a moment, feeling the cold tile underneath his bare feet. The chill shook him out of a sort of trance, and a wave of nausea hit him. He ran to the toilet just in time to vomit into it. He sunk to his knees next to the toilet, clutching the bowl and feeling the cool porcelain against his skin. He gasped and shook, waiting for the waves to subside. Sweat beaded on his forehead, and every time he closed his eyes, all he could see was the memory of sweat and bare flesh.

What time was it? How long had he been here? There was no window in his room, and no clock, so he had no idea what time of day it was. It had probably only been a few hours, but it felt like days.

Yuki could hear Ashiei calling to someone outside the door, and footsteps walking away. He closed the lid of the toilet and flushed it, climbing on top. He pulled his legs to his chest and buried his face in his knees, just trying to breathe, to concentrate on the sensations of being alive: the air in his lungs, the pain in his back, the roiling sensation in his stomach, the acrid smell of vomit in his nose, the stale taste of semen in his mouth.

Something red twinkled out of the corner of his eye, and he glanced past his knees at the ground. Leaning down, he scooped up the candy wrapper and held it up under the bright ceiling light. The clear wrapper glittered and crinkled, the small candy the most beautiful crimson color. He stared at it, the smell and the pain and the memory of flesh falling away. He wanted to hide it, to hold onto it, to save it, but knew it couldn’t last, didn’t want someone else to take it. Hands trembling, he pulled apart the wrapper and the candy rolled out onto his palm. He stared at it a moment, and popped it in his mouth.

The bright taste of cherries burst across his tongue. The hard candy rattled against his teeth as he sucked on it, washing away the bad taste in his mouth as he swallowed the sweetened saliva. Tears prickled his eyes, and he jumped at a banging knock on the door.

“Time’s up,” Ashiei said.


	5. Trust - 信頼

Yuki gazed through the glass at rows of brightly colored candies, artfully displayed in the shop window. A cardboard cutout of a black cat with its back arched guarded the candies, while mechanical bats fluttered overhead.

A chill autumn wind ruffled his hair, and he pulled the collar of his frayed jacket up his neck, kicking at the pavement with a worn-out pair of sneakers. The garbage bag next to him shifted in the wind with a tinkling of aluminum cans. He reached down to adjust the bag before it could spill any crumpled cans onto the sidewalk.

He heard a peel of laughter off to his right, and looked up. The local middle school had just let out, and the usual afternoon traffic was flooded with a sea of matching uniforms. A group of boys with a clear disdain for the uniform dress code were gathered around the other shop window, laughing together and pointing at the window.

Yuki glanced back at the window in front of him, and could just barely make out his reflection: smudged with dirt, his hair starting to grow into his eyes. He reached out to touch his reflection, and saw movement out of the corner of his eye. He turned and locked eyes with one of the boys.

“Yukio,” Ruby said, his hands on his hips. The lounge behind him was bustling with the other boys from the shop finishing up their lunch breaks. Two adult handlers were sitting at a table in the corner keeping an eye on the crowd. “You’re in my spot.”

Yuki took in the pouting frown on Ruby’s face, the unnaturally red hair, the sharp nose. As usual, Ruby liked to eschew clothing, which only irritated Yuki more. He cradled Jun against his chest and narrowed his eyes. “I don’t see your name on it.”

Ruby scowled, and pulled back a hand. Yuki braced himself, curling over Jun to protect him, but before Ruby could swing another boy grabbed his hand in mid-air.

“That’s enough,” the taller boy said, his face stern.

Ruby wrenched his arm out of the other boy’s grasp. “Back off, Hiroshi,” he snarled.

Hiroshi leaned over Ruby, his arms folded. “I said _that’s enough_. There are other places to sit.”

Ruby tossed the hair out of his eyes, and with a huff, stormed across the lounge to another table.

“I could have handled him,” Yuki muttered. “I’m not afraid of that stuck-up little 10-year-old princess.”

Hiroshi glanced at Yuki out of the corner of his eye. “Pff, you’re only a year older than Ruby,” he snorted. “And I wouldn’t mess around with him. There’s something really wrong with that kid. You know, I think he likes it. The attention.”

Yuki glanced down at the top of Jun’s head, who was lying in his arms sporadically sucking at a bottle of formula. Unable to leave Jun alone, Yuki was forced to bring the baby with him to the shop, only to have to leave him in the lounge with a handler while Ashiei locked Yuki in his room with clients. Hearing Jun’s occasional far-off wails through the door was fraying his nerves. Yuki was exhausted from head to toe; he worked long shifts, and when he got home, he could only sleep for snatches of minutes at a time. Since Jun mostly slept out of boredom at the shop, he barely slept at home, which meant Yuki barely slept, which meant Ashiei barely slept, which usually meant Yuki ended up getting yelled at a lot. He sunk down in his chair and watched Ruby across the room, having an animated conversation with a very nervous-looking boy. “Attention? Is that what you’d call it?” Yuki said with a sigh.

“Yeah, and I don’t think he likes that you get more of it,” Hiroshi said, walking away.

Ruby glanced back at Yuki from across the room, and stuck out his tongue.

“Hey,” the boy said, his hands shoved in the pockets of his uniform jacket. The light of the store window glowed on his face and his backwards baseball cap, and the breeze ruffled his collar. “What’s your name?”

Yuki stepped back, taking in the boy in front of him. Two more boys hovered behind him, staring at Yuki.

“Uh… Yukio,” he said. His foot nudged the bag of cans, and it toppled over again. His attention darted from the bag to the boy and back again.

The boy leaned over to look at the bag. “Yukio, huh? Whatcha got there? Is that _garbage_? Are you collecting garbage?” The other boys started to laugh.

Yuki picked up the bag, frowning. “It’s none of your business,” he said.

The boy stepped closer. “Let me see that,” he said, gesturing for the bag.

Yuki stepped aside, holding the bag behind him. “No.”

“Come on, it’s gotta be worth something to ya if ya won’t let me see it,” the boy said, chuckling. He made another swipe for the bag, and Yuki dodged again; the heavier boy was too slow on his feet to keep up. “Phew! You _reek_,” the boy said, pinching his nose.

“Ken-chan,” one of the other boys said, taking a step backwards. “Let’s just go, we’re going to be late.”

“In a minute,” Ken snapped back. “After I teach this gutter trash a lesson.” He pulled back his fist and made a wide swing, only for his fist to come in contact with the garbage bag full of aluminum cans, which Yuki had tossed at him before taking off down the street. “Wah!” Ken yelled, falling back to the sidewalk under the weight of the bag. The other two boys rushed to help him, and he shook them off. “What are you doing? Go after him, you idiots!”

Yuki ran as fast as he could down the street, his lungs on fire, his legs burning, his back aching with each painful step. The three boys struggled to keep up after him. They followed him all the way until he darted out of sight down the stairs to the sewer entrance. Night was falling, and the homeless encampment was dotted with the glow of lanterns and cooking fires.

Yuki slipped into his makeshift tent, still struggling to catch his breath as he collapsed on the thin futon and pile of blankets that he shared with Jun. The toddler dropped the two cans he’d been playing with and looked up in alarm.

“Big Brother? What’s wrong?”

Yuki fell backwards, staring at the roof of the tent. “Ugh, I blew it, Jun. I lost the bag.”

Jun rolled the cans aside and crawled over to Yuki. “What happened?”

Yuki rubbed his face. “Nothing, just some jerks. Ugh. I gotta try to go back for it, maybe it’s still there.”

Jun sat back, one foot on either side of him. He wrung his hands. “You’re going again?”

Yuki reached his hand out to ruffle Jun’s hair. “Yeah, but I’ll be right back, okay? Did you eat dinner?”

Jun nodded. “Dai-kay gave me food!”

Yuki sat bolt upright. “Jun, what did I tell you? Stay here, and don’t accept stuff from those guys!”

Jun leaned back, eyes wide. “Why not? He’s nice. He talks to me, and... and, he plays with me. He’s nice.”

Yuki gave a frustrated growl. “He just _seems_ nice, but you don’t know, he could be… could be… ugh, forget it!” he said, rocking to his feet. “Listen, just, stay away from him when I’m not here!”

Jun’s brow creased and his lip began to quiver. “Dai-kay nice! You’re a poohead!”

Yuki stared at Jun in surprise. “What? A poohead? Who taught you that?”

“Poohead! Dummy!” Jun tossed a can, and it ricocheted off Yuki’s shoulder.

“Stop that! _Jun!_”

“No!” Jun turned away and started to burrow under one of the blankets. “Go away! I hate you!” he said, his shouts muffled by the thick wool.

Yuki stared at the lump that was Jun, fuming, before storming out of the tent as best as one could storm through plastic sheeting. On the way back to the stairs, he had to pass Daisuke, who was in the middle of playing a card game with one of the other people from the camp.

Daisuke looked up as Yuki approached. “Having some trouble?” he said with a slight smirk. “Three’s a tough age.”

“It’s none of your business,” Yuki snapped, hating every inch of Daisuke’s face in that moment, from his slightly frizzy eyebrows to his scraggly beard.

“Hey, did you get anything for today?” He held his hand out, and Yuki slapped it away.

“I’m getting it right now, old man.”

“‘Old man’? What happened to ‘Daisuke-san’? Hey!” Daisuke grabbed Yuki’s hand as he tried to walk past and Yuki ground to a halt, ripping his hand out of Daisuke’s grasp.

“_What?_” Yuki said, glaring.

Daisuke glared back, his mouth a thin line. “I get that you don’t trust me,” he said. “But you can’t do it all on your own. Let me help you.”

There was a crash and a loud, frustrated wail. Jun was throwing a full tantrum in his tent. A can bounced out of the opening and into the drain.

Yuki gritted his teeth and shook his head. “I don’t need your help,” he said, and he turned and ran up the stairs. At the top, he took a moment to breathe in and out through his nose, feeling the anger give way to a simmering anxiety and sadness as he glanced back at the camp. He looked back towards the lights of the town, squared his shoulders, and stepped forward.

In his utter exhaustion, the lights of the red-light district all had an otherworldly halo. They swam around, sending out tracers like fireflies streaking across his vision. He tried to keep Ashiei’s legs in focus as he walked, but they kept blending in with the scenery; he’d lose track of them, panic, have to run forward until he found them again. He couldn’t let himself look at anything else. If he glanced up at people, their faces sometimes morphed into hideous monsters, with long tongues and snapping jaws. His head pounded, his eyelids drooped, and he tripped over his own feet. A hand reached out and grabbed the back of his _yukata_ before he could hit the ground.

“Watch it,” Ashiei said. “You’ll get all dirty.”

“I’m already dirty,” Yuki mumbled, but Ashiei didn’t hear him. He was checking the numbers on buildings. They were standing in a row of bars and restaurants, and they were all packed with weekend revelers. There was music blasting, people laughing and shouting, drunks howling, barkers shouting trying to rope men and women into their shops, fish-headed monsters in chef’s uniforms braying (Yuki wasn’t too sure about this one). The din was enough to make Yuki’s ears ring. They walked down a few more storefronts until they came to a narrow three-story building. This one looked a bit more manicured than the others; someone had created a little rock garden with a fountain out front, and the heavy wooden door was inset in an alcove. Yuki swayed and glanced down at two little bowls of salt sitting on either side of the alcove. He resisted the urge to lean down and lick the salt. Resisted. Resisted.

Ashiei seized the back of Yuki’s yukata again as he started to lean forward and gave him a stern look. He reached out and rapped the door with the back of his knuckles.

The door creaked open, and a guard on the other side looked them up and down. When he spotted Yuki, he opened the door and waved them in.

The bottom floor of the _izakaya_ was so dark in comparison to all the lights outside that Yuki had to squint to make out anything. There were a few men (and, to Yuki’s shock, women) sitting around at high tops, sipping sake and picking at hors d’oeuvres while they talked, their voices a low rumble. In the back, a chef was mostly hidden by a bar counter. To the left, a very narrow staircase led up to the second floor.

Ashiei turned and grabbed both of Yuki’s shoulders in a tight grip. “Okay, you remember what I—hey! Don’t touch your face,” he said, smacking away Yuki’s hand that had started to rub at his eye. Ashiei frowned, giving Yuki’s cheeks a light slap. “Snap out of it. You take those pills I gave you?”

“You told me not to take pills.” Yuki yawned, reaching to rub his cheeks and letting his hands fall back to his sides.

“They’re just caffeine pills, you idiot,” Ashiei said. “Ugh, wait here. Don’t move.” Yuki stood as still as he could, but couldn’t help swinging his arms a little, as Ashiei walked over to the counter, and came back with a glass of water. He thrust the glass of water at Yuki along with two tablets. “Take it. Now.”

Yuki threw the pills into his mouth and took a gulp of water, trying not to slosh the water down the front of himself but still managing to dribble some of it on the floor. Ashiei rolled his eyes.

“Right, you remember what I told you?”

“Don’t touch my face?”

“_Don’t mess this up, Yukio._ I swear, if anything happens--”

“I know, I got it, I got it,” Yuki said.

Ashiei didn’t look convinced, but he waved at the stairs. “Go on, they’re upstairs. I’ll be waiting down here.”

Yuki started to climb the stairs, but the grade was so steep and the room so dim he had to use his hands to climb to the top without tripping. The door at the top was closed, but there was a sliver of light underneath; Yuki gave the door a gentle knock (it sounded like an echoing boom to him) and stepped inside.

The atmosphere couldn’t have been much more different from his debut party. The interior was done in a very traditional Japanese style, with raised tatami mats stretching out across the floor from the doorway; Yuki slipped out of his _geta_ clogs to step onto the mat. A narrow hallway mostly used for busing dishes and hanging suit jackets lead to a larger room, crowded with low tables pressed together. Several men were sitting around the tables under the warm glow of overhead lights, drinking beer and chatting with one another in a low hum. They were still fairly early into the night by the neat state of their white shirts and ties. There were a couple other boys there who looked similar to Yuki, wearing yukata in colorful patterns, with a slight hint of makeup around their eyes. They were walking around setting up the table for dinner and taking food orders. Yuki was surprised to see that there were also a few girls there as well; they were taller than the boys but most likely not much older, with their hair wrapped up and pinned in place with floral _kanzashi_ and their faces painted with a delicate shade of makeup. One was serving water; the other two had already picked and settled next to a couple of the men, massaging their hands and being pointedly ignored.

Yuki hovered in the darkness of the hallway, unsure what to do. He tried to remember what Ashiei had told him, but it was all a garble in his head. Even the soft glow of the lights felt painfully bright. The caffeine pills might be working, because he did feel a bit more energized, but all the energy was getting funneled into a growing sense of panic.

One of the boys spotted him; he clutched his order pad to his chest, bowed to the table, and shuffled over to the doorway beside Yuki. “You’re late,” he said in a low voice.

“S… sorry,” Yuki whispered back.

The boy brushed the bangs out of his eyes. “There should be at least one for each of us,” he said, “but I’ve already staked out the one on the end.” He gave a slight nod behind him. Yuki peered around the boy to see who he was indicating; it was an older man with slicked-back salt and pepper hair and slight lines in his face. Based on how some of the other men were refilling his beer glass, Yuki assumed he must be the boss. At the look on Yuki’s face, the boy shook his head. “I know, but he probably has the most money.”

“What do I do?” Yuki said, tugging at his sleeves.

The boy glanced back at the table. “Just do what we’re doing, and pick someone quick.” He ran forward to hand off the order pad to a waiter standing at the door.

Yuki stepped into the light of the dining room and gave a short bow. Most of the men didn’t even look up; only one or two turned to look. Yuki hurried forward to help the other boy finish setting up the table. He couldn’t follow what the men were talking about at all – the words just kind of all ran together – but it was obvious from the glances Yuki stole of the ink on their arms and the napes of their necks that they were yakuza. They didn’t appear to have a problem discussing business around a bunch of prostitutes, though they at least attempted to be professional about it at first, treating the children like any restaurant staff.

Yuki quickly realized there was more to this than it seemed, and that the first boy had been rather generous in warning him. There was a silent, fierce battle raging between the children for the men’s attention. The girls were having an easier time of it than the boys; by the middle of the meal, one of the girls was sitting in a man’s lap and picking food off his plate like a cat. The boys kept the alcohol flowing and had to hope for a change in the tide as the conversation moved away from business.

Yuki did his best to keep up, but he found himself stumbling over his yukata a lot, or splashing beer on the table when he went to pour it. He found it hard to focus on anything; the warm colors of the walls and the lights and the beer all flowed together. For the most part, no one seemed to notice that he was only half tuned into his surroundings; until a hand reached out to steady him, and he was pulled down to sit next to one of the men. Yuki had noticed the man’s eyes on him all night, and he wasn’t sure if he should be happy or afraid of this development. Mostly, he felt incredibly nauseous.

The man smiled at him, and Yuki did his best to smile back, though he couldn’t really feel his face, so he wasn’t sure. “What’s your name?” the man said, in a low voice only Yuki could hear. He was sitting at the opposite end of the table from the boss, and the other men around him were too engaged in a story someone was telling to pay much attention.

“Yukio,” he said, curling his hands in his lap.

“Yukio, how’s that spelt?” The man’s hand brushed the back of Yuki’s neck, and Yuki shivered a little.

_None of your business._ “‘Yuki’ like the character for ‘happiness,’ ‘o’ like the character for ‘life’.”

“Really? That’s cute,” the man chuckled.

Yuki tried to chuckle back. _Eat shit. _He shook his head.

“You nervous, Yukio-kun?” The man pulled Yuki closer.

Yuki had to fight the urge to lean away. He glanced down the table at one of the boys practically hanging off a man’s neck, and just felt ill. “Uh… a little,” he said.

The man gave a soft laugh and patted Yuki on the back. “I’ve got just the thing for that.” He reached for a bottle of sake on the table and a glass. Yuki glanced around, looking for a clock; it was half past midnight. Lately, Jun had been waking up around 1 AM on the dot. He pictured the baby kicking his feet and wailing in the darkness of Ashiei’s apartment, and swayed a little.

“Here,” the man said, and something shone out of the corner of Yuki’s eyes. He squinted, refocused his eyes on the tiny, clear glass of sake the man was holding out to him.

Yuki hesitated, holding up a hand. “I don’t really like that stuff,” he said, trying to give a polite smile that looked more like a muscle spasm.

“Yeah, I know, it’s like drinking acid. But it’ll take the edge off. Give it a shot.” When Yuki didn’t take it, he pushed it into Yuki’s hand. “Come on, for me?”

Yuki glanced at the clock again, and examined the little glass of sake. Yuki didn’t know much about sake to know what to expect; Ashiei mostly stuck to whiskeys. The sake flowed thick and clear in the glass. As it turned in the light, there was a bluish sheen to it. Bringing it to his nose, it had a gentle, somewhat sweet smell. He tossed the contents of the glass in his mouth and struggled to swallow, the sake burning all the way down and making Yuki shudder. “Bluh.”

“Yeah, gross, right? Good job,” the man said, patting Yuki on the knee. “So? Feel any better?”

Not at all. The slight wooziness he’d felt all night was intensifying as the sake scorched its way down into his stomach. He’d already been having trouble keeping anything in focus, but now it was mostly a blur. Colors shifted, shapes grew bigger and smaller. He did feel a warmth spreading out to his toes and fingertips that was sort of relaxing. He sagged against the man’s side.

“See?” the man said from somewhere around the bottom of a well. “That feels better, right?”

Yuki couldn’t move his head to nod. He couldn’t feel his body. He was somewhere else, but it wasn’t like the time with the butterflies; he just didn’t seem to be anywhere at all. He sometimes felt like this while he was working, like he was floating beside his body, and time would seem to pass without him noticing. This time felt a little different. It didn’t feel good. He couldn’t see anything. He was shouting, but no sound came out. He tried to move, but it was like trying to swim through mud. Panic, he could feel his heart struggling to beat in his chest, pounding against his ribcage with such force he thought his ribs would break. There was a ringing in his ears that was splitting his head and starting to turn deafening.

The ringing abruptly stopped. He realized his eyes were open because he was starting to see dark, blurry shapes moving. Everything was seeping back in like water dripping, trickling his senses back in a little at a time. A dark shape moving over him, a soft grunting and the squeak of springs, the musk of sweat, the strain of his legs pulled back. It took a few seconds for Yuki to realize what was happening. It took many more to be able to do anything about it.

The first thing he regained was his voice. “S… stop,” he groaned. “Stop it.”

The man ignored him.

Yuki found he could move his legs enough to brace himself against the man’s hips and push away. He slid up towards the headboard and the man staggered as he was pulled out.

The man sat back to catch his breath. “That was fast,” he said. “You were already so out of it, I thought it’d last a bit longer than usual.”

It wasn’t hard to put two and two together. “What… was in the drink?” Yuki said.

The man chuckled, smoothing back his hair. “I told you, it was just something to help you relax.” He waved at Yuki. “Come on, get back over here.”

The dark shapes were coming more into focus. Yuki found he could flex his fingers, feel the pain in his hips. “No,” he said, pulling his knees up towards his chest.

The man gave an exasperated sigh. “No one likes a tease, kid,” he said, starting to shift up the bed after Yuki. “You’re a whore, whores don’t get to say no.”

Yuki could feel his face burning. The burning sensation spread all the way down his chest as his heart leapt into his throat. He couldn’t keep a thought straight in his head, it was all just noise. The man reached for his ankles, and Yuki kicked him in the chin, catching him off guard and sending him reeling. The man dabbed at a bit of blood where he’d bit his lip, and Yuki felt the sting of panic when the man turned back to him. He rolled onto his stomach and tried to slide off the bed, but the man grabbed his ankles and tugged. Yuki wasn’t strong enough to do much more than flail a bit in his grasp, so he made a blind jab with his elbow and caught the man in the ear. The man hissed in pain.

“I mean it, stop it! Don’t make me hurt you,” the man said. He grabbed Yuki’s wrists and pinned them to the bed, leaning his body weight on Yuki’s hips to try to stop the kicking.

Yuki wasn’t listening. He couldn’t seem to think anything at all now. The urgent desire to get away was clashing with a powerful urge to kick the man’s teeth in. The man was trying to use his knees to pull Yuki’s legs apart. With his attention elsewhere, Yuki took the opportunity to roll his head and sink his teeth into the man’s arm.

The man howled in pain and immediately rolled backwards off of Yuki. The man wound up and hit Yuki across the head with his fist so hard, Yuki could see lights pop in the darkness.

Something snapped, and he screamed. He launched himself at the man, biting and clawing at anything within reach. The man tried to retaliate, but it was like trying to keep hold of an angry, spitting cat. He flung Yuki to the floor, which knocked the breath out of his lungs in a rush. There was the pounding of footsteps and a loud slam, and Yuki was left alone on the floor, shaking with rage and pain, tears starting to push their way out of his eyelids and onto the wooden boards. In the distance, he could hear the muffled sounds of a loud, heated argument, and then a brief silence.

There was the pounding of footsteps coming upstairs. Yuki looked around wildly and slid under the bed, just barely squeezing into the cramped space. The door flew open.

From under the bed, Yuki watched a pair of shoes stand in the doorway. The knees bent and a hand came into view, picking the yukata off the floor. “Yukio?” a voice said. “Where are you, you piece of shit?”

Yuki tried to crawl back more, but his arm hit the wall. The feet paced around the room, then stood by the bed. A dark shape suddenly blocked out the light from the door.

“Get out from under there right now,” Ashiei growled, peering under the bed.

Yuki shook his head.

Ashiei gave a frustrated snarl and reached under the bed, grabbing Yuki’s arm. They had a brief tug of war, but Ashiei was clearly stronger; he pulled Yuki out from under the bed and threw him into the wall by the door. “Put this on, we’re getting out of here,” he said, tossing the yukata at Yuki.

Yuki just laid on the floor and shivered. With a sigh, Ashiei crouched down and pulled the yukata around Yuki, struggling to pull his arms through the sleeves. He tried to lift Yuki to his feet, but the boy didn’t have the strength to stand without toppling over. With an even heavier sigh, he grabbed Yuki by the armpits and hoisted him into the air, throwing him over his shoulder.

“You try anything, I swear I’ll kill you,” Ashiei muttered.

Yuki didn’t have the energy left to argue or fight; he watched the world shifting around him behind Ashiei’s back as they left the room, stepped into a dark hallway, went down the stairs, past the now dark dining room, out the door, down the narrow stairs into the empty izakaya, out the heavy wooden doors and into the noise and the lights of the red-light district. All the lights dimmed, and went black.

There was the click of a key in a lock and the creak of a door opening, and the piercing sound of a baby screaming rattled his ears and jolted his eyes open. Everything was a blur of dark shapes; a light switched on and he had to snap his eyes shut again to fight the sudden sting of it. There was a dropping sensation, and an enormous thud as he hit the living room floor back first, pain radiating across his body and making him gasp.

Footsteps, a door slammed, and Ashiei bellowed, “Shut up!” The incessant wailing of the baby stopped for a brief moment, calming to a long, low whining sound. There was a squeal and the sound of footsteps walking back towards him.

Yuki tried to roll over, groaning. He craned his head up, squinting, to see Ashiei standing over him, holding Jun under one arm. For a moment Yuki was afraid he was about to drop the baby, and struggled to push himself up, but he couldn’t get off the floor. Ashiei’s nose wrinkled, and he leaned down, placing the baby face-first down on the floor in front of Yuki. Jun gave an irritated shriek and pushed himself up just enough to lift his head and stare at Yuki.

“Take care of it,” Ashiei said, crossing his arms.

Yuki stared back at Jun, tried to put a hand out to touch the baby’s face, and set his head down on the floor. Everything shifted sideways. “I…” He swallowed. “Can’t. Can’t,” he muttered. “Can’t move…” Jun’s face, the line of drool stretching from his mouth to the floor, started to swim in front of him. Hot tears trickled out of the corner of Yuki’s eyes and onto the floor.

Ashiei sighed and crouched down in front of Yuki next to Jun. “What happened upstairs at that izakaya?” he said, breath hissing through his nose with barely restrained anger.

Yuki tried to rub the tears off on his arm, but they weren’t stopping. “Don’t know… don’t remember… I don’t remember,” he whined, and broke into a sob. “What’d he do to me… what’d I do…”

“What you didn’t do,” Ashiei said, dangling his arms between his knees, “is your fucking job, Yukio. I thought that bastard was gonna strangle me. Why’d you attack him? Huh?”

Yuki slid his hand across the floor to reach out and touch Jun’s onesie. He gave it a tug, and Jun cooed as he was pulled towards Yuki. He tucked the baby against his chest and curled into a fetal position. Alarmed, the baby started making a long, low crying sound again, not unlike the strained whining noise coming out of Yuki. He was staring at the floor, barely able to see through the tears.

“What… what’d he give me… what was in it…” Yuki murmured to himself. “Don’t remember… can’t move… can’t…”

Ashiei just stared at Yuki, scratching the stubble on his chin. “Slipped you a laced drink, huh? Makes sense. Glad I gave him a good kick on the way out,” he said. “Gotta watch out for that stuff in the future.”

“Don’t wanna,” Yuki said, tucking his head against the baby’s forehead. “Don’t wanna.”

“Huh? You don’t want to do what? Fuck? Tough shit,” Ashiei said, sitting back on the floor. “Or do you want me to toss the brat out the window?” He reached for the baby in Yuki’s arms, giving it a tug, and Yuki clamped down harder on the baby. Jun gave a surprised, painful wail.

“No!” Yuki said, holding the baby against his chest.

“Get the fuck over it, then,” Ashiei said, leaning back. “You’re going to meet worse shitheads than that. You bite the wrong one and you’ll get yourself killed. Get _me_ killed.”

Yuki just shook his head. “Don’t wanna, don’t wanna,” he mumbled. “Can’t, can’t.”

Ashiei grunted, and lunged forward to rip the baby out of Yuki’s arm. Jun gave a piercing scream as he hit the floor and rolled, and Yuki shot up to try and go after him, only to get slammed back to the floor by Ashiei’s hands on either shoulder.

“You don’t tell me what you can or won’t do!” Ashiei shouted into Yuki’s face, straddling him. “You do what I tell you to!”

“Get off me!” Yuki shrieked, trying to push Ashiei off, his arms trembling.

“If you don’t want to do it so bad, then stop me! Go on, do it!” Ashiei pushed the boy’s yukata aside, exposing him to the air. Deep purple bruises were already starting to form on his hips and sides, and Ashiei dug his thumb into one of them, eliciting a sharp scream from Yuki. Yuki flailed, his legs kicking out uselessly behind them, his hands barely turning Ashiei’s head, much less moving him off. Ashiei dodged a bite from Yuki and knocked the side of Yuki’s head into the floor, the same one still puffy from being struck earlier. Yuki howled with pain and rage and fear, but couldn’t stop Ashiei from stripping off the yukata completely. Pinned to the floor, drained and exhausted and exposed, Yuki stopped struggling and went limp. Ashiei leaned over him, panting, sweat dripping down his forehead and splashing off Yuki’s chest. He leaned his weight off of Yuki, but the boy didn’t move, other than to shake uncontrollably.

Ashiei tried to wipe his forehead on his sleeve. “That’s right,” he said. “You can’t. You can’t stop me.” He sat back. “You know, your mom used to fight me every time, too. And in the end, she always looked the same way you do now.”

Yuki squeezed his eyes shut and covered his face with his hands, curling up against the floor.

Ashiei sighed, and moved over to grab Jun, who was still crying, his sobs broken by the occasional hiccup. He held the baby up, and Jun burbled, lower lip quivering. He turned and set the baby down next to Yuki. “I can’t have you making any more stupid mistakes like this one,” Ashiei said, “or we’ll both wind up dead one of these days. It’s the brat, right? I should just get rid of it so we can both sleep.”

Yuki reached out to pull Jun to him again, gently this time. He shook his head.

“No? Well then what are we supposed to do about it?”

Yuki said nothing, just stared at a red mark peeking out of the back of Jun’s onesie where he’d hit the floor.

Ashiei stared at Yuki for a long moment, working his jaw. He stood up and walked away. Cabinet doors slammed in the kitchen; the sink ran. Ashiei stomped back and sat down hard beside Yuki, knocking something against the wood floor. Yuki jumped, glanced over at a baby bottle filled with formula in Ashiei’s hand.

“Show me,” Ashiei said.


	6. Sickness - 病気

Daisuke handed a small bowl filled with cooked rice and egg to Jun, who reached his mittened hands out to take it, hopping on the spot. It was so cold out that Yuki could clearly see the steam from the bowl rising into the air from the light of the lanterns. 

“What do you say, Jun?” Yuki said, smiling at him.

Jun blushed and held the bowl close. “Thanks, Dai-kay,” he said.

Daisuke grinned. “Any time, kid.” Jun turned and ran back to their tent, holding the bowl up carefully as he crawled inside. Yuki turned to follow him, only to be stopped by a hand on his wrist. “What about yours?” Daisuke said, scooping another bowl into the pot on the portable stove, and holding it up to Yuki.

Yuki leaned away. “No thanks… I’m fine.” His traitorous stomach gave a loud growl.

Daisuke laughed. “Just take it,” he said, shoving the bowl at Yuki.

Yuki grabbed the bowl with both hands before Daisuke could drop it. “Th… thanks,” he said.

“Spoils of today’s catch,” Daisuke said, filling up his own bowl. “Plus, got myself some dessert.” He held up a bottle of pills and shook it at Yuki, smiling.

Yuki frowned. “Is that what you’re spending our money on? You really shouldn’t.”

Daisuke waved a hand at him. “Aw, don’t worry about it. It’s just a little something to keep me warm. I’m freezing my balls off out here.” He opened the pill bottle and threw a caplet into the back of his throat, scooping a coffee cup off the ground and chugging it. 

“Why not go to a shelter?” Yuki said, picking at the rice in his bowl.

Daisuke shook his head. “Nah, they won’t have me back. Ran out their goodwill ages ago. ‘Sides, I like it here.” 

The cold was getting to Yuki, chilling his nose and dripping snot down to his mouth. He sniffed and rubbed his nose on the back of his arm. 

Daisuke shoved bits of eggy rice into his mouth using his fingers as a spoon. He glanced up at the street level far above, where the twinkle of white lights was just visible through the fog, strung between the trees lining the street. He swallowed hard. “I think of them a lot, you know. This time of year.” He turned the pill bottle around in his hand.

“Who?”

Daisuke glanced at Yuki and gave a thin smile. “Go on, go eat with your brother. Warm up,” he said. 

Yuki stared at him for a moment, then turned and walked towards the tent, ducking his head to step inside. Jun had already demolished his bowl, and was hopping around the futon in circles.

“What are you doing, you goof?” Yuki said, sitting down and starting to eat from his own bowl. 

“Gotta! Keep! Warm!” Jun said between bounces. “If I... if I keep bouncing,” he said, swaying a little as he turned, “then um, then I can warm up the whoooole tent!”

“Is that right?” 

Jun gave a powerful sneeze, falling back on his butt onto a ragged pillow. “Ow,” he said.

Yuki chuckled. “You okay?”

Jun rolled face forward into the futon. “I’m... uh... I’m—” He sneezed again. He rolled over, trying to pull snot back into his nose through sheer sucking power. “I’m great!” he sniffed. 

Yuki finished the last of the bowl and set it aside, kneeling on the futon next to his brother. Gazing down at Jun, the smile slowly began to drop off his face. “You don’t look great,” he said, brushing his fingers along the hair on Jun’s forehead. The toddler was sweating and breathing heavily, though it was hard to say if it was from bouncing around the tent like a maniac, or something else. Jun coughed and gave another loud sniff. Yuki pressed the back of his hand to Jun’s forehead, feeling a slight warmth. “Jun, are you feeling sick?”

Jun shook his head, and sneezed. “No, I’m… I’m great! I’m great.”

“Jun… don’t lie to me. Remember? I told you to tell me if you feel sick again,” Yuki said, pulling Jun into his lap. 

Jun pouted. “I’m sorry,” he said, toying with his sweatshirt. “I wanna go out with you again.” 

Yuki gave Jun a gentle hug. “You just need to rest and focus on feeling better, okay?” 

Jun nodded, and put his arms around Yuki. “’Kay.”

“I think there’s something wrong with it,” Ashiei said.

Yuki stirred and blinked his eyes open blearily. “Huh?” He looked up to see Ashiei standing over him, bouncing Jun in his arms. The early afternoon sun was shining through the curtains behind him.

“The brat, there’s something wrong with him.”

Sleepiness left in a rush as panic set in. “What? What’s wrong?”

“How should I know?” Ashiei said, tucking his shoulders. There were deep rings under his eyes. “He won’t eat, he won’t sleep, and he won’t stop crying. Here, look.” He sat down and set the baby on the futon next to Yuki. The baby was almost old enough to sit up on his own, but still struggled a bit; he whined softly and slowly slumped over onto the bedding next to Yuki.

Yuki sat up, leaning over Jun. He was so afraid that for a moment he just sat frozen, watching Jun lay on the bed, who was alternating between panting and whining. The baby was sweating through his onesie, his cheeks were flushed, and his eyes were clamped shut. He was squirming in discomfort. To Yuki’s alarm, Jun stopped moving altogether for a minute, curled and rigid in a fetal position; then his arms started to shake.

“W- what’s he doing? Jun!” Yuki said in a panic, hovering his hand over Jun. He wanted to grab Jun, but wasn’t sure what was happening, if it might hurt him.

“Yeah, see, he keeps doing that,” Ashiei said, as if remarking on the weather. 

“What?” Yuki stared up at Ashiei in shock. “Wha—do something!” 

Ashiei shrugged. “You think I haven’t tried? Just wait, he’ll stop in a few minutes.”

Yuki could feel his own hand shaking as he reached to touch Jun, as if he might be able to calm the baby despite feeling overwhelmed himself. The baby’s skin was hot to the touch. “He has a fever,” Yuki said. “Do you have medicine?”

Ashiei tilted his head. “Um, for adults, maybe. I don’t got any baby medicine.”

Yuki growled in frustration. “Well, go get some!”

Ashiei frowned. “Why? He’ll be fine, just let him sweat it out.”

Yuki watched Jun shake, irritation and fear clashing in his head. “It’s not right, something doesn’t feel right, you gotta take him to a doctor.”

“Come on, it’s just a fever. Doctors are expensive, Yukio.”

“I know that!” Yuki snapped, balling his fists against the blankets. “I… I’ll…” He stared at Jun, and bowed his head. “I’ll do anything.” 

“Hmm? What’s that?” Ashiei said, picking at his ear. 

Yuki could feel his whole body shaking as he turned to Ashiei and bowed his head to the floor. “P.. please,” he said through gritted teeth. “Please help him. I’ll… do anything.”

“Oh, this is a nice sight,” Ashiei said, chuckling. “Anything, huh? Don’t suppose I can get that in writing.”

Yuki lifted his head a little to glare at Ashiei. 

Ashiei leaned back, spreading his legs. “How do I know you’re serious?” he said with a smirk.

Rage coursed through Yuki’s body, and he had to hold his arms to keep from lashing out; he could feel the prickling of his nails digging into his skin. He forced himself to let go and crawl forward between Ashiei’s legs. He knelt, hands shaking with anger now more than fear as he reached to undo the button on Ashiei’s pants. He pulled down Ashiei’s boxers, and just as he was about to dip his head, he felt a hand twist in his hair and push him away.

“That’s enough, I don’t want your teeth anywhere near there right now,” Ashiei said. “It’d be like putting my dick in a rabid dog’s mouth.” Yuki sat back, holding his arms as Ashiei buttoned himself back up and stood up with a sigh. “Alright, I’ll take the stupid brat. I know a guy who can take a look at him.” Jun had stopped shaking and was back to moaning and squirming. Ashiei picked him up and started to walk back towards the door. On his way, he ruffled Yuki’s hair, and Yuki shoved him away. “I’ll be thinking about how I want to use my IOU!” he said with a laugh. 

Yuki couldn’t even begin to relax until he heard the front door slam. He sank against the bedding, shaking, trying to blink back tears. “Jun…” he muttered. Terrified as he was, he felt the panic and disgust at what he’d done ebb away, and was asleep again before he knew it. 

He awoke shivering all over, with a tiny hand slapping his face.

“Big Brother, wake up!” Jun said. 

“Five more minutes,” Yuki groaned, rolling over.

“You said that five minutes ago!”

“Ten more minutes.”

Jun grabbed onto Yuki’s jacket and rocked him back and forth. “Get uuppp! I’m hungry!”

“Alright, alright,” Yuki said, pushing himself up shakily. His throat hurt, and he was aching all over. There was snot and drool stuck to the side of his face, and he tried to wipe it off with his dirty sleeve without much success.

“Can I, can I come with you today?” Jun said, already putting his shoes on. 

“Yeah, fine. Grab a bag for me, will you?” Yuki reached to put on his shoes and nearly toppled over.

Jun craned his head nearly upside-down to look up into Yuki’s face. “You okay?”

Yuki gave him a weak thumbs up. “Yeah, just a little tired,” he said, coughing.

“Don’t worry, Big Brother, I’m gonna help!” Jun said, holding out an empty trash bag. 

They stepped out of the tent into the freezing January morning. Jun led the way up to the street, bundled up from head to toe in as much winter clothing as Yuki could scrounge from a trash heap. Jun waddled a bit as he walked, keeping up a constant stream of chatter as they stopped at a convenience store to pick up some bread for breakfast. Jun insisted on paying, and handed over the 100-yen coins with pride. The clerk behind the counter just stared at them and asked if they wanted a bag. As they sat outside the store eating their bread, Yuki found his attention straying to the bamboo _ kadomatsu _ New Year’s decorations by the doors. What was it people usually did at New Years again? He thought he remembered getting money as a kid, but it felt like so long ago. Should he give Jun something? It was the first time he had money to spend of his own, but lately no matter how much he worked, it didn’t seem to be enough. Daisuke just took more and more of it. 

“Big Brother, what’s that white thing?” Jun said, pointing up at a businessman walking by. 

Yuki looked up. “That’s, um… a mask. And don’t point,” he said, pushing Jun’s arm down.

“A mask? What for?” 

“So he doesn’t get sick. Or get other people sick. It’s winter, so a lot of people get sick.”

Jun looked around, scanning the crowd. “Ah, she has one!” he said, pointing. “And he has one!” Yuki pushed his arm back down.

“Come on, let’s get going,” Yuki said, lifting Jun up by the armpits and swinging him forward. “We’ll stay warmer if we keep moving.”

Jun followed along, holding onto Yuki’s hand. “Do I need a mask?” he said.

Yuki glanced down at Jun and looked away. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

“If I have a mask, I won’t get sick all the time?”

Yuki chuckled softly. “I don’t think it works like that.”

“Oh,” Jun said, pouting and kicking at the ground as they walked.

Even though it was freezing outside, Yuki found himself sweating underneath his clothes, stifling hot. As the day wore on it started to feel unbearable, and he had a pounding headache. With some regret that he wouldn’t have enough to get Jun a New Year’s card after all, they turned in their finds early and took the small handful of coins back to the homeless camp. 

Daisuke met them at the bottom of the stairs. “How’d it go?”

Trying to focus on Daisuke’s face was difficult; there seemed to be two of him. Yuki rubbed his eyes. “Bad,” he said.

Both of Daisuke’s faces frowned. “It’s not even six o’clock yet.”

“If you want the money so bad, old man,” Yuki said, swaying, “then why don’t you go get it?” He reached forward to push Daisuke, and missed entirely. The ground rushed up to meet him, and came to a stop as Daisuke caught him around the middle. “Leggo of me!” Yuki said, squirming.

“You okay, kid? You don’t look so great.”

“I’m fine, I just... have a bad headache,” Yuki said, staggering. “I said leggo!” The pressure around his waist was released, and he stumbled forward. The world was starting to spin, his feet were slipping out from under him. He slumped to his knees, and fell sideways onto the ground, feeling the refreshing coolness of the concrete on his cheek. 

“Big Brother!” Jun said somewhere in the distance, as the world rushed up away from him, and he passed out. 

He awoke cringing in pain, with a tiny hand slapping his face.

He couldn’t open his eyes. He knew Jun was next to him because the baby was cooing and slapping his face. He knew he was naked because he could feel the cold air prickling the sweat on his back, but despite the cold air it was hot, unbearably hot. 

“Come on, get away from him,” a voice growled, and the baby squealed in protest as he was pulled away. 

Yuki opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out except for a long moan. It was difficult to think about anything other than the pain and the overwhelming heat. He wanted to move, but his body wasn’t listening to him at all. 

There was the soft thud of another set of footsteps in the room, and Yuki was distracted from the pain for a moment by a surge of fear that knotted his stomach. “Is this him?” an unfamiliar voice said, a low voice, a man’s voice. The footsteps were moving towards Yuki.

“Yeah, found him like that this morning,” Ashiei said from somewhere else in the room. 

There was the rustle of fabric and the creak of the floorboards as the unfamiliar someone kneeled down near Yuki. A broad, cold hand touched his forehead, then the side of his neck. The best Yuki could do to get away was flinch a little. 

“He’s burning up, and his pulse is erratic. Why do you always wait so long to call me, Li?” the man said, his voice tutting with annoyance. “I thought I said to call me right away after you brought me the baby with—” Yuki wasn’t sure what the next word was, he’d never heard it before. Something about a disease? A rash? It was so hot... why was it so hot in here?

“Yeah, yeah, get off my ass, Doc,” Ashiei said with a snort.

There was a sharp zipping sound and clinking. Yuki felt a hand roll him onto his side, and felt a momentary relief as cold air rushed across his chest. Something cold poked into his mouth and he tried to pull his head away, giving a soft groan of protest. A firm hand pressed his head to the floor as the cold something poked under his tongue. After a moment, there was a sharp beep, and the something was pulled away.

“40.1,” the man muttered to himself, and swore. Yuki wished they would just go away so he could go back to sleep. Instead, his nose prickled at the familiar scent of latex rubber, and he felt fingers push back his lips and pry open his jaw. He clicked his jaw shut and squirmed a little. “No sores, but he looks a little anemic. And his lips are dry. When was the last time he drank something?” 

“I dunno. Last night? I don’t pay attention,” Ashiei said.

“You really are the worst, you know that?” 

Ashiei laughed. “What’s that say about you, I wonder?”

“Don’t lump me in with you just because I have to clean up after your messes,” the man snapped. “Get over here, you might have to help me with this part.” There was a heavy stomping as Ashiei moved over next to Yuki, and more clinking noises as the man rifled through a bag for something. Through a haze of heat and pain, Yuki could only wonder vaguely what they were doing with a building sense of dread. A cold hand brushed his hips, and he instinctively kicked and tried to pull away.

“ _ Ack _ —yeah, see, you have to hold him,” the man said. “No, no, from the top.” Yuki felt the brush of fabric and a radiating warmth underneath him as he was pulled up into Ashiei’s lap, heavy arms wrapping around his chest under his arms. It would almost feel reassuring if he wasn’t utterly terrified. More hands lifted his pelvis up onto a pillow and pushed his legs up, and when he tried to kick again, one of Ashiei’s arms let go of his chest and seized him under the knees.

“Hurry up,” Ashiei growled.

“Relax, kid, I just need to take a quick look,” the man said, but it was difficult for Yuki to relax with the pain rippling up his pelvis and spine. Yuki felt something cold and wet poke inside him, and he screamed. His back arched as he tried to pull away, and there was a commotion as the two men tried to pin Yuki down. Somewhere else in the room, Jun had started to cry.

“Stop him, he’s going to hurt himself if I don’t take it out,” the man hissed.

Yuki felt a constricting pressure as Ashiei squeezed his shoulders. “Yukio, stop!” 

His body obeyed the command without needing to think. He immediately went rigid, trembling and whining softly. Everyone took a moment to catch their breath. Jun stopped crying.

“If you can hear me, Yukio-kun,” the man said with a bit of a pant, “I’m sorry it hurts, but I need you to hold still, okay?”

Yuki didn’t respond, just continued to cry silently as the doctor went back to work. After a moment, he felt the object pull out of him and heard the man sigh. 

“Yeah that’s pretty much what I thought, he’s septic. He should be fine, but I need to take him back to the clinic with me right away to get him some IV fluids and antibiotics. Think you can wrap him up and bring him to the car, Li?”

“Uh, s-sure,” Ashiei said. There was more clinking and another loud zip, and footsteps as the man stepped back. The pressure around Yuki’s chest fell away and a cool sheet was wrapped around him. He felt a surge of nausea as he was lifted up into the air and thrown over Ashiei’s shoulder. 

As they headed for the front door, the men’s footsteps echoing on the floorboards, the doctor continued to talk. “What do you think you’re doing over there, treating them like this?” the doctor said in a scolding tone. “They’re not toys. They could be permanently damaged if you work them like this. Do you even have the customers wear protection? Do they use any lubrication at least?” 

“Well, yeah, of course, unless…”

“No, don’t finish that sentence,” the man snapped. “I don’t want to know.” The footsteps stopped as they paused at the doorway. “If Wang-sama knew what you were doing with his property…” 

“He’d give me his blessing, probably,” Ashiei said.

“If you weren’t his brother, Li, I’d punch you in the face,” the man said. “You make me sick.”

“Yeah, I get that a lot.”

The man sighed, and there was a loud creak as the door was pulled open. They went down the hall, down the stairs, and out onto the street. A car beeped as the doors were unlocked, and there was a thunk as a door was pulled open. Yuki could feel the world shifting as he was dumped onto the back seat, still wrapped up. Someone reached over and clicked a seatbelt over him.

“I’ll bring him back tomorrow,” the doctor said. Yuki tried to open his eyes, but he could only see two dark blurs he assumed were the doctor and Ashiei standing next to the car, the man’s arms crossed, Ashiei leaning against the side of the car. “Make sure he takes the medicine. And  _ don’t  _ let him do any more penetrative intercourse for a while until he heals. I mean it, Li.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say, Doc,” Ashiei said, and his blur moved away from the car and the door slammed shut. Another door opened and shut as the doctor climbed inside and started the engine. Strains of classical music poured out of the speakers, and Yuki drifted back into unconsciousness to the rumble of the engine and the soft swell of music.

Someone was humming. The tune sounded familiar, but he couldn’t really place it. Confused, he blinked open his eyes.

It was dark in the tent. What little light there was filtered blue through the plastic tarps covering the holes in the walls. As his eyes struggled to adjust, he could make out a large dark shape next to him. 

Yuki jerked backwards in fear, and winced, coughing. The humming stopped.

“Sorry, did I scare you?” Daisuke said. “My bad. This little guy has me pinned.”

Yuki looked down, and saw Jun cradled in Daisuke’s lap, fast asleep. He struggled to sit up on his elbows. “Get away from him,” Yuki said, his throat burning and his voice strained.

“Still don’t trust me, huh?” As gently as he could, Daisuke lifted Jun and pulled him off his lap, placing him next to Yuki. Jun murmured in his sleep, but didn’t wake up. “You know, if I wanted to hurt either of you, I could have done it already, right?”

Yuki said nothing, just slumped back against the futon with a heavy sigh. He buried his head in Jun’s shoulder. 

“You’re really stubborn, you know that? Shouldn’t have gone out today. You’ve got a pretty bad fever, you probably have the flu,” Daisuke said. 

Yuki immediately pulled away from Jun. “The flu?”

“Yeah, I’m no doctor, but I’ve seen it plenty of times. You’ll be fine, just need to rest for a while.”

Yuki swallowed, and coughed, feeling his lungs burn. “What about…”

Daisuke waved his hand. “Don’t worry about that part, we’ll manage. Think you can drink some tea? Might help your throat.”

“Huh? Oh… sure.”

With a grunt of effort, Daisuke rose shakily to his feet and bowed out of the tent. Several minutes later, as Yuki was just starting to drift back to sleep again watching Jun’s chest rise and fall, Daisuke came back in, clutching his own coffee mug. He set the mug next to Yuki and sat back. 

“Th… thanks,” Yuki said. He sat up a little and pulled the mug into his hands, feeling the heat radiate into his cold palms. He sniffed it, but all he could smell was the grassy scent of green tea. The steam filtered up into his nose and loosened his sinuses. For a moment he just took several deep breaths, before carefully taking a tiny sip. When after a few minutes, nothing out of the ordinary happened, he continued to sip at the tea.

“How’s that? Any better?”

Yuki looked away and gave a slow nod.

“See, this old man’s good for something, huh?”

Yuki coughed, trying to clear the phlegm out of his throat. “Um, what… what was that song you were humming earlier?”

“Oh, that? I don’t know, theme song to some cartoon my son used to watch all the time. When he was sick, he used to like me singing it to him.”

It was too dark to get a read of Daisuke’s face. “You had a son?” Yuki said.

“Ah, yeah, once. Probably an adult now, if he’s still out there. Not interested in cartoons anymore, I suppose.”

“Can I… ask what happened to him?”

Daisuke shifted his weight. “Nothing in particular. Just ended up with a bum for a dad.” 

“Oh… I’m sorry,” Yuki said, placing the empty mug on the floor. 

Daisuke reached forward to take the mug. “Not your fault, kid.” 

Yuki glanced back as Daisuke leaned forward to try and stand back up. “Hey, um, can I ask you something?”

“Already did, but you can ask me something else.”

Yuki was glad it was too dark for Daisuke to see him blushing. “Can you take care of my brother for me? I don’t… I don’t want him to get what I have.”

Daisuke’s silhouette was frozen against the light from the tarp. “You trust me to do that?”

Yuki looked down at his hands. “No, but there’s no one else I can ask.”

Daisuke chuckled. “It’s nice to be a reliable last resort.” He reached down and pulled Jun back towards him. Jun was so deeply asleep that drool was leaking out of the side of his mouth. He tucked Jun against his chest, and leaned forward again to get up.

“Wait,” Yuki said.

“What, another question?” Daisuke said. 

Yuki balled the blankets in his hands, twisting them around his fingers. “Um… I…”

“Is the question coming sometime before morning?”

“Can you… can you hum that song again?” Yuki could feel Daisuke staring at him again, and the back of his neck burned in embarrassment when Daisuke didn’t answer for a moment. “I’m sorry, forget I…”

“No, it’s… it’s fine,” Daisuke said, settling back down on the floor. 

Not sure what came over him and blaming it thoroughly on the fever, Yuki laid back down with his head on the pillow, looking pointedly away from Daisuke at a spot on the wall. Daisuke started to hum again. He definitely wasn’t the best singer. Still, Yuki felt the quaint tune wrapping around him, and as the song looped back over again, he didn’t manage to stay awake long enough to hear the end.


	7. Identity - 正体

The cartoon launched into its theme song, and Jun screeched with delight and reached for the screen. Yuki held the baby firmly in his lap, sitting on the floor just a few feet away from the old and snowy television set. The audio fizzed and crackled a bit. Neither of them really cared, staring enraptured at the television as animated robots flew past the screen.

The lock on the front door rattled, and Yuki jumped, squeezing Jun to his chest. He looked around for the remote, but it seemed to have disappeared somewhere in the piles of garbage and dirty dishes around the living room.

The door opened, and Ashiei staggered into the apartment, slamming the door and locking it behind him. Yuki looked up; Jun continued to stare at the screen. Ashiei glanced at the two of them before heading towards the couch. “What, no ‘welcome home’?” he grumbled.

Yuki looked back to the television screen, doing his best to ignore Ashiei as the man threw himself down on the couch and tossed a bag on the coffee table with a loud thunk. There was the crack and hiss of a can as Ashiei opened a beer. “What’s this shit?” Ashiei said. “You been watching this all day?”

Yuki glanced behind him at Ashiei, and looked back to the screen.

“You know I think I.. I think I heard somewhere that this kinda stuff is bad for you,” Ashiei continued, undeterred by Yuki ignoring him. “Rots your brain.” He took a loud gulp of the can, and barely suppressed a belch. “So, I take it you’re feeling better?”

Yuki held Jun a little tighter; the baby burbled in annoyance.

“Should with how much that doctor cost. Set us back more than a bit, with you not working. What are we supposed to do about this? Huh?” He slammed the empty beer can down on the table, and Yuki flinched.

Jun was starting to get antsy; he squirmed in Yuki’s arms and struggled to free himself. He slipped out from under Yuki’s grip and rolled onto the floor. Jun had recently started to crawl, and he wasted no time taking off to explore. Yuki was so distracted trying to keep track of him that he didn’t notice Ashiei crouched behind him until his hand was on Yuki’s shoulder. Yuki jumped and leaned sideways away from Ashiei.

“Hey, I got an idea,” Ashiei said, his breath making Yuki cough a little. “For how you could make a little more cash.”

Yuki got up into a crouch, ready to run but not sure what he was running from, knowing it’d be useless either way. Ashiei didn’t make a move on him, though; he shuffled away to rummage through some of the junk sitting next to the TV. He pawed through a small stack of DVD rental boxes that had long since passed their return dates, selecting one from the pile. He shoved aside a stack of advertisements and old magazines to get at the DVD player and insert the disc. It took him a few more minutes to find the remote; the baby had found it first, and Ashiei had to wrestle it away and wipe the drool off before using it.

Yuki sat back, torn between curiosity and dread, as Ashiei messed with the remote to switch over to the DVD. He skipped through scenes, finally stopping at one. Yuki glanced at the screen, and recoiled.

The actors in the film were totally naked. A woman was lying face down on a bed, her head tilted to the side and her hips in the air, as a much larger man rammed into her from behind. With each thrust, she screamed a little.

Yuki jumped up, and was about to sprint out of the room before Ashiei’s hand latched onto his ankle.

“Oh, no you don’t,” Ashiei said, snickering. “Come on, sit down. I said, sit  _ down _ .” He gave Yuki’s leg a sharp tug, and the boy sat down hard, pain shooting up his spine from his tailbone.

Yuki covered his eyes, but listening to the moaning and the slapping and wet sounds were almost just as bad.

“Here’s what I’m thinking,” Ashiei said, cracking open another beer can. “You’re doing okay at work, but what you really need are some regulars. Guys that keep coming back for more. And if you want those, you can’t just lay there like a dead fish. You gotta, you know. How do you say…” He trailed off, mumbling, sipping at the beer. “Sweeten the deal? No, that’s not right. Well anyway, you gotta be more like this bitch. Look at her. She’s so hungry for it, she can’t help herself.”

Yuki peeked through his fingers, but only watched long enough to see that the couple had changed positions and brought in a second man. He snapped his fingers shut.

“Well, it’s all pretend, anyway. Just a movie. They act like sluts on camera because they get paid to.” Ashiei took a long gulp of beer. “That’s what you gotta do, Yukio. Just pretend to be like these sluts. They’ll lap it up like dogs.” Yuki felt a sharp slap on the back of his arm, and he pulled his hands down in surprise. “Hey, pay attention.”

Yuki found himself shivering, trying not to look at the blur of flesh colors out of the corner of his eye. Despite his fear and disgust at what he was seeing, he could feel his body reacting to the sounds and images as if out of habit. His skin was getting warm, and he squirmed in discomfort. He could feel the weight of eyes on him, and his eyes darted up to meet Ashiei’s gaze.

Ashiei was giving him a knowing grin. “You like that, huh?”

Yuki shook his head, crossing his legs.

“Liar,” Ashiei chuckled. “You’re a boy, of course you do.” He set the can aside, and rolled over towards Yuki. “Come on, let me see,” he said, reaching for Yuki’s pants.

“No!” Yuki said, backpedaling away from Ashiei, but the man was faster; he grabbed the waistband of Yuki’s pants and wrenched them off in a few tugs.

“Hah! See, told you,” Ashiei said, laughing. Yuki scrambled to get his pants back. “Don’t worry, it’s supposed to do that. See?” Ashiei grabbed Yuki’s hand and shoved it down his pants. Yuki’s fingertips brushed something hard and he wrenched his hand back. Ashiei just laughed. “You act like a blushing bride, but you’re really just a slut like them, aren’t you?” He nodded at the television screen. “You want it, don’t you?”

Yuki shook his head as hard as he could, clutching his arms to himself.

“You’re such a liar.” Ashiei shuffled out of his pants and underwear and kicked them aside, stroking himself.

Yuki shuffled backwards, but Ashiei’s hand shot out and clamped onto his wrist to keep him from escaping, the other continuing to touch himself to the rhythm of the sounds in the video. Yuki pulled at Ashiei’s hand, trying to shake him off. “Let go!” He gave Ashiei’s leg a sharp kick.

With a growl of frustration, Ashiei abandoned touching himself and grabbed Yuki by the waist with both hands, dragging him over and settling Yuki on his lap with his back to the screen. Fear and rage were locked in combat in Yuki’s head, leaving him frozen straddling Ashiei’s lap.

“You owe me, Yukio,” Ashiei said in a low voice. “I could have let you die. But I didn’t, and now we owe that bastard money for saving you. How are you going to repay it, huh?”

Yuki glanced back at the screen, avoiding Ashiei’s gaze. He felt a hand brush past his hips, and the momentary friction was such a relief that a quick moan escaped his lips before he could stop it. He clamped his hand over his mouth and looked back to Ashiei in fear. Ashiei had a wide grin on his face.

“Just like that,” he said.

“What do you mean?” Ruby said, his thin brows knitting together.

Yuki glanced aside over at the other corner of the lounge, where a few boys were playing with Jun. The baby was screeching with laughter and clapping his hands. “I mean like, how do you… um…” Yuki wrung his hands, trying to find the words. “How do you… act like the… customers… want you to.”

Ruby set his head in his hands, his elbows on the table. “Huh? Act?” He stared at Yuki for a moment, his long lashes fluttering as he blinked. His eyes widened, and he sat up straight with his arms stretched along the table. “Oh? Is Prince Yukio asking me for  _ advice _ ?”

Yuki blushed, and stood up, his chair scraping against the floor. “Forget I asked,” he said, and started to walk away.

“Hey, hold on! I didn’t say I wouldn’t tell you,” Ruby said. He hugged his arms to himself. “Just let me enjoy this for a second. The great Yukio, asking me for help.”

Yuki gritted his teeth, and sat back down.

Ruby stroked a delicate hand through his red hair, which was starting to grow long enough to get in the way. He tossed it aside. “’Act’, huh… well, it’s not like every customer is the same… you have to know what it is that they want, and just… become that person.”

“How do you know what they want?”

Ruby crossed his arms. “Mmm, well, that’s tricky. Most of them want you to really kiss up to them, you know? Make a lot of noise, talk about how big they are, stuff like that. I’ve met a few who don’t want that, who want you to try to fight back.” Ruby made a sour face, his lips pursed. “They’re usually pretty mean. You’ll know, you’ll know right away if you’ve got one of those.”

For a moment, Yuki pictured the red half-moon marks on Wang’s hand oozing blood, heard the ringing of his laughter. Yuki shuddered and shook his head. “I don’t think I can do it… I wouldn’t know what to say…”

“‘What to say’, huh…” Ruby stared at Yuki, and started to giggle. He rocked in his seat, his voice breaking into loud moans. “Oh… ah!  _ Okyaku-sama! _ Right there! Oh! Put it in me, please! Ah!  _ Ahhh! _ ”

Yuki sat back in his chair in surprise and felt his face burning. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see every face in the room turn towards them.

Ruby was writhing in his seat, the moans transitioning into squeals and short screams of pleasure. After a couple minutes of calling out in ecstasy, he doubled over, panting. Yuki sat frozen in his seat, horrified and more than a little embarrassed at what he had just witnessed.

Ruby wiped the sweat from his brow and tucked his hair behind his ear. “Something like that, maybe?” he said with a small smile.

Yuki glanced over at the other boys, who made a big show of looking away and going back to what they were doing. He slumped down in his seat a little. “How… how’d you learn to do that?” he mumbled.

Ruby twined his hands together, stretching. He was still smiling, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Oh, well… my dad, actually.”

Yuki stared at him, feeling nauseated.

Ruby tilted his head. “It must not have been good enough for him, because he left me here.”

Yuki dropped his gaze to his feet propped up on the edge of the chair. “I… I’m sorry…”

Ruby leaned back in his chair. “You know, I know what they say about me,” he said, frowning. “That I’m a slut. That I like it.”

Yuki looked up.

Ruby grinned. “It’s true. I do. I like it. It feels good. Don’t you think so?”

Yuki bit his lip and looked away.

Ruby sank down in his chair. “Why should I be ashamed? Why shouldn’t I be happy? What makes you so much better than me, anyway?” he muttered to himself.

Yuki stood up, avoiding Ruby’s gaze. “Thanks for your help,” he mumbled.

“Just pretend you’re someone else,” Ruby said, not turning to look as Yuki walked past. “Pretend you’re me.”

Ruby was right. It was easier to pretend to be someone else. Someone who wasn’t afraid, who didn’t feel pain. Someone who liked it.

The same customers started to come back. They told their friends. Yuki made a point not to learn their real names, but came up with nicknames for each one.

Ame-san was always gentle and gave him candy afterwards. It was hard to deal with Ame-san. He hated Ame-san.

Shiai-san would buy an hour, finish in the first ten minutes, and spend the rest of the time playing a card game with Yuki and complaining about work. When they had exhausted card games, Shiai-san taught him to play chess and  _ shogi _ and  _ go _ . Yuki sometimes wondered if Shiai-san just wanted someone to talk to.

Nawa-san was into bondage and spent most of the time he bought just tying Yuki up in weird positions. Yuki always ended up with red rope burns in different patterns. Nawa-san told him how beautiful he looked, and took photos. He’d sometimes bring the photos back in to show Yuki. It made Yuki laugh to think that those photos might be in an album somewhere sitting on Nawa-san’s coffee table. It was easier to laugh than throw up.

Otou-san was the nickname the customer chose. He always wanted Yuki to pretend to be his son, and would bring in outfits for Yuki to wear. The other day, he brought Yuki a baseball uniform. He apologized over and over again for missing Yuki’s game and promised to make it up to him. Yuki often found himself wondering if the man had a son like Ruby at home, if visiting Yuki was a way of avoiding that. He didn’t want to know the truth.

Kareshi-san always paid extra to bring a girl along with him. He would have her sit in the corner while he was with Yuki. It was a different girl every time, and Yuki found himself morbidly interested in how each girl would react. Most of them looked disgusted, but didn’t do anything to stop Kareshi-san. Yuki was pretty sure most of them were also whores.

Nakimushi-san always cried the whole time, and Yuki found himself in the odd position of having to comfort and reassure the customer. Yuki always felt like crying himself afterwards.

Itami-san couldn’t finish if Yuki wasn’t screaming. He had ways of causing pain that didn’t leave marks. Fighting it just made it a game for Itami-san. Yuki had started to memorize the patterns of plaster on the ceiling and walls from trying not to look at Itami-san. The more often Itami-san visited, the more Yuki found he couldn’t remember the visits, other than the patterns he’d seen. Dog. Cloud. Rabbit. Flower.

The days and weeks flowed together. Yuki was starting to lose a sense of what was himself and what was not. Was he the one who smiled when he saw Ame-san? Was he the one who cradled Nakimushi-san’s head against his chest? Was he the one who screamed for Itami-san until his throat was raw? Did he spread his legs and cry out in ecstasy for Kareshi-san because he liked it, or because he wanted to see the girl’s face turn white when he did? What was it he wanted? Why was he doing this again?

“Congrats, Yukio-kun,” Hiroshi said, his arms folded.

Yuki blinked up at him, frozen in the middle of trying to fit a spoon of baby food into Jun’s mouth. Jun slapped the spoon out of Yuki’s hand, and Yuki jumped in surprise as pureed carrot splattered all over his shirt. The baby slipped out of Yuki’s arms and took off running. Yuki sighed.

“Congrats for what?” he said, dabbing at his shirt with a towel.

“I heard they gave you a bigger room as the top earner. Congrats.”

Yuki glared at him. “It’s not that I wanted it.”

Hiroshi gave a dismissive snort. “Sure. Don’t forget, I have the room next to yours. I’ve heard you.”

Yuki blushed. “That’s… just an act. Pretend.”

“Whatever you say.”

Yuki stood up. He’d grown a bit, but Hiroshi was still taller than him. “I’m not here because I want to be,” he snapped.

“Neither am I, but at least I’m not licking the customers’ feet while I’m at it.” Hiroshi leaned in and dropped his voice. “You know, you’re becoming just like Ruby. You like it, don’t you?” 

Yuki balled his fists at his sides. “No, I don’t!”

Hiroshi went on as if Yuki hadn’t said anything. “The rest of us don’t get to go home in the morning. We’re stuck here, all the time. But not you, Yukio-kun. Why is that?” he said in a rush. “You live with one of the bosses, don’t you? So, what? Do you sleep with him, too? Is that why he treats you special?”

Yuki gave Hiroshi a sharp shove on the chest. “Shut up!”

Hiroshi laughed. “I’m right, aren’t I? Did he teach you that stuff? Did he tell you what to say to make the customers fall all over you?”

“I said shut up!” Yuki took a swing at Hiroshi, who dodged sideways. Hiroshi grabbed Yuki’s arm and twisted it backwards, bracing his other hand against Yuki’s back to hold him away. Yuki hissed in pain.

“It’s all true, isn’t it? You’re sick,” Hiroshi said, shaking his head. “You’re all sick.”

It was happening again, that weird feeling Yuki sometimes got when he was with customers. Like he was sliding sideways out of his body. His head lolled, and his lips moved on their own. “Like you’re one to talk, Hi-ro-shi- _ kun _ ,” a voice said with his mouth. “You think I haven’t heard you, too?”

Hiroshi immediately let go of Yuki, and Yuki watched his body stumble forwards as if from the other side of a window. The commotion was starting to draw a crowd, though the other boys stood well back from Hiroshi and Yuki.

Yuki’s body turned back towards Hiroshi. “You think I don’t hear you crying out for your mommy between customers? Why are you crying, Hiroshi-kun? She’s not coming for you. Was she a whore, too?”

It was Hiroshi’s turn for his body to go rigid with fear and rage. His eyes darted from Yuki to the other boys in the room and back. “If you don’t shut up right now,” Hiroshi growled between his teeth. “I’ll kill you, I swear.”

Yuki’s voice broke into a cackling laugh. “Are you jealous? Is that it? Are you jealous of us?” He stepped towards Hiroshi, and the boy stepped backwards. “You only have one use anymore, don’t you, and you’re not even any good at it. Poor thing.”

“ _ Shut up! _ ” Hiroshi’s back hit the wall, and he leaned back as Yuki’s hand reached out to caress his cheek.

“It’s really yourself that you hate, isn’t it?” Yuki’s voice whispered in his ear. A smile stretched across his face. “Maybe you’re the one who’s sick.”

Hiroshi bellowed with rage and pushed Yuki away from him. He swung at Yuki’s grinning face, and Yuki’s head snapped to the side. The two boys started to kick and punch and scratch at each other, their fight falling to the ground as the other boys shouted around them. Yuki stood back, watching his body roll on the ground to dodge a blow to the ribcage. The hits looked painful, but there was no pain, just a roiling, surging panic.  _ No. Stop. Wait. Stop it! Stop! _ But his body wouldn’t obey him. Thanks to Itami-san, he knew all the points that would hurt the most, and Hiroshi screamed in agony as Yuki’s body pinned the boy face-down on the floor.

“What the fuck is going on here?!” Ashiei shouted.

In an instant, Yuki was back in his body, pushing Hiroshi’s head against the floor, pulling Hiroshi’s arm over his back. He immediately let go, and Hiroshi whimpered, tears squeezing out of a swollen eye. The burning ache in his cheek, the pull of cold air into his chest, the rapid pounding of his heart, all rushed back in sharp relief and made Yuki gasp. Before he could make sense of what was going on, Ashiei was pulling him off Hiroshi.

“Alright, who started this?” Ashiei said, looking around the room. Each boy looked at each other, and pointed at either Hiroshi or Yuki. Ashiei growled in annoyance. He threw Yuki to the floor next to Hiroshi. He stomped on Yuki’s stomach, and Yuki rolled over and vomited on the floor. Hiroshi struggled to get up, and Ashiei kicked him aside into the wall. “The next time I see this happen,” Ashiei shouted, as the other boys shrank back. “I’ll kill everyone involved; do I make myself clear?”

There was a fearful murmuring of agreement. Yuki curled up against the floor, shaking and wheezing. Ashiei reached down to pull Yuki up by the back of his neck. “Get up,” he said. “You’ve got someone here to see you.”

Yuki staggered to his feet, Ashiei shoving him towards the door. Yuki got one last look at a bruised and shaken Hiroshi being helped up by Ruby before they stepped out in the hallway and the door snapped closed, the murmur of voices dying away.

Ashiei pushed Yuki towards the door of his new room. A man was standing there waiting, his hands in his pockets. Yuki glanced up, and his body froze mid-step as the man smiled.

It was Itami-san.

Dog. Cloud. Rabbit. Flower.

“What’s this one?” Jun said, pointing to a picture on the page.

“That’s a house,” Yuki said. “That’s the doggy’s home.”

“’Home’…” Jun held the book up. “Which one means home?”

Yuki pointed at two characters of text at the bottom of the page. “These two, see? ‘U’, ‘chi’.”

Jun brushed his hands over the text. “ _ Uchi _ …” He put the book down, and craned his neck up to look back at Yuki. “Big Brother, when are we going home?”

Yuki stared back at Jun. “Huh?”

Jun looked away. He was sitting in Yuki’s lap outside the tent, the spring sunshine warm on their faces. Jun looked up to the trees lining the street above their heads. The trees were covered in pale pink blossoms, shedding their petals like snow. Jun watched the petals twirling through the air as they fell to the ground and drifted away in a stream of water heading into the sewage tunnel. “When are we going home?” he said again.

Yuki shifted Jun’s weight in his lap, so he could stretch his legs out. “What do you mean? Aren’t we home now?”

Jun shook his head. “I wanna go home,” he said, his tiny hands curling against the pages of the book. “I wanna play with my friends. Where’s Hiro-tan? Where’s Ruby-chan?”

Yuki swallowed a lump in his throat. “I told you, Jun, you can’t see them anymore…”

“No!” Jun slapped his palms against the book. “I wanna see them! I wanna play!” He pushed the book away. “Where’s Uncle? Did the fire eat him?”

“Jun, I… I don’t know…”

Jun’s lower lip trembled. “Did the fire eat up home, too?” Yuki hugged Jun to his chest, but the toddler squirmed away. “No! Get away!”

“Stop, Jun! We’re not going home, okay? This is home now.”

“No!” Jun shoved the book away and jumped out of Yuki’s lap. “It’s your fault, it’s all your fault! You’re a bad big brother! Bad!”

Yuki’s hand moved before he could stop it. Jun reeled sideways from the slap. At first, he was too stunned to react, holding onto his cheek; then the toddler burst into tears. Yuki sat back, horrified, his hand still hovering in the air. “Jun, I… I’m sorry…”

Jun’s whole body was shaking as he sobbed. “Idiot! Dummy! You’re bad! Bad!” He turned and ran into the tent, kicking Yuki in the side on the way by.

Yuki sat frozen on the concrete outside, watching the flower petals fall around him. He could hear Jun wailing in the tent behind him. “It’s all my fault, huh…” he muttered to himself.

“That’s right,” Ashiei said. “You said you’d do anything, didn’t you?”

Yuki sat curled on the big bed in his new room at the brothel, staring at a small bouquet of flowers in a vase sitting on the nightstand. As he watched, a petal fell off one of the flowers and landed on the nightstand with an almost imperceptible tap. “I… I did, but…”

“Then there’s no problem, right?” Ashiei glanced at the screen on the camcorder, adjusting the angle of the lens. “Listen, they’re paying us a lot of money for this. So I just need you to do your thing for the camera, and I’ll say we’re even for the brat.”

_ Do my thing? _ There was a knock at the door, and Ashiei looked away from the camera to greet a young man Yuki had never seen before. The two exchanged a few hushed words, and with a last stern glance at Yuki, Ashiei left the room.

The man turned to Yuki and smiled. “Yukio-kun, right?” he said. The soft, warm scent of cologne was drifting off of him, a kind of woody smell. 

It was happening again, and Yuki didn’t bother fighting it. He slipped aside as his body stayed put and the corners of his mouth turned to mirror the man’s expression. “That’s right,” his voice said.

There was a creaking sound as the door opened and another strange man entered the room, holding a canvas bag. “I brought the stuff,” the second man said to the first. “Did you set up the cameras?”

“Li got it already,” the other man replied.

“Alright, then, let’s get this party started!” the second man said, and he dumped the contents of the bag on a table by the door. Condom packets slapped against the tabletop; a bottle of lubricant hit the table with a thunk and rolled onto the floor; there was a sharp clinking as a chain spooled against the table and a loud rattle as a pair of shackles hit the chain.

Yuki stood with his back against the door, the sound dropping away, the light from the lamps on the nightstands giving the room a blurry glow. A naked boy with his face was sitting on the bed watching the men take off their clothes. The boy sat back on the bed, rocking his legs open and closed. As the first man climbed on the bed, the boy looked over to Yuki and smiled.

Yuki turned and slipped out of the room, and into blackness. 


	8. Love - 愛情

Yuki pulled open the dresser drawer and peered into the shadows, standing on his tiptoes to reach his short arm all the way to the back. His fingers brushed a paper bag, which crinkled as he pulled it out of the drawer. Looking around to make sure he was really alone, he slipped his finger under the tape holding the bag closed, and dumped the contents into his other hand. His heart leapt with excitement, and he bit his lip trying not to smile too wide. He clenched the item in his hand, pushed the drawer shut, and ran into the living room.

His grandmother looked up from her newspaper as he ran in, smiling at him. Yuki held up his hand and pointed at it, and she gave a brief nod and pointed over at the sliding door leading to the balcony. Tsubaki was standing out on the balcony, hanging up laundry in the bright sunlight. The warm light glowed around her, and for a moment, Yuki just stared at her. Her hair was pulled back into a loose ponytail, and her halter top showed off her namesake camelia flowers tattooed on her left shoulder blade. Even in shorts it was warm enough that she was sweating as she reached above her head to pin a sheet to the clothesline. She stepped back and wiped the sweat from her brow.

Clutching his fist to his chest, Yuki ran out onto the balcony. “Tsubaki!” Yuki said.

Tsubaki looked down at Yuki, the sheet in front of her fluttering in the breeze. “Huh? What’s up?”

Yuki rocked up and down on his toes, his hands behind his back. “Hey, um… turn around, sit down, and close your eyes!”

Tsubaki raised a skeptical brow. “What? Why?”

“Just do it,” Yuki said.

“Alright, alright,” Tsubaki said, and she turned and kneeled on the balcony with her back to him.

Yuki stepped aside and peered into Tsubaki’s face to make sure her eyes were really closed. He opened his hand, and pulled out a large locket on a long, thin chain. He pulled the chain around her neck and fastened it in the back. “There, now you can open your eyes!”

Tsubaki looked down at the locket. “Wow, how pretty! Is this for me?” she said, looking back at Yuki.

Yuki blushed, wringing his hands behind his back, and gave a small nod. “Yeah, happy birthday, Mom.”

To Yuki’s alarm, Tsubaki turned to him and started to tear up, the necklace clutched in her hand. For a moment he was worried he’d made her sad, until she lunged forward and pulled Yuki into a tight hug. “Yuki!” Tsubaki squealed. “Thank you! I’ll cherish it! I’ll treasure it the most after you!”

Yuki flushed with relief and happiness, and reached to hug Tsubaki back.

“Yuki, I love you!” Tsubaki said.

The pressure on his chest was getting uncomfortable; someone was shaking him by the shoulders.

“Brother, wake up! Up! Up! Wake up!”

“Buh? Wuh?” Yuki said groggily, opening his eyes.

Jun was sitting on his chest, his face alive with excitement. He sat back and all his weight dug into Yuki’s stomach. “You’re awake!”

Yuki winced and struggled to push the toddler off of him. “I am now.”

Jun rolled to the side onto the futon, and started to run laps around the inside of the tent. “It’s my birthday! It’s my birthday!”

Yuki rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. “Is it? I had no idea,” he said, yawning.

Jun belly-flopped onto one of the pillows and flattened it. “It’s my birthday! My birthday! I’m… umm…” He started to count on his fingers. He looked to Yuki for help. Yuki held up four fingers. “Four! I’m four!”

Yuki chuckled. “Yeah, that’s right.”

Jun rolled off of the pillow onto his back. “Hey, um, Big Brother…” He scrambled into a sitting position, and stared at Yuki expectantly. “You said you had a present for me?”

“Uh, yeah, that’s right…” Yuki looked around, and grabbed a small knapsack in the corner that he kept some of his things in. He started to dig around the bottom. “Now, if I give this to you, you gotta be really good with it, promise?”

“Promise!”

Yuki glanced back at Jun. “I mean it, it’s really important.”

Jun gave a vigorous nod. “I super promise!”

“Alright, close your eyes and hold out your hand,” Yuki said.

Jun snapped his eyes shut and held out his hand.

“No peeking.”

Jun covered his eyes with his other hand.

Yuki held out his hand over Jun’s, and let the locket and its chain spool onto Jun’s hand. “Okay, you can open your eyes.”

Jun opened his eyes and brought his hand up to see the necklace. “Ohh! It’s… what is it?”

“It’s a necklace, dummy,” Yuki said, smirking.

“Oh! Um.” Jun held up the necklace by the chain, watching the locket turn and sparkle with the light from the doorway. “What’s it do?”

Yuki laughed. “It doesn’t do anything, it’s just something you wear. Here.” He sidled over to Jun and took the necklace back, and put the chain over Jun’s neck. The chain was so long that the locket sat almost in Jun’s lap. “Uh, hold on.” He looped the chain back around again, and the locket rose to Jun’s chest.

Jun looked down and took the locket in his hands, tracing the patterns on the front. “It’s pretty,” he said.

Yuki sat back. “I got that for Mom a long time ago.”

Jun’s head snapped up. “For Mom? This was Mom’s?!”

Yuki nodded. “So you know it’s really important, right?”

Jun looked back down at the locket in awe. He turned it around in his hand, and his brows furrowed at the latch. “Does it open?”

“Oh, uh, I haven’t… wait, Jun!” Yuki said, holding out his hand, but it was too late; Jun fiddled with the latch and the locket popped open.

Jun stared at the inside of the locket, and turned it towards Yuki. “Who’s that?” he said, pointing inside the locket.

Yuki moved closer, and squinted at the two small photos inside. The pictures were a bit faded and rough around the edges. One was a picture of a small boy grinning up at the camera; the other was of a young man turned slightly away from the camera and giving the picture-taker a small smile.

Yuki felt like he’d been dunked in ice water. He pulled the locket closer, and dropped it down for both of them to see. “Well, that’s me, when I was littler,” he said, pointing at the picture of the boy.

“Huh? Really?” Jun said, turning his head to see the picture. “Heh, you look funny!”

“Not any funnier than you,” Yuki said, and reached out to ruffle Jun’s hair. Jun squeaked with indignation and shoved Yuki’s hand off of him.

“Who’s that?” Jun said, pointing at the other picture.

Yuki stared at it, hesitating. “That’s… Dad.”

“Dad?” Jun said, staring at it.

Yuki brushed his hand over the photo. The man in the photo looked both familiar, and not at the same time. He recognized his own features in the man more than the man himself. “Yeah, but… he died when I was around your age.”

Jun looked back down at the picture and frowned. “Oh…” There was a heavy silence as they both stared at the locket. “Big Brother… where’s my dad?”

Yuki glanced at Jun, and looked away. “I told you already, Jun… he’s gone.”

Jun stared at Yuki, who refused to meet his gaze. He looked back down at the locket, and snapped it closed. He traced his finger around the pattern on the front again. “And Mom is gone, too?”

Yuki felt a lump forming in his throat. “That’s right.”

“Oh.” Jun glanced up at Yuki again, watching Yuki’s eyes start to water in the dim light. He got up and shuffled next to Yuki until they were sitting side by side. “Can you tell me about Mom again?”

Yuki scrubbed at his eyes with the back of his hand. “What do you want to know?”

“Like, um… was she pretty?”

Yuki laughed. “Yeah, really pretty.”

Jun stretched his legs out and rocked his feet back and forth, as he turned the locket around in his hand. “Was she smart and brave, like you?”

Yuki blushed. “Uh… I guess so…”

Jun set his head against Yuki’s arm. “And… and she loved us, right?”

Yuki stared down at the top of Jun’s head, and wrapped an arm around his shoulder. “That’s right.” He glanced down at the locket. “Until the very end.”

The locket spun below her neck as Tsubaki reached forward to dab a piece of gauze on Yuki’s cheek, and the boy instinctively recoiled from the pain.

Tsubaki frowned. “Hold still, Yuki,” she said.

Yuki dodged another swipe at his cheek. “But it  _ hurts _ ,” he whined.

“It’ll hurt more if it gets infected. Now hold  _ still _ .” She seized the top of Yuki’s head with her left hand and pressed the alcohol-soaked gauze to the scrape on Yuki’s cheek with her right.

“Ow ow ow ow,” Yuki hissed to himself, but didn’t move.

“I did tell you to stay away from him, didn’t I,” Tsubaki said with a sigh, glancing at the red splotch on the back of the gauze. She replaced it with a new square of gauze.

Yuki pouted. “I know. But, he was hurting you,” he mumbled.

Tsubaki took Yuki’s hand and placed it on his cheek to hold the gauze in place, then started to rummage through the first aid kit. “And how does it help me if you get hurt, too?”

Yuki looked away, silently working his jaw as Tsubaki pulled out a roll of tape and started tearing it into strips. “Why can’t we just leave? Why do we have to stay here?”

Tsubaki taped down the edges of the gauze, and leaned back to examine her work. “I told you, Yuki, it’s too dangerous,” she said in a low voice.

“It’s too dangerous  _ here _ .” Yuki brushed his hands against the gauze on his cheek, and winced. “What about the baby?”

“The baby will be fine.” Tsubaki put away the rest of the first aid supplies into the kit and pushed the box away with a sigh. “You’ll see. We’ll manage,” she said, and tried to give him a reassuring smile.

Yuki frowned. “If Ryuu were here…”

“But he’s not,” Tsubaki snapped, and Yuki recoiled a bit. Tsubaki looked away. “He’s not. He’s not here.” She glanced aside at the futon. “For once, I think I’m glad he isn’t. What would he say if he saw me now? Would he still love me?” She trailed off in thought, absent-mindedly brushing her stomach with one hand, and clutching the locket with the other.

Yuki stared at her. “Why not?”

Tsubaki looked back at him in surprise, as if she’d forgotten he was sitting there. She smiled. “You still love me, don’t you, Yuki?”

Yuki gave a fervent nod, and Tsubaki reached out to pull him close. Yuki put his arms around her, listening to her breath, feeling the beat of her heart against his chest and her warmth enveloping him. For a moment, he forgot about the pain. Almost.

Yuki pulled away. “Why does he hate us so much?”

Tsubaki gave a weak smile. “Who? Ashiei? Don’t be silly. He doesn’t hate you.”

Yuki raised a skeptical brow. “Then why’s he so mean?”

“Well…” Tsubaki leaned her head on her hand. Her long, disheveled hair fell alongside her. “I think he’s just sad.”

“ _ Sad?  _ About what?”

“When we lost Ryuu, we were sad, weren’t we? Because we missed him.” Yuki nodded in agreement, and Tsubaki went on. “I think, maybe, Ashiei is also sad, because we loved Ryuu and Ryuu loved us. And we can’t feel the same way about him. He’s sad and lonely, so he feels angry.”

Yuki stared at Tsubaki. “Is he in love with you?”

Tsubaki blinked, startled, and blushed. “I… well, maybe he thinks he is. But, Yuki…” She leaned forward and took Yuki’s hands, her thumbs brushing over his small fingers. “When you love someone, you feel happy when they are happy. You want the best for them. You want to protect them. You’d do anything, give anything. Everyone makes mistakes, and hurts the people they care about. But if you love someone, if you  _ really _ love someone, you would never want them to be unhappy. You wouldn’t want to hurt them on purpose. Right?” She reached out and cradled his cheek with her hand, carefully avoiding the gauze.

Yuki gave a slow nod.

Tsubaki dropped Yuki’s hand to cross her arms. “Maybe one day you’ll find someone special you love, too. But not today, okay?” She grinned. “Your mom’s not ready for you to grow up just yet.”

Yuki rummaged through the drawer of his nightstand, pushing aside an assortment of junk and bottles and wrappers. He pulled out a pocket calendar and glanced at it, his eyes roving over the advertisement at the top and the hash marks over the days. At some point, he’d just given up on counting days. Two years. Had it really been two years already? He threw the cheap calendar to the back of the drawer and slammed it closed. There was no helping it; he’d have to ask. With a sigh, he slid off the bed and headed for the door, stepping out in the hallway.

It was mid-morning, and by now the customers were all gone and many of the boys were sleeping. Yuki hadn’t seen Ashiei in several hours, and he glanced over at the empty desk by the elevator. Maybe after this, he could take a nap with Jun. The two-year-old toddler had been up half the night running around the lounge and was exceedingly cranky. Yuki grimaced, already picturing Jun’s hysterical screaming over the idea of taking a nap.

He stepped across the hall to one of the doors, glancing up at the light next to it, which was off. Yuki tapped the door with his knuckles. “Ruby-chan?” he called. He reached for the doorknob and turned it, creaking the door open. “Hey, I was wondering if I could borrow…” He peered into the darkness of the room, and froze.

Ruby wasn’t alone, but he wasn’t with a customer, either. He was lying naked on his bed with his long red hair fanned out above him, and Hiroshi was naked on top of him. Yuki had clearly interrupted something, because they were both flushed and sweating, and they both looked utterly terrified at being spotted.

For a moment the two of them just stared at Yuki while Yuki stared back, his hand still on the doorknob. After a moment, Yuki slowly started to back out of the room. “Excuse me...” he muttered, the door whining as it closed.

Yuki didn’t even have time to get all the way back into his room before someone jumped on his back. Yuki stumbled into his room, bracing himself against the wall.

“Yukio-samaaa,” Ruby sang, his arms clasped around Yuki’s neck.

“Augh! Get off!” Yuki said, flailing. “Ugh, you’re all sweaty.”

Ruby giggled and jumped off, and ran to jump on Yuki’s bed. He started to leap up and down on the disheveled sheets, his red hair tossing around him.

Yuki frowned, leaning against the bed. “Get down, now.”

Ruby let himself fall into a sitting position, crossing his legs as he bounced to a stop. “Hey, Yukio-sama…” he began.

“Nope. Whatever it is. I don’t care. Didn’t see a thing.”

Ruby scooted towards Yuki. “You’re not going to tell on us, are you?”

Yuki sat on the end of the bed with a sigh. “Why would I do that?”

“Because. You know. You’re like, the boss’…” Ruby raised his pinky finger.

“Don’t finish that sentence,” Yuki said through gritted teeth.

Ruby smirked. “No, the noble Yukio-sama is too good, too pure to be a snitch.”

“I thought I said to stop calling me that.”

“What, noble?”

Yuki put his head in his hands. “Get out of here already,” he groaned.

“I will, if you promise not to tell.”

“ _ Why _ would I tell?”

Ruby held out a hand, his fingers curled into a fist except for his pinky. “Pinky swear!”

Yuki stared at his hand. “What does that even mean?”

Ruby ignored him and grabbed Yuki’s hand, wrapping his pinky around Yuki’s and shaking it. “There, pinky swear, cross your heart, you won’t tell.”

Yuki shoved Ruby away, and the boy rolled against the bed. “ _ Out _ . Get out.”

Ruby jumped to his feet, his arms behind his back as he backstepped towards the door. “You’re not going to ask me why?”

Yuki leaned back against the bed. “Do I care?”

Ruby grinned. “It’s a secret, but I’ll tell you, Yukio-sama, because we’re  _ best  _ friends.”

“We really aren’t, though.”

Ruby ran up to the bed, and leaned down towards Yuki. His long hair tickled Yuki’s chest, and Yuki flinched. Ruby leaned in close to whisper in Yuki’s ear. “It’s because I love him,” he said.

Yuki stared at Ruby, whose face was almost as red as his hair, as the boy spun and ran back out of the room, pulling the door closed behind him. Yuki stared at the ceiling for a moment, and jumped as the door slammed back open. He blinked to see Ruby standing there.

“Here, catch,” the boy said, and tossed something at him. Yuki caught it just before it hit his face; he looked down in his hands at a couple blister packs of sleeping pills. He looked up to see Ruby stick his tongue out at him as he pulled the door shut again.

“Yukio-kun,” Hiroshi said, and Yuki looked up from his lunch mid-bite. “I wanna talk to you.”

Yuki struggled to swallow. “Now?”

Hiroshi sneered. “You busy or something?”

Yuki pushed his sandwich away. “Sure, fine, whatever.”

Hiroshi spun the chair next to Yuki’s so he could sit in it backwards, crossing his arms over the back of the chair. He looked around, but everyone else in the lounge was busy eating or chatting and not paying attention to them. He looked back to Yuki and lowered his voice. “Ruby told me he talked to you,” he said.

“Yeah, and I already told him, I’m not going to tell. I really don’t care. I don’t,” Yuki said, crossing his arms and sinking into his chair.Hiroshi frowned. “This is serious. We could get in big trouble, and you’re the last person I wanted to know.”

“Why, because you don’t trust me?”

“That, and I still don’t like you,” Hiroshi said, his lip curling. “And now I’m in the shitty position of having to beg from you. This…  _ he _ is important to me.”

Yuki glanced across the room. With his bright red hair, Ruby was always easy to spot. Tonight, he had it pinned up carefully into a bun, a cheap  _ kanzashi _ holding his hair in place. For once he was wearing clothing: a dark, low-cut tank top that showed off the fine curves of his shoulders, and a pair of jean cut-offs. He was laughing as Jun tried to tell him a story in the toddler’s limited Japanese. Though Yuki found it annoying, Ruby’s face always seemed to light up when he smiled. It wasn’t difficult to picture why Hiroshi might be interested in him.

Still, Yuki glanced back at Hiroshi. “Is he worth it?”

The blush hit Hiroshi’s face hard with ugly red splotches, and Hiroshi looked away. “O-of course,” Hiroshi muttered.Yuki sat up. “I don’t get what he sees in you at all. I think he could do better.”

Hiroshi snorted. “What, like you?”

“What are you guys talking about?” Ruby said, and Yuki and Hiroshi both jumped. He was standing next to the table, holding Jun’s hand.

“Nothing,” Yuki and Hiroshi both said at once.

“Hmm, really?” Ruby said, eyeing them suspiciously. “Jun-chan said he was hungry.”

He sat down in a chair opposite of them, letting go of Jun’s hand. The toddler ran to Yuki and climbed into his lap.

“Sammich!” Jun said, slapping the table with his hands.

“Okay, okay,” Yuki said, pulling the sandwich back and starting to tear it into pieces to hand to Jun.

Ruby leaned forward with his chin in his hand and his elbow on the table. “Hey, I just heard something interesting,” he said in a low voice.

Now that Ruby was here, Hiroshi didn’t look anywhere else. “What?” he said.

Ruby smirked. “You know Wang-sama?”

Yuki looked up, his hands freezing in the middle of tearing up a piece of bread.

Ruby rocked his head sideways. “I heard he came back from China recently,” he said.

Yuki glanced aside at Hiroshi, who was looking a bit pale. “Wang-sama…” Hiroshi mumbled.

“What, have you guys met him?” Yuki said.

Hiroshi shook his head. “No, but I’ve heard stories.”

“I’ve heard he’s a total sadistic pervert,” Ruby said, a bored expression on his face. “But how bad could he really be in comparison to the other customers?”

Impatient, Jun pulled the rest of the sandwich out of Yuki’s hands and started to rip it apart himself. Yuki wasn’t paying attention anymore, just staring at Ruby. “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he muttered. “He’s nothing like those guys.”

Ruby raised his head to glance at Yuki. “Why, have you met him, Yukio-sama?”

Yuki bit his lip and gazed down at the top of Jun’s head. “Once, a long time ago.” Yuki shook his head. “Trust me, you don’t want to meet him.”

Ruby stared at Yuki, frowning. “I bet you’re just saying that because you think he’ll like me more than you,” he said.

Yuki’s gaze snapped back up to Ruby. “Huh?!”

Ruby pushed against the table, rounding his shoulders. “After all this time, you still think you’re better than the rest of us because you’re the boss’ favorite, right?”

“What? I…”

Ruby sat up, his chair scraping against the floor. “I can be just as good as you, you know? I can be better, even.” He turned and stormed off, the loose pieces of his kanzashi chiming as he walked.

Hiroshi sprang to his feet. “Wait, Ruby!” He made to chase after him, and hesitated. He gave a small bow to Yuki that read more like a spasm. “I’m sorry, think about what I said, okay, Yukio-kun?” He turned and jogged after Ruby.

Yuki sat at the table, feeling confused.

It took about four months for Ashiei to finally catch Ruby and Hiroshi.

The only thing that surprised Yuki was that it took as long as it did. Though Hiroshi made an effort to keep a distance from Ruby and be discreet, subtlety was never Ruby’s strength. Any sober, intelligent person could tell what was going on. Ashiei was neither of those things, and he still managed to catch them at it.

It was the end of a long night, and when Yuki heard Ruby scream, he didn’t think much of it at first. It wasn’t until he heard the familiar, crass roar of Ashiei’s voice that he suspected what was going on. With heavy trepidation, he took a step out of his room into the hallway.

Ashiei was standing in the hallway outside the door of Hiroshi’s room, holding a half-naked Ruby by the wrist. Ruby was clawing at Ashiei’s hands, trying to escape. Hiroshi was hovering in the doorway, looking terrified.

Ashiei swayed, looking down at Ruby. “And where do you think you’re going, huh?” he said, pulling Ruby up by the wrist and nearly wrenching him off of his feet. “I shoulda known, you damn slut. Where are you trying to go? Huh?!” He threw Ruby at the ground, and the boy hit the floor with a loud bang that made Yuki wince and Hiroshi jump. “There’s nowhere to go! What, you thought I wouldn’t catch you, huh? Thought I was too stupid to notice?”

Yuki thought that was exactly the case, but Ruby just cringed against the floor and shook his head. Yuki glanced aside and noticed other curious and frightened faces poking out from behind doorframes all along the hall.

“No?  _ No? _ What do you mean, no?” Ashiei shouted. “You knew I’d catch you, didn’t you? You can’t just fuck whoever you want to. I tell you who to fuck! I do! So why’d you do it, huh? Why?”

Trembling from head to toe, Ruby looked up at Ashiei, and glanced at Hiroshi. He bowed his head, and though all Yuki could see was Ruby’s lips move, he must have said something, because Ashiei started to laugh hysterically.

“You ‘love him’?” Ashiei shrieked. “Hah! Hahaha! You’re whores, you don’t love anyone! It’s all fake. It’s bullshit. Admit it, it’s just not enough for you, is it? Huh? All those guys nailing your ass isn’t enough.  _ Don’t shake your head at me! _ ” Ashiei swung a kick at Ruby, who doubled up defensively. The kick caught the boy in the shins, and he squeaked with pain. “You’re filthy, you’re disgusting! No one would ever love you! Admit it!  _ Admit it! _ ” Ashiei spat. He continued to kick at Ruby, and when the boy tried to push himself away, Ashiei pulled him back by the nape of the neck and started stomping on him. Ruby screamed with fear and pain, unable to do anything except try to stay curled up with his arms over his head to protect himself.

Yuki glanced at Hiroshi, who was still standing frozen in the doorway. The boy was sweating and shaking, his eyes wide, but he didn’t move, didn’t do anything to stop Ashiei. There was a loud snap like a gunshot and Ruby gave a piercing screech that made Yuki’s ears ring. Hiroshi stumbled backwards. Yuki looked up to see that some of the other boys had stepped out of their rooms, but hadn’t gotten any closer. On the floor, Ruby was cradling one of his arms and howling in pain. Ashiei was yelling something, but it was almost impossible to hear over Ruby. The boy was a mess of tears and blood.

For a moment, Yuki was back in the doorway in that brothel in Shanghai, watching the tears stream down his mother’s face as she curled up to protect her stomach.

Ashiei raised his leg for another strike, and the next thing Yuki knew, he was on the floor next to Ashiei. The man was cursing, and Yuki’s whole left side hurt where he’d struck the floor. He had his arms around Ashiei’s waist, and Ashiei was still stunned and spluttering. “What the…?  _ Yukio! _ ” Ashiei barked.

Yuki glanced behind him at Ruby, who was staring back at him in shock, tears still streaming down his face. Ruby scrambled to his feet, pushing himself up with his good arm and running as fast as he could down the hallway and into one of the bathrooms, the lock clicking into place.

The relief of seeing Ruby escape was short-lived, because Ashiei started raining blows on Yuki instead, streaming a torrent of curses. Yuki covered his face with his arms and rolled out of Ashiei’s reach. Ashiei’s livid rage made him slower and more off balance, and Yuki took advantage of that to dodge his strikes and kick Ashiei over. The man hit the floor, and Yuki jumped to his feet and ran. He hit the other bathroom door with his shoulder and stumbled inside, kicking the door closed and fumbling to engage the lock. On the other side of the door, he heard Ashiei howling with rage. He backed away, and flinched as Ashiei beat at the doors. Finally, Ashiei stormed away, his shouts fading down the hall. Shaking, Yuki slumped to the floor. In the next room, Yuki could hear Ruby’s low moans of pain and anguish as the boy cried.

All in all, Yuki wished he’d just stayed in his room.


	9. Decay - 衰退

A loud banging noise startled Yuki awake, and his eyes snapped open to take in the blurry blue ceiling of the tent. Jun burbled in his sleep next to him. Yuki sat up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and glancing at Jun, who was curled up and drooling on Yuki’s pillow, one hand clutching the locket strung around his neck.

_ Bam.  _ Someone was tossing things around nearby. Through the rattle of wood and metal, Yuki thought he could hear the low cursing of an angry voice. Yuki’s heart began to pound in his chest, and he tried to swallow down his anxiety as he crawled towards the entrance of the tent and peered out.

It wasn’t quite morning yet, and in the darkness, it was difficult to see much more than shadows. Not far away, a bulky figure Yuki recognized as Daisuke was rummaging through his stuff, making a racket as he nearly tore his shack apart. He was keeping up a loud streak of muttering, sometimes punctuated by an angry burst as he tossed an object aside. A plastic crate sailed through the air, littering empty cans all over the concrete as it tumbled into the drainage canal.

“Where is it… where is it…” Daisuke muttered to himself. “I gotta FIND IT!” He kicked one of the cans and it skittered across the pavement towards Yuki’s tent. Daisuke’s gaze followed it up to Yuki.

In a panic, Yuki tried to pull his head back in the tent, but the damage was done. Daisuke stomped towards him.

“Yukio-kun… did I wake you up?” Daisuke said, standing in front of the tent. “I’m sorry, I… I can’t find it… can’t find it anywhere…”

Up close, Daisuke reeked of alcohol, and he was a bit unsteady on his feet. Yuki rubbed his nose. “Find what?” he asked, but he had a feeling he already knew the answer.

Daisuke swayed, fidgeting with his coat. “The pills,  _ the pills _ , I can’t find them anywhere,” he moaned. “You haven’t seen them, have you? Yukio-kun?”

He had. Yuki had snuck in Daisuke’s shack just the day before and found the old man’s stash. He’d traded away the pills for money to buy food and aspirin for Jun. Lately, Jun often complained of chest pain and was laid out by even a little bit of activity. It was getting harder and harder to make ends meet, as Daisuke took more and more of what little Yuki earned to buy painkillers on the street. It was only fair, wasn’t it, to take back what was his? Hadn’t he paid the old man back by now?

Yuki shook his head. “N-no, sorry… I haven’t seen them.”

Daisuke stood in front of the tent, swaying. He dropped down into a crouch, so he was at eye level with Yuki. He clutched at his head. “You don’t understand… I need them… it hurts, it hurts so bad…” Daisuke muttered under his breath.

Yuki leaned back. Watching Daisuke rock and mutter to himself was all too familiar. He couldn’t help shaking a little. “You don’t need that stuff, Daisuke-san… it’s just junk… it’s all in your head.”

Daisuke perked up at the sound of his name. “Junk… junk…” He looked up to stare into Yuki’s face, and the boy found himself sweating. “Hey, Yukio-kun… it’s a lie, isn’t it? You’re lying to me…”

Yuki shook his head. “No, I… I really haven’t seen it…” He inched back, away from Daisuke, but the old man just crawled forward, until his shoulders filled the opening of the tent.

“A lie… after all I’ve done for you, you ungrateful brat…” Daisuke growled. He continued to crawl on his hands and knees into the tent as Yuki shuffled backwards. “Where is it? Where is it…  _ where is it? _ ”

“I told you, I don’t have it!” Yuki said. He looked around, but he was trapped; there was no way out other than the opening, and Daisuke was blocking it. Jun was stirring from his sleep behind him. Yuki moved aside to block the boy from Daisuke’s view.

“ _ Liar! _ You’re a liar!” Daisuke shrieked, and his arm shot out to grab hold of the front of Yuki’s shirt.

Yuki cringed, bracing himself for a blow that didn’t come. He looked up, and all the blood drained out of his head, leaving him dizzy.

Jun was standing between them, his arms around Daisuke’s neck and his head buried in Daisuke’s shoulder. The old man was frozen, his face hidden by Jun, his hand still clenched onto Yuki’s shirt.

Jun leaned away and took Daisuke’s face in his hands, squishing his cheeks together. “No, Uncle! That’s bad! Bad, bad!” he said, slapping Daisuke’s cheeks.

Yuki was frozen with horror. In his half-asleep state, Jun must have mistaken Daisuke for Ashiei. Yuki broke out of Daisuke’s grip and lunged forward, pulling Jun to his chest and shielding the boy with his arms.

Daisuke swayed, staring at them. “Bad…?” he murmured.

Jun squirmed in Yuki’s grip to free an arm and point at Daisuke’s face. “Bad! You don’t hurt Brother! Bad!”

Daisuke sat back on his heels, still staring at Jun. His gaze drifted down to the slight shimmer of the locket. He turned and started to crawl back towards the opening of the tent, and stopped. “Yukio-kun,” he said over his shoulder. “I better get those pills back. Understand?”

Yuki hugged Jun closer. “I understand.”

“I can’t understand,” Ruby mumbled, staring out into the darkness at nothing.

Yuki crouched on the floor, holding a glass of water in his hand that Ruby wouldn’t touch. There was only a little light streaming from a crack in the door behind him. It was cramped in the small room, the only furniture the bare mattress covered in plastic that Ruby was lying on, staring at the opposite wall. His lower left arm was still in a cast, the bandages smudged with dirt. Ruby’s bare skin was filthy and littered with bruises and scrapes, and his ribs stuck out in his chest. His long hair was matted, and the color was fading back to its original black.

“Can’t understand what?” Yuki said, turning the glass around in his hand, watching the light glitter off of the surface of the water.

“Why didn’t he help me? Why’d he just stand there?” Ruby said.

“Who? Hiroshi? I don’t know. Maybe he was just scared.”

Ruby glanced back at Yuki. “But you weren’t?”

Yuki shrugged. “I don’t remember. My body just kinda moved on its own.”

Ruby stared at him. “He’s like that with you all the time, right? The boss.”

Yuki refused to meet Ruby’s gaze. 

Ruby looked away. “I’m sorry. For all that stuff I said. About you and the boss.”

“Whatever. I don’t care.”

“Why do you always say that? Of course you do. We may not be friends, but I’ve known you for almost three years. I can tell when you’re lying. You’re terrible at it.”

Yuki pushed the water forward, the glass scraping against the ground. “Come on, just take these already so I can go.” He reached his hand out and opened up his fingers. Two pill caplets plinked to the ground next to the glass.

Ruby glanced at the pills. “Are those…?” He gave a snort of laughter. “Really, does he think I can’t deal with it? This is nothing. I can bear it. I’m fine.” But he pushed himself up to a partial upright position, the plastic covering squeaking. He grabbed the pills and tossed them back in his throat, chasing them with a big swig of water.

Yuki started to get up. “If you’re fine, then… excuse me…” Before he could turn towards the door, Ruby reached out and grabbed Yuki’s ankle.

“Wait. Don’t go yet,” Ruby whispered, gazing down at the ground, his hair in his face. “I… I’m scared.”

Yuki sat back down, unnerved by the change in Ruby’s voice. “Scared of what?”

Ruby didn’t respond. He was shaking. When he looked up at Yuki, his eyes were filled with tears. “Do you think it’s true? What he said about me?” Ruby cradled his left arm. “That I’m disgusting? That no one will… will ever love me?”

Yuki stared at Ruby, stunned. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He closed his mouth and swallowed.

Ruby’s gaze drifted back down to the floor. “It’s true, isn’t it… heh… heh heh.” He started to snicker to himself, scrubbing the tears from his eyes. “Yukio-kun, why do you think we were born? I’ve been trying to figure it out. Did we do something wrong in another life? Are we being punished? Why are we alive, if we’re only meant to be their playthings?”

Yuki glanced aside. “I don’t know…”

Ruby giggled. “For a moment, I thought I could be happy… isn’t that funny? I thought I could be happy here… hey, you heard, right? Wang-sama asked to see me. I should be happy, right? I should be happy he noticed someone as disgusting as me…” Ruby was starting to fade as the drugs kicked in; he slid down to lay on the mattress again. He glanced back at Yuki with a wry smile. “At least in the end, I’m better than you, right?”

There was a soft knock at the door. Yuki startled and hurried to his feet, grabbing the empty water glass. As he reached for the door, he glanced behind him. Ruby was staring into space, eyes half-lidded, his lips moving as he continued to mumble to himself.

Yuki stepped out into the hall, where an unfamiliar man was waiting. Yuki gave the man a short bow of the head as he passed Yuki into the room. Yuki left the room behind and heard the door snap shut.

There was a loud snapping noise nearby and Yuki froze, squinting in the darkness around the drainage canal. The summer air was heavy and humid, and the faint stench of sewage lingered in Yuki’s nostrils. He looked around but didn’t see anyone; he strained his ears, but all he could hear was the faint trickling of the drain and the distant popping of fireworks. He turned back and ducked through the opening into the tent.

Jun was curled up with an old and battered picture book next to the light of a lantern. When Yuki came in, Jun snapped the book shut and sat up straight. “Big Brother!” he said.

Yuki tried to smile. “Got you dinner,” he said, holding out a plastic bag.

Jun pumped his fists. “Yay! What is it?”

Yuki sat down and started to rummage through the bag. “It’s, um…” He pulled out a plastic container and squinted at the label, which was mostly concealed by a large discount sticker. “Mackerel and rice?” He held out the container and a cheap pair of chopsticks to Jun.

The toddler deflated a little as he reached to take the container. “Oh.” He pried the top off and stared inside, his nose wrinkling as the strong scent of fish filled the tent.

Yuki shrugged. “All they had left.”

Jun’s tiny hand wrapped around the chopsticks. He poked at the fish with the chopsticks and used them like a shovel to scoop up the rice. He began scarfing down the food, bits of rice flying everywhere. After a moment he looked up at Yuki, mouth full. He gulped. “Where’s yours?”

Yuki gave a weak smile. “I ate while I was out.”

“Oh.” Jun stared at Yuki for a moment, and went back to eating. When he’d polished off the container, he started to pick up the rice grains one by one off the futon. There was a loud boom somewhere outside, and Jun sat bolt upright, staring at the wall. “Hey, Brother, can we go see the fireworks?”

“Uh, maybe another time, Jun.”

Jun sat back and pouted. “Why can’t I go outside?”

“I told you already, right? It’s not safe.”

“But it’s okay if you’re with me, right?” Jun wiggled his feet back and forth. “Just for five minutes?”

“No.”

“Three minutes?”

“ _ No. _ ”

“One minute?”

“Jun…”

“Okay!” Jun said, and jumped on the futon, face-planting into the pillow. “You’re so boring, Big Brother,” the boy mumbled into the pillow.

“Yeah, yeah,” Yuki sighed.

There was the sound of heavy footsteps shuffling outside the tent, and Yuki jumped. He spun to face the tent opening and reached for his back pocket, his fingertips brushing the hilt of a folded pocket knife.

“Yukio-kun, are you in there?” Daisuke’s muffled voice called from outside.

Jun lifted his head off the pillow. “Dai-kay!” he said.

Yuki shot Jun a stern look, and crawled towards the opening. “Yeah, one second,” he called back. He grabbed the plastic bag off the futon, and stepped outside.

Daisuke was standing in front of the tent, his hands in the pockets of his trousers. It was too hot for his usual coat; he was dressed in a plain t-shirt that was splattered with stains and smudged with dirt. He had the heavy, sweet smell of body odor as usual, but at the very least, he didn’t smell like alcohol. Yuki relaxed his grip on the knife.

“Did you get it?” Daisuke said.

Yuki thrust the plastic bag at the old man. “There.”

Daisuke peered inside the bag and pulled out a canister of pills, holding it up to the light of the streetlamps far above them. He tossed it up and caught it, stuffing it in his pocket. “I knew you’d come through for me,” he said, reaching out to pat Yuki’s head. Yuki dodged.

“Don’t expect any more from me,” Yuki said, crossing his arms. “We’re done from now on.”

Daisuke tilted his head and scratched at his cheek through his beard. “Oh, is that right? Guess I’ll be out pounding the streets again. Getting tough out there, huh?”

It was. Yuki could no longer scrape together enough money just through recyclables alone. The city was overrun with other vagrants like himself, and everyone was scrambling to stay alive. He’d only managed to fill a bag twice this week; the rest of the time, he’d run away and left the bag behind to avoid being attacked or killed by other garbage-collecting scavengers. That was when he could even leave the sewer; after what happened with Daisuke, Yuki was reluctant to leave Jun alone, only leaving when Daisuke was also not around. All in all, the situation wasn’t looking good. Buying the pills had used up almost everything he had left. He hadn’t eaten more than a couple rotten pieces of food he’d scrounged from the garbage in the last few days.

Daisuke looked away. “Listen, I’m sorry about what happened the other day. I don’t know what came over me.” He pulled out the pill bottle and turned it around in his hand. The pills rattled around inside as the bottle turned. “That side of me is why my wife left with my son, years and years ago, after my accident.” He shifted his weight off of his bad leg. “I guess even after all these years, I can’t shake it.” He looked up and gave Yuki a gap-toothed smile. “We’ll never be more than we are, will we?”

Yuki just stared back at him, frowning. “Just stay away from me and Jun,” he said.

Daisuke waved a dismissive hand. “Whatever you say,” he said. He turned his back on Yuki and limped away.

Yuki would always remember the last time he saw Ruby.

Standing by the elevator at the end of the hall, his hair newly re-dyed a deep crimson red, neatly combed and pinned up in a bun. He was wearing a  _ cheongsam _ dress in a bright red floral print to match his hair, and the heavy silk fabric shone as it turned in the light. A touch of foundation covered up the deep shadows under his eyes. Ruby looked up from the floor to the boys standing in the hall and gave them a reassuring smile. 

Hiroshi stood next to Yuki, his fists clenched at his side as he watched Ruby. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out; his face twisted in pain, and he turned away.

For only a moment, Ruby wavered as he looked at Hiroshi. He rubbed his arm, only recently released from the confinement of the cast. Taking a deep breath, he tossed his head and smiled again. Waving, he turned his back on them, stepping into the elevator after Ashiei.

Yuki didn’t really remember much from his early childhood, but he did remember the last time he saw his father.

Standing in the alleyway in his business jacket, the case with all his tattoo supplies clutched in his hand. He turned his back to Yuki and Tsubaki and walked away, but as he reached the end of the block, he turned to wave at them and smile.

It took over a month to get any of his father’s body back. Yuki remembered staring up at the white box containing his father’s ashes, admiring the elaborate knot on the front, stretching to try and reach the bell and incense set out in front of it. At four years old, it was too difficult to understand what the box meant. Why was Ryuu in there? How did he fit? Why didn’t he come out? Why was Tsubaki so sad? He stared up at the box, and couldn’t understand. When they interred the ashes later at the family grave, Yuki held on to Tsubaki’s hand and stared at the cold gravestone. Where did Ryuu go? Why couldn’t he stay with them? Who were the other names on the gravestone? Was Ryuu with family somewhere that Yuki hadn’t met? Tsubaki couldn’t explain it to him, she just covered her mouth and tears ran down over her hand.

Sometimes, in those moments of confusion, he hated his father. Hated him for falling apart and getting put in a box. Hated him for going somewhere Yuki couldn’t follow, to play with family he’d never met. Hated him for leaving Tsubaki alone and making her cry.

It took a while, a long while, to understand that Ryuu hadn’t gone anywhere. He wasn’t in a box, or in a stone. He was truly gone from this world. He’d never be coming home. But at least, somewhere, there was some part of him left, even if only in the form of a name carved into stone.

There was nothing left of Ruby. There was no box of ashes, no altar, no grave to visit. His body had been disposed of like trash, burned and tossed aside, with no name to it. There was nothing left. He’d never go home. He had no home to return to.

Yuki would never forget the blood-churning wail that Hiroshi made when they received the news. The boy fell to his knees screaming, and if anyone came close to him, he’d lash out. He began to beat his head against the floor, and in the end, it took two of the handlers to wrestle him to the ground and sedate him before he could hurt himself past the point of recovery.

After that, there was hardly a moment where Hiroshi wasn’t drugged. While he was sedated, he was in a sort of trance. He’d just gaze vacantly at the floor, a slight smile on his lips, and he’d do anything he was told without question. As long as he took the drugs, he could still work.

There were moments between doses where Hiroshi became lucid, and the grief would come crashing back all over again. Yuki would hear the screaming start from the other side of the wall of his room, and have to run over. Hiroshi wouldn’t let anyone else get near him to administer the drugs. As he developed a tolerance to one, they’d have to try another. Towards the end, Yuki had to figure out how to give drugs with a needle.

The last time the two of them spoke, Hiroshi was unusually docile as Yuki gave him the drugs. Hiroshi just sat on his bed and watched, his arm held out, as Yuki pulled the needle out and threw the syringe in the trash. He pressed a cotton ball to the injection site and waited. As Yuki moved to get up, Hiroshi reached out and grabbed his hand.

“Yu… Yukio-kun,” Hiroshi said, his lips barely moving.

Yuki hesitated, and sat back down on the chair next to Hiroshi’s bed.

Hiroshi blinked, struggled to focus as he looked around the room. “What’s… going on? Where am I?”

Yuki tried to pull his hand back, but Hiroshi had a firm grip. “In your room. At… at the shop,” Yuki said. How could he explain what was going on? He had no idea.

Hiroshi gazed at the floor. “The shop… the shop…” He swayed, and looked at the bed. “That’s right… that’s right, I… I’m…” He doubled over, moaning and clutching the top of his head. For a minute he just sobbed into his knees, still clutching onto Yuki’s hand so hard that Yuki’s fingers were starting to turn white.

Eventually, Hiroshi looked up at Yuki, his eyes red and swollen with tears. “Ruby, is he… he’s dead, isn’t he? He’s dead.”

Yuki hesitated, and slowly nodded.

Hiroshi’s face crumpled, and he swayed sideways, a long howl of grief squeezing out of his throat. He scrubbed at his face with his free hand and gasped for air. He threw his head back to stare at the ceiling, tears squeezing out the corners of his eyes as he struggled to regain control over his breathing. Little by little, the sobs died down and his breathing relaxed.

Hiroshi gave a deep sigh and glanced over at Yuki. He let go of Yuki’s hand and Yuki tried to shake the blood back into it. “Yukio,” Hiroshi said, “what do you want to be when you grow up?”

Yuki stared at him, stunned. The eyes staring back at him, even puffy from crying, were the clearest he’d seen in a while. He swallowed and struggled to consider Hiroshi’s question. “Uh… um… I don’t know. I guess I haven’t thought about it.”

Hiroshi gave a weak smile. “Figures. Me neither.” He looked aside, rubbing his arm where the injection site was scabbing over. “You know, Ruby thought about it. He talked about it all the time. How he was going to be a big star, be an actor or something, make TV shows. He was always thinking about who he’d be as an adult. He couldn’t wait.” Hiroshi looked back to Yuki. “He was the only one thinking about the future. And now, he’ll never get to see it. It’s not fair. It’s just not fair.” He was starting to lose his composure again, his face spasming as he fought back tears.

“Why was he ever born?” Hiroshi said, his voice breaking. “Why did he have to live like that, and die the way he did? Why is he gone, but we’re still here?”

Yuki just stared at him. It was all feeling very familiar. “I… I don’t know,” he said, because it looked like Hiroshi was waiting for an answer.

Hiroshi glanced at the floor and rubbed the back of his neck. “I was always so jealous of you two. I wanted to be just like you. Popular. Above it all. In control,” he muttered. “In the end, I wasn’t any different from the customers. I just used Ruby. When he really needed me, I was too scared to defend him. If anyone is disgusting, it’s me. It’s my fault. All my fault. If I’d stood up for him… if I’d told him not to go…”

Yuki didn’t know what to say. He just watched Hiroshi rub the tears from his eyes and sniffle. Hiroshi suddenly looked up, and Yuki startled.

“Yukio. You helped him, right? You stepped in when I couldn’t.” Hiroshi leaned forward. “Do you think you can help me, too?”

Yuki leaned away. “Help… help you with what?”

Hiroshi swayed. “I can’t… can’t do this anymore. It’s like I’m barely alive.” He scratched at the scab on his arm. “I can already feel it taking over again… I don’t want it… I don’t want it,” he moaned. He looked back to Yuki. “Please, I don’t want to wake up. I don’t want to wake up again. You have to help me. Please.”

Yuki stood up, and backed away, shaking his head. “I… I can’t.”

Hiroshi’s face twisted in agony again. “Please, Yukio…  _ Yukio! _ Help me!” he groaned, and started to wail again. He fell sideways on the bed. “Help…” He started shaking, clutching his head and kicking his legs, thrashing back and forth. Yuki backed up against the wall, unable to look away. After a moment, Hiroshi abruptly stopped moving, his limbs falling weakly to the bed. Drool was leaking out of the corner of his mouth, and his eyes had the glassy look that Yuki was familiar with, that meant the drugs had taken over. His chest rose and fell at a steady, even pace, but otherwise, he was like a doll. In that moment, there was nothing left of the Hiroshi that Ruby had known.

Yuki turned his back and walked away. 


	10. Fear - 恐怖

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for this chapter in particular.

Yuki always walked the streets of the immigrant district with his head down. It was easier not to be noticed when you didn’t meet anyone’s eye, and there were plenty of people he’d rather not notice him. To most, he was just another dirty, starving street urchin who stank of trash and sewage. To some, he might look like an easy target.

Even late at night, downtown was always busy, and tonight was no exception. As he waited to cross the street at a busy intersection, he risked looking up to glance at the glow of shop signs in a myriad of colors, at the bright gleam of screens flashing advertisements over the crowded streets. The street was a roar of noise, of cars blazing past, of people talking and shouting, of the crossing light chirping. Yuki got swept along with the crowd crossing the street, weaving around one person to the next.

There were some people who did try to be noticed. As he ducked down a narrow street lined with bars and love hotels, he passed several women in low-cut tops, short skirts, and high heels. They hung around in small groups outside the bars, approaching men as they stumbled out the doors. Yuki hurried past one girl who didn’t look much older than himself, though her heavy makeup was definitely meant to make her look older. She was laughing and swinging a purse as a red-faced man steered her towards one of the hotels. Yuki ducked his head as he passed them.

His feet could always carry him automatically back to the sewer. He reached the quieter streets of his neighborhood, walking past the long stretch of trees and street lamps lining the drainage canal. Yuki paused at the top of the stairs leading to the sewer, glancing down at the tunnel and the silhouettes of shacks below. He felt his stomach knot with dread when he saw the light of a lantern glowing from within his tent.

He was coming back empty-handed. Yuki had stayed out as late as he could scoping out dumpsters looking for food, but in the end, he hadn’t found anything worth salvaging. He was getting used to ignoring his stomach growling, but it was going to be another night listening to Jun cry himself to sleep from hunger.

He was so absorbed in the dread of the thought that he didn’t notice the echo of Jun’s cries until they peaked into a shrill scream. Yuki’s heart leapt into his throat as he hurtled down the stairs. Jun screamed again, and Yuki ran as fast as he could, fumbling to pull the knife from his pocket. He dove inside the tent, the unfolded knife in his hand.

The lantern was lying sideways on the floor, the glass shattered and the light flickering. Daisuke was in the middle of the tent, and the long shadow cast by the lantern made him seem huge in the small space. Jun was in front of him, crying and struggling to get away. Yuki wasn’t sure what was holding him in place at first, until he saw the thin glimmer of the locket chain around Jun’s neck. Daisuke was tugging on it, and Jun was putting everything his tiny body had into trying to pull the chain back.

“Give it to me already!” Daisuke snarled, giving the chain a vicious yank.

Jun yelped with pain and clawed at Daisuke’s hand, shaking his head. The boy was pale and sweating, and his legs shook as he struggled to stay upright.

“Let him go!” Yuki shouted, brandishing the knife.

Daisuke sat up at the sound of Yuki’s voice, and looked over his shoulder. His eyes darted between Yuki and the knife. Even in the dim light, Yuki could tell Daisuke was in bad shape. His eyes were completely bloodshot, and he was sweating through his clothes. The old man wheezed when he breathed, and his whole body trembled as he let go of the chain. Jun fell back against the futon. “Yukio… kun?” Daisuke said. He turned a little to face Yuki. The old man tried to smile, but it was as if half his face had forgotten how to. “Just the one I was looking for… have you got any more for me?”

“I told you already, old man, I’m not getting any more,” Yuki said. His eyes flicked over to Jun, who was crawling away from Daisuke.

Daisuke’s face crumpled. “Come on, you gotta help me… wait, why are you holding up that knife for? Huh?”

Yuki adjusted his grip on the knife. It was a small blade and wouldn’t do much damage, but it was all he had. “Get. Out,” he said.

Daisuke held up his hands. “We’re friends, aren’t we? Right? Yukio?”

Jun made it past Daisuke and ran to Yuki’s side. He clung onto Yuki, shaking from head to toe. Yuki pushed the toddler away. “Go, run, I’ll come find you,” Yuki whispered to him.

Jun stepped back. “But—”

“_ Go! _”

Jun turned and pushed past the flap covering the entrance to the tent, his bare feet slapping against the concrete as he ran away.

Yuki was so busy making sure that Jun escaped that he didn’t notice that Daisuke had moved until he saw the shadows flicker out of the corner of his eye. Strong hands grabbed his arm holding the knife and twisted his wrist. Yuki hissed in pain as his fingers uncurled from the knife handle and Daisuke ripped the knife away.

“Didn’t your mother tell you not to pay with knives, kid?” Daisuke said, tossing it aside. “You could hurt somebody.”

Yuki rubbed his sore wrist and glared at Daisuke. “That was the idea.”

Daisuke sighed. “I wasn’t trying to hurt the little guy, I just wanted the necklace.”

“Why, so you can sell it for more drugs? It’s probably not even worth anything.”

“Maybe, but won’t know that ‘til I try, huh?” Daisuke said, shrugging.

Yuki edged away from Daisuke. “What do you want from us? I already told you that I can’t help you anymore.”

Daisuke rubbed the back of his neck. “You don’t understand… you can’t… I haven’t had a pill in days,” he muttered. “It’s making me crazy. I itch all over. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. Everything hurts so bad. My whole body’s on fire.” He started breathing faster. “If I don’t get another one… I’m going to go insane… I’m going to die… don’t you get it? _ Don’t you get it?! _”

Yuki turned to run away, and Daisuke grabbed him by the waistband of his pants. Yuki stumbled and fell sideways. He kicked at Daisuke. “Let go of me!”

Daisuke weathered the kicks. The lantern was behind him, and Yuki could barely see his face. “Tell me something, Yukio,” the man said, and Yuki froze. “Ever since I met you, you won’t let me touch you. You won’t bathe around me. You won’t be alone with me. Why is that?” Daisuke tugged on Yuki’s pants, dragging him closer. “You’ve been hiding something from me, and I think I know what it is.”

Yuki looked up into the shadows of Daisuke’s face in terror.

Daisuke leaned closer. “There is a way you can get the money, isn’t there?” he said.

Yuki knew that look. He’d seen it hundreds of times before.

Whenever Ashiei looked at him like that, Yuki had a routine he followed. He’d put Jun in front of the TV in the living room and crank up the volume. If Yuki was lucky, he’d be back to get Jun before the program ended. If he wasn’t lucky, Jun would start crying when the news came on and, eventually, fall asleep in front of the TV.

Some of the TV programs Yuki had never seen, but he could recognize the way they sounded muffled through the wall in the bedroom. While Ashiei used him, he let his mind drift, trying to follow the plot through sound alone.

Today it was an old drama about two average office workers. One was madly in love with the other, but he hadn’t built up the courage to confess. In this episode, the woman had just found out her husband was cheating on her, and ran crying to her co-worker for comfort.

Jun hated dramas. Yuki could hear the toddler banging around in the living room as he dug through the garbage and knocked things over, throwing a small tantrum. From the floor in the bedroom, there wasn’t much Yuki could do about it, except make a mental note of what to clean up later.

“How could he do this to me?” the woman on TV was sobbing.

_ Bang_. A stack of magazines hit the wall.

“How can I ever trust anyone again?” the woman continued.

Jun squealed in frustration and his footsteps stomped towards the kitchen. _ Bam. Bam. _ He was opening and slamming the cupboard doors shut.

“Actually, Sachiko-san, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you,” the man on TV was saying. “I—"

At a certain point, it was always difficult for Yuki to keep his focus on anything other than what was happening to him. Everything just blurred out.

He came to sweating and shaking on his back on Ashiei’s futon. Ashiei pulled back, panting. He tied off a used condom and lobbed it at a small trash can. He missed.

“Shit,” Ashiei muttered, and shuffled over to pick it up.

The sound was drifting back into Yuki’s consciousness. He strained his ears, but all he could hear from the other room was the muffled chatter of commercials. When had he blacked out? Was the episode over already?

Ashiei was lighting up a cigarette. He’d taken up the habit recently to try to fit in with some of his co-workers, but it wasn’t quite sticking. He took a deep drag and coughed, smoke puffing out of his nose. He snapped the metal lighter shut and tossed it aside.

Yuki pulled a sheet towards him to cover himself and dab the sweat from his eyes. As the commercials ended and the opening theme of the afternoon news kicked in, Yuki felt a vague sense of disappointment. Realizing he was disappointed to not know what happened in the drama struck him as so absurd that he couldn’t help giving a snort of laughter.

Ashiei looked over at Yuki, clutching an ashtray. “What’s so funny?”

Yuki buried his face in the sheet and shook his head.

“Don’t got anything to say all of a sudden, huh?” Ashiei coughed again. “You were pretty chatty a minute ago. Where’d you learn to make those noises?” Ashiei tossed the ashtray down, and it rattled as it hit the floor. “Probably from the redhead, right? He was always a squeaky one.” Ashiei gave a derisive snort. “Now that I think about it, he was probably fucking you too, wasn’t he?”

Yuki looked up over the sheet, frowning. “What happened to Ruby, anyway? Why’d Wang kill him?”

Ashiei glanced at Yuki out of the corner of his eye and looked away, taking another drag on the cigarette. He gave a long sigh and shrugged. “Why’s Wang do anything he does? Maybe you can ask him yourself.” He flicked the crumbling ash off the end of the cigarette into the tray. “He wants to see you.”

The room tilted sideways, and Yuki had to fight to keep from tumbling back down into the blurry darkness. His mouth had gone dry, and it was difficult to pry his tongue from the roof of his mouth. When he did, all he could manage to say was, “What? Why?”

Ashiei wouldn’t look at him. He was deliberately staring at the closet. “Said he wants to see you,” he repeated. “Didn’t ask why. I did promise him I’d bring you by sometime. Tried to get out of it, thought throwing him a bone might keep him busy. But he’s like a little baby with his toys. Only wants what he wants and nothing else.”

Yuki was drawn back to the moment Wang took Ashiei’s hand and pulled him close, whispering in Ashiei’s ear. Ashiei’s eyes darted over to him.

Yuki pulled his knees to his chest. “Oh,” was all he could think to say. Of course. He should have known.

Ashiei stubbed out the cigarette in the tray, the smoke curling up in small wisps towards the ceiling. He turned back to stare at Yuki.

“Sounds like the brat finally calmed down,” he said.

Yuki glanced up at Ashiei. The room was slowly shifting backwards.

Ashiei leaned towards him. “Why don’t I take another shot at you before I give you to Wang, huh?”

Ashiei was giving him that look, and it definitely was not one of Yuki’s luckier days.

In the grip of paralyzing fear, he couldn’t be sure if the face staring back at him was Ashiei or Daisuke.

“_Get away from me! _” Yuki shrieked, and aimed a blind kick at Daisuke, catching him in the stomach. The old man doubled over as the breath wheezed out of his lungs. The hand holding onto his waistband withdrew, and Yuki didn’t think twice; he pulled himself out of Daisuke’s reach and ran for it, tumbling out of the tent and into the humid night air.

This time of year, there was no one else staying in the sewers, and all the shacks were dark and falling apart. He stood in the entrance of the tunnel for a moment, trying to think of where Jun might have gone. The panic and the urge to run were so great he could barely put two thoughts together.

Amidst the quiet trickling of the sewer and Daisuke swearing and fumbling around in the tent, there was a soft whining sound echoing off the tunnel walls. Yuki ran into the tunnel, trying to pinpoint the source of the sound. He leapt over the canal and darted down a side tunnel. He skidded to a halt.

Jun was crouched against the wall, clutching the top of his head and whining. When he heard Yuki approach he jumped and crawled backwards, until he saw who it was. “Big Brother!” he said, and burst into tears.

Yuki hurried forward to scoop up Jun. “Shh, it’s okay, you’re okay,” he whispered, rubbing Jun’s back as he stood up and turned towards the main tunnel. There was no other way out except to go back the way they’d come in; Yuki started to run, his footsteps echoing off the tunnel walls.

As they approached the entrance, Yuki saw Daisuke standing on the other side of the canal waiting. Yuki ran faster.

“Wait, Yukio!” Daisuke said as they came closer. He was staggering and holding his gut. “I’m sorry, just wait a second—”

Yuki ducked his head and ran past. He nearly fell climbing the stairs and Jun squeaked in surprise. He skinned the palm of his hand a bit breaking his fall but he barely noticed; he just kept running.

Somewhere behind him, he heard a long howl of frustration and grief echoing up the canal into the streets above.

It was starting to rain, and by the time Yuki finally sank to his knees in a closed subway entrance, out of breath, he and Jun were both completely soaked. He sat bent over on the ground, panting and dry heaving.

Jun shook himself off and peeled off his wet shirt. The locket was still around his neck, the chain shimmering aside angry red welts wrapping around the boy’s neck. Yuki looked at them and felt a pang of guilt and raw anger roil in his gut.

“Are you okay, Jun?” Yuki said, after he’d had a moment to catch his breath.

Jun pawed at the locket, and winced as he brushed the red marks around his neck. He nodded. “Big Brother… is Dai-kay bad?”

Yuki sat up, hesitating. “He’s… he’s really sick right now.”

“Oh.” Jun sat on the ground and balled his wet shirt together, dribbling water. “Will he get better? We can go home?”

“I don’t know. I think we should just… give him some space for now,” Yuki said. He settled against the wall with a sigh, utterly exhausted.

Jun tottered forward and sat on Yuki’s lap. He reached around Yuki’s waist as far as his little arms could and buried his face in Yuki’s chest. Yuki cradled the back of Jun’s head and realized they were both shaking. Jun started to quietly cry again, and Yuki had to bite back tears himself. The rain continued to pour out in the alleyway.

Yuki watched the rain falling outside the window looking down onto the city. A part of him was completely terrified, but he wouldn’t let himself cry; he just watched the rain stream down the window and let it lull him into a trance.

Like his office in Shanghai, Wang had a nice modern condo high above the filth of the immigrant district. The distant lights sparkled off the rain on the enormous floor-to-ceiling windows. Yuki reached a hand out to trace the path of a raindrop down the glass.

A door snapped shut behind him, and Yuki jumped, startling out of his trance. He glanced behind him across the bedroom, where Wang stood in front of the door. He was dressed in a heavy white robe, and he was carrying a wine glass. When he saw Yuki at the window, his lips curled into a smirk.

“Ah, if it isn’t Yukio Sanada,” Wang said as he stepped across the room. “It’s been a long time. Three years, hasn’t it?” There was a couple of plush chairs clustered around a small round table near Yuki. A silver tray sat on the table, piled with an arrangement of hors d’oeuvres. Wang sat down in one of the chairs, keeping his gaze on Yuki, but careful not to spill any of the red wine.

Yuki turned his back to the window, leaning against the glass, trying to bring his racing heart under control. He glanced at the door, but he knew there were guards waiting out there.

Wang just sat and sipped at his wine, his eyes roving up and down Yuki. “You’ve certainly grown a bit, but I see your taste in fashion hasn’t changed much.”

Yuki had refused to wear anything special for the occasion. Just picturing Ruby in that beautiful red dress made Yuki feel sick. He was wearing his usual tattered shirt and pants that he wore outside of work. His bare toes curled on the ornate carpet lining the floor. 

Wang raised an eyebrow. “Well? Sit down,” he said, waving at the opposite chair.

Yuki obeyed the command without thinking, his legs trembling a bit as he walked towards the chair and sat down. He pulled his feet off the floor and onto the edge of the chair, wrapping his arms around his legs.

Wang just watched him with the same amused smirk on his face. He leaned forward to set the wine glass on the table. “I see you haven’t touched any of the food. Aren’t you hungry?”

Yuki gave the food a dubious glance. It was a spread of Chinese junk food clearly chosen more for Yuki’s tastes. He looked away and shook his head.

“No? Hmm.” Wang selected a dumpling from the tray and popped it into his mouth. He leaned back in his chair, cleaning his hands with a cloth napkin. “Oh, that’s right,” Wang said after he’d finished chewing. “Ashiei told me about that drugging incident. Don’t worry. I don’t resort to such cheap tricks.” He picked the wine glass up off the table. “If it makes you feel any better, I had that man… _ taken care of _, after that incident.”

It didn’t make Yuki feel any better. He stared at Wang and just felt terrified all over again. There was a bit of a stain on Wang’s lips from the wine that looked suspiciously like blood.

For a moment Wang just watched Yuki shaking in his chair. “So, how has work been going?” he threw out conversationally. “You look healthy enough so Ashiei must be feeding you at least. Is the shop treating you well? I’ve heard a lot of good things from your clients.” He took another sip of the wine. “I’ve seen your tapes.”

Yuki felt his face burning as he hid behind his knees, still keeping a wary eye on Wang.

Wang chuckled. “Maybe Ashiei was right about you, maybe it is the breeding,” he said. “It’s a shame, I think I liked you better when you bit my hand.”

Amidst the wash of fear, Yuki was starting to feel a prickle of rage as he stared at Wang.

Wang crossed his legs as he settled into the chair, continuing to sip at the wine. “So many of them seem to be ruined by the drugs, or they turn into docile little kittens at their first taste of cock. There’s no challenge, you know? I need something to conquer. Take the redhead, for instance.”

Yuki perked up at the mention of Ruby, lifting his head above his knees a bit.

Wang was expecting this, and he gave a satisfied grin as he continued like he hadn’t noticed. “I heard about his little… _ affair _ with one of the other boys. It was exciting to hear. Going behind the handlers’ backs all that time, without anyone noticing. What nerve. I had to see him.” He lowered the mostly empty wine glass, swirling the remnants around the glass with a slight frown on his face. “And then… what a disappointment. All that spark, just gone. He was ruined, utterly ruined. What a waste. What a shame.”

The question popped into Yuki’s head again, and he willed himself not to ask… he didn’t want to know…

“You’re probably wondering why I killed him, right?” Wang said, and Yuki flinched. Wang drained the wine glass and set it on the table, the glass clinking on the silver tray. Wang settled back in the chair, leaning casually on one arm. “Tell me, Yukio, have you ever watched someone die before?”

Yuki immediately saw his mother holding out her hand to him from her sickbed, saw her lips move soundlessly as she sank back into the void and the breath left her body.

“You have, haven’t you. It’s truly beautiful, isn’t it? To see the light leave their eyes, to hear the breath drawn from their body. Have you ever killed someone with your bare hands? I don’t expect so. It’s exhilarating.” Wang sat up a little straighter, his eyes alive with a hunger that made Yuki cringe backwards in his seat. “That’s a true fight, a fight for one’s life. In their last moments, a person will cling to life with everything they have. You see everything of a person when you take their soul into your hands. They’ll scream for their loved ones. They’ll wet themselves in terror. In the end, even the strongest man will wail for his life.”

Yuki wanted to jump up and run away, but found he was rooted to the spot by Wang’s gaze.

Wang went on. “Why does the farmer raise cattle just to slaughter them with his own hands? Why does the hunter track down prey in the forest when he can get meat from the farmer? It’s sport. It’s the rush of snuffing out the life of something completely within your power. There’s no greater pleasure. Don’t you think so?” Wang smiled, and leaned forward to select another dumpling from the tray. “Well, maybe you don’t.”

Yuki felt light-headed with fear and rage. Watching Wang chew on the dumpling, completely unperturbed by anything he’d just said, just made Yuki feel more ill. Why was a man like this alive? How could he sit there and draw breath?

“I’ll admit, it did amuse me to see the redhead beg for his life,” Wang said, tenting his hands thoughtfully. “He was so confused, at first. It was cute. He thought there must be some sort of mistake. It’s funny, isn’t it?” He stretched his arms. “His screams as I took him apart piece by piece were so exquisite. The blood went quite well with his hair, I think. He was screaming for someone or other. Maybe that boy?” Wang shrugged. “At least in the end, he could entertain me a bit more than just being a good fuck, hmm?” He looked at Yuki and smiled.

The blood was pumping in Yuki’s head so hard and loud that he could barely hear anything but his own heartbeat. His teeth were clenched so tightly his whole face hurt. Why? Why? _ Why? _ Wang was saying something, but Yuki couldn’t hear him anymore. Why was a man like this allowed to live? Why did Ruby have to die that way? To a man like this? Why? _ Why? _ Yuki’s eyes strayed to a silver knife glittering in the dim light on the tray. Every muscle in his body tensed as he flicked his gaze back to Wang, to the sneer stretching across the man’s face as he continued to talk.

Yuki leapt out of the chair across the table, kicking the tray aside as he grabbed the knife. Wang blinked in surprise as Yuki lunged straight at him, plunging the knife down towards Wang’s neck.

The moment of surprise was short-lived. Wang stopped the knife just before it reached his neck, wrapping his hand around the blade. Despite looking somewhat delicate, Wang was many times stronger than Yuki. Even with all of Yuki’s weight behind the knife, it didn’t budge.

“Oh, _that’s _ more like it!” Wang said, an ecstatic grin on his face. “I was wondering when you’d wake up. So, are you going to kill me?” He clenched his hand around the blade of the knife. A trickle of blood flowed down the handle, and Yuki let go of it in alarm.

Wang gave a dismissive wave with his free hand, and Yuki heard a door slam shut off to his right. Startled, Yuki turned to look, and Wang took advantage of the moment to shove Yuki off of his lap. Yuki reeled backwards and the small table caught the back of his knees. He tripped and slammed into the table with his back, and in a second, Wang was on top of him, pressing the blade of the small knife to his throat. Yuki froze, fear overtaking the rage again.

“You’re too weak, Yukio,” Wang said. “You know that, don’t you? You’ll never have what it takes to kill anyone. You’ll never know what it’s like.” He pressed a little harder with the knife, and Yuki felt the cold metal crease his skin. “It’s not anything personal, you know. You’re just prey.”

Yuki could feel himself shaking, but he glared back. “If you’re going to kill me, just do it,” he said through gritted teeth. 

Wang froze, stunned. He started to laugh. “You’re not the first person to say so, but I wonder if that’s how you really feel?”

Yuki reached out to grab Wang’s hand. Wang just watched in amused fascination as Yuki’s fingers settled around his and began to pull. The blade bit into the flesh, and Yuki felt a shock of pain as his skin yielded to the knife and hot blood began to bubble out of the wound. His heartbeat pounded in his neck, and Yuki felt the panic of an imminent death fighting with a crushing desire to end everything.

Wang ripped the knife away, shaking off Yuki’s hand, before it could do anything other than draw a small red line of blood. He stared down at Yuki, no longer smiling. “Eager to embrace death? How boring,” he said with a sigh. He tossed the knife across the room, where it clattered against the floor. Pulling a cloth napkin off the table, he wiped the blood from his hand, putting pressure on the cut on his palm. “I was really hoping you might be a little more entertaining.”

“Sorry to disappoint you,” Yuki said without sincerity.

Wang smirked. “Are you really ready to go so soon? Don’t you have anything left to fight for?” He leaned back, but didn’t take his weight off of Yuki, so the boy was kept pinned to the table. “Wasn’t there something… oh, that’s right. Wasn’t there a baby? Your brother, right?”

Yuki felt his body go cold and the hairs on his neck stand on end. The little line of blood on his neck was stinging.

“Personally, I’m surprised that Ashiei hasn’t tossed the thing out of a window yet, or traded it for alcohol,” Wang said with a frown. He threw the bloody napkin aside. “But, maybe he has good instincts. ‘Breeding,’ was it? You two share a mother, right? The whore?” Wang leaned back down, his hands wrapping around Yuki’s upper arms. “What do you think, will the baby have any of her talents? Personally, I’d love to see one of those videos with the both of you in it. The look on your face as man after man takes your baby brother… I think I’d like to see that.”

Yuki struggled and thrashed to get at Wang, but his arms and legs were pinned. He couldn’t help crying out with rage and frustration. Wang just chuckled, his fingers digging into Yuki’s arms.

“That’s better, much better. See? I don’t think you’re ready to go just yet,” Wang said with a satisfied smirk. “You know, I have an idea.” He let go of one of Yuki’s arms, and let his hand drift down Yuki’s stomach. “Let’s see what your body thinks, shall we?”

Yuki instinctively froze at the pressure of Wang’s hand on his waist. In a few practiced moves, Wang popped the button on Yuki’s pants and slid his hand into Yuki’s underwear.

Rage and disgust were clashing with a practiced training to hold still. Yuki lashed out weakly with his free hand and groaned in protest, but Wang just shrugged Yuki’s hand away. Wang’s hands were stroking him, and against his will, Yuki’s body was responding. Pleasure was filtering in through the fear and disgust, spreading heat across his skin and a relaxing numbness through his chest and legs.

Yuki pushed against Wang’s shoulder, but the man barely moved. “_No, stop… stop it _,” he whined.

“Really? Do you really want me to stop?” Wang said in a low voice. “Doesn’t feel like it to me. It feels good, right?”

Yuki shook his head, but it did. The fear, the stinging pain on his neck, and the pressure of Wang’s body on top of him, only seemed to make the pleasure more intense and harder to ignore.

Usually around now was when he’d get pulled into that numbing, blurry black place, but so far, nothing was happening. Yuki felt more and more panicked. Why? Why when he actually needed it could he not just fade away? Why couldn’t he escape? Why?

The pleasure was getting stronger, and the panic was just making it feel sharper. He was sweating and trembling, and he couldn’t help panting out loud like he’d been trained to do. Rage, confusion, panic, and desire were at war in Yuki’s head, and all he knew was that he was losing. His back arched off the table as his body yearned for the increasing friction, even as his mind screamed at him to pull away. Feeling Yuki’s need, Wang moved faster.

All the thoughts in Yuki’s head were being driven out by the sensations in his body. Unable to fight, unable to run away, he let himself get carried away by the current of ecstasy threatening to overtake him and… gave up.

In a few jerks the wave crested, and Yuki cried out as his stomach clenched and his fingers dug into Wang’s shoulder.

Wang just watched Yuki panting against the table as the good feelings drained away. He pulled his hand out of Yuki’s pants and examined it. Yuki glanced at it and felt his body tense when he saw something white covering Wang’s hand.

Wang was playing with it and turning his hand around with a bored look. When he saw the shock and horror on Yuki’s face, he tilted his head in amusement. “Oh? Is that the first time your body’s done that?” Yuki didn’t respond, but the answer was clear from the red flush on Yuki’s cheeks. “You’re becoming a big boy now, huh?” 

Yuki squirmed to get away, and Wang obligingly leaned off of him to let him escape. Yuki jumped back into his chair, shaking from head to toe, curling into a tight ball. Out of the corner of his eye he saw something red, and glanced at his right arm to see a smudge of Wang’s blood on his skin. Desperate to try to wipe it off, his nails dug into his skin and left long scratches through the blood smears. He was so overcome with pain and disgust and exhaustion that he had to grab one of the bowls that fell on the floor and puke into it.

Wang sat back and grabbed the discarded napkin off the floor, rubbing the remnants off his hand. “Well, I think your body’s telling you it’s not ready to die yet, isn’t it?” He got up and collapsed in his own chair with a sigh. He watched Yuki clutch the bowl and shake, refusing to meet Wang’s gaze. “There’s no reason to be afraid. It feels good, right? There’s nothing wrong with using your body, Yukio. It’s something that makes you and others happy, isn’t it?”

Yuki glanced at Wang, the nausea subsiding a bit. “H… happy?” he said. “Really?”

_ Tsubaki reached out to him from her sickbed, the locket around her neck, her eyes half lidded. “Yuki,” she said. “Be happy.” _

“That’s right.” Wang leaned on the arm of the chair. “So I’m going to need you to keep living and make _ me _ happy in the future, too. Okay, Yukio?”

Of all the times in the past that Yuki had longed for, prayed for death, he’d never really known what it was to crave oblivion until that moment.

"Okay,” Yuki said.


	11. Death - 死亡

Yuki thought about death all the time. If it hurt, what it felt like. What happened afterwards. Was it like falling asleep and never waking up? Did you dream in death?

Watching Jun fade as he failed again and again to bring back food, death had never felt so close. The boy was barely engaged in anything going on around him. He stopped playing, stopped laughing. They’d sit in the shade of a tree at the park all day long napping off and on, Jun in Yuki’s lap, his head on Yuki’s chest. Sometimes Jun would murmur in his sleep, speaking nonsense, talking to people that weren’t there. Yuki could only see his mother lying in bed, her head turned away as she engaged her dead husband in conversation. In the doorway of death, did they see something he didn’t? Why were they fading away around him while his body stubbornly held on, clinging to life? What were they holding on for?

A few weeks after they’d run from Daisuke, Yuki risked heading back to the soup kitchen under the train line to get something to eat. After days of picking scraps out of the garbage, the few items of food they offered were like a feast, and Yuki ate his portion in a second. It was harder to get Jun to eat; he slept in Yuki’s arm drooling on his shoulder the whole time, and could barely be roused to eat a few bites of fried rice.

Yuki avoided eye contact with any of the homeless men who were there eating, but at the least, he didn’t see anyone who looked like Daisuke. While he was trying to get Jun to eat, a shadow crept over him, and he jumped in surprise. He looked up to see the same man with knobby knees and thick glasses that he’d met a year before.

“Well, if it isn’t the nephews. Long time no see,” the man said, his voice a little bit wheezy.

Yuki dipped his head in acknowledgement, but couldn’t think of anything to say. Jun was waking up and starting to shove fistfuls of rice into his mouth. He choked a moment and started coughing, and Yuki had to thump his back to help dislodge the rice from the boy’s throat.

With an excruciating amount of effort, the old man sat down next to them, a half-eaten bowl of fried rice in his hands. As he watched Jun picking rice kernels and peas out of the bottom of his own bowl, the man’s face contorted, and he pushed the half-eaten bowl towards Jun. The boy didn’t question it at all; he just grabbed the new bowl and kept eating.

The old man looked them over – the smudges of dirt and the heavy stink of unwashed bodies, their matted and oily hair, their stained clothing that hung like bags on their thin frames – and made a weird face that Yuki couldn’t discern. Was it disgust? Pity?

“Um,” Yuki said, breaking the awkward silence. “Thanks.”

The old man waved his thin hand dismissively. “It looks like he needs it more than I do.” He tilted his head and adjusted his glasses. “I’ll admit, I’m surprised to see you here. Where have you two been lately? You’re not still at the sewer?”

Yuki shook his head. “No, we… we had to leave,” he muttered.

“I guess that makes sense,” the old man said, crossing his arms. “I heard what happened to Daisuke. It’s a shame, but his bad habits were always going to get the better of him in the end.”

Yuki looked away from Jun for a moment to stare at the man, his heart pounding. What was he talking about? Did he know what Daisuke did? How? “Wh… what do you mean?” he said.

“Hmm? Well, he’s dead, isn’t he? Died of an overdose a couple weeks ago. There was a lot of gossip about it going around…” The old man stared at Yuki’s pale face, his eyes wide and blinking through the thick lenses of the glasses. “Huh? You hadn’t heard?”

Yuki struggled to unstick his dry tongue from the roof of his mouth. “N-no, I haven’t seen him in a while… you said he overdosed?”

“Well, I was kind of hoping you’d know more about it,” the old man said with a shrug. “All I know is what I’ve heard. Apparently he took a lot at once, so some of the guys think it might have been a suicide. Did you know he’d been using?”

A suicide… Yuki was starting to feel dizzy. “Yeah… yeah, I knew.”

The old man rubbed his chin in thought, and then startled so suddenly it also made Yuki jump. “Oh, sorry. This probably isn’t appropriate to talk about with children, is it? Sorry, this old man spends too much time around a bunch of other old farts. Forget I said anything. Were you guys close?”

“Um, sort of…”

“Oh, my condolences then,” the man said, pushing up his glasses. “A lot of the guys liked him; he’ll be missed.”

Jun had finished the other bowl and was watching the two of them talk with bemused fascination. “What’re you talking about?” he said. “Dai-kay? Is he still sick?”

“It’s nothing, Jun… here,” Yuki said, handing Jun a bottle of water one of the volunteers had given him.

The old man was watching Jun gulp down the bottle of water and making that weird face again. “Where will you two go after this? Would you go to a shelter?”

Yuki shook his head.

“No… well, why not stay with me, then? I’ve been staying at a  _ doya _ not far from here, I might be able to convince them to let you stay with me or give you a room.”

Yuki stared at the man, at his thick glasses and his nearly toothless smile and his knees that were still shaky even when sitting down. He seemed completely harmless.

Yuki stood up, straining to lift Jun up into his arms. “Thanks, but… we’ll be fine, really…”

The old man watched them get up with a frown on his face. “Oh… well, take care, then.”

“Bye bye!” Jun said, waving, bits of rice still stuck to his hand.

Yuki left the train overpass behind, his heart pounding and his thoughts racing. He didn’t even notice Jun’s weight pulling on his arms, burning with pain, until he was standing at the top of the stairs leading down to the sewer again.

The sun was starting to go down, and the deep channel leading to the sewer entrance was covered in purple shadows. On the surface, nothing seemed any different from the last time Yuki saw it; the shacks and tents were still mostly dismantled and streaming heat after a day in the sun. Yuki’s tent was still standing, next to Daisuke’s shack. With a twisting stomach, Yuki headed down the stairs and set Jun down when they reached the bottom, rubbing the feeling back into his arms as he stood outside the shack.

Scavengers had clearly been here since the news got around. The door of the shack was wide open and there was stuff strewn about. The little stove Daisuke used to cook was shoved over on its side with its spindly legs in the air. The mug he used to drink tea out of was shattered outside the entrance. A number of empty beer and whisky bottles were strewn about. Yuki stepped towards the shack and peered inside, not sure what he’d see.

There was no one inside. Daisuke’s sleeping mat was still in the back, the blankets tangled up, as if Daisuke had just been sleeping there… except that it was covered in dust and debris from the things that had been tossed around the shack. Someone had gone through all of Daisuke’s things without much care, and there was nothing left of any value; just some torn, empty boxes, piles of old clothing, a worn toothbrush with the bristles bent back.

Yuki crouched in the middle of the shack, and thought back to the first night he’d spent here. How afraid he’d been. How Jun had accepted Daisuke completely at first glance and laughed easily at the old man’s jokes. How jealous he’d been of Jun’s affection for Daisuke.

He thought of Daisuke holding out a bowl of rice towards him. Of the old man kneeling next to him when he was too sick to move, singing that dumb song from a cartoon.

What was Daisuke thinking in his final moments, as he dumped the pills into his hand? Did it hurt? Did he curse Yuki with his final breath?

Had he been here, all alone, with no one who loved or cared about him, as the lights dimmed around him, and he sank into nothing?

Yuki couldn’t breathe. He was doubled over, clutching his arms, and sobbing so hard he felt like he was suffocating.

All he knew was that if Daisuke had never met him, then he might still be here, living and breathing and talking, and not dead and alone.

Was there something wrong with him? Was it something about him that destroyed the people he cared about? Why couldn’t he get close to anyone without everything going bad?

He remembered Jun, and abruptly stopped crying. He stepped outside, but the boy was nowhere to be seen. With a growing panic, Yuki started looking around the area. He leaned down to peer into their old tent, and felt a wave of relief.

Jun was curled up with a pillow on the old futon, fast asleep. The contents of their tent were largely intact, since it was clear they’d had nothing of any value to begin with. Jun’s small pile of picture books were still there, Yuki’s knapsack was still there, the broken lantern was still lying on its side in a pile of glass shards. Sniffling, Yuki swept the glass into his hands and took it outside, dumping it in a pile of trash, before returning to kneel at Jun’s side.

Even in his sleep, Jun’s stomach growled. He looked so thin and pale to Yuki. How much longer did they have like this? How long until Jun left him, too?

_ “There is a way you can get the money, isn’t there?” _

The thought had always been there, lurking in the back of his mind… there  _ was  _ a better way, an easier way to make money… it was all he knew, the only thing he was any good at. But…

_ “There’s no reason to be afraid. It feels good, right? There’s nothing wrong with using your body, Yukio. It’s something that makes you and others happy, isn’t it?” _

If it was meant to be a happy thing, then why did he feel so sick doing it, why did he feel so ashamed? Why did just the thought of hands touching make him shake all over? If it felt good then why was he so afraid?

“It’s because you’re weak,” a voice said, and Yuki looked up.

A boy was standing on the other side of Jun, his hands behind his back, staring at Yuki. Though he was younger, Yuki could recognize his own face.

“Go away…” Yuki muttered, looking away.

“You’re weak,” the boy repeated. “You’ve always been weak. That’s why you needed me, to do all that stuff for you. We made a great team, right?”

Yuki shook his head.

The boy crouched next to Jun, gazing down at him dispassionately. “Poor thing. He’s probably going to die soon. But that’s what you wanted, wasn’t it? To get rid of him?” The boy chuckled. “Don’t tell me you forgot.”

“Go away, go away…”

“We could save him. We could. We could get the money. All you have to do is ask. It’ll be fun. You’ll see. Just ask.”

“I said  _ go away _ !” Yuki shrieked, but there wasn’t anyone there when he opened his eyes.

Jun stirred on the futon, blinking as he looked around the tent. “Big Brother? What’s wrong? Who’re you talking to?” he said with a large yawn.

“It’s… it’s okay, Jun, I was just talking to myself. Go back to sleep,” Yuki said, trying to give Jun a reassuring smile. His face hurt.

Jun stared at him, then turned and rubbed his head in the pillow. In moments, he was asleep again.

_ “There is a way you can get the money, isn’t there?” _

_ “All you have to do is ask.” _

Yuki watched Jun sleep for a moment, and bowed his head. “Please,” he whispered.

When he lifted his head again, he was gazing at his own reflection in the mirror. He was naked and sitting on a stool in front of a sink, his hands on his head frozen in the middle of lathering shampoo into his hair. In the mirror he could see the rest of the ramshackle bathhouse behind him, the line of sinks and mirrors on the opposite wall, and the figure of a man standing beside him.

“Huh?” he said, looking up at the man.

“I said, that looks like it must have hurt,” the man said, giving him a warm smile and pointing at Yuki’s back.

Yuki craned his neck to look at the keloid burn scars lining his back and crawling up his shoulder. “Oh.”

The man sat on a stool next to him. “You here by yourself?”

Yuki glanced aside and noted the man was also naked, and though he was wearing a towel around his waist, the way he was sitting with his legs spread left little to the imagination. Yuki started filling a small bucket in the sink, and nodded.

“Oh, really?” the man said, his eyes traveling up and down. “You know, you should be careful. There’s a lot of perverts around here.”

Yuki dumped the bucket of water over his head, washing the soap out of his hair. He shook himself off like a dog, feeling some small satisfaction as the man winced away from the droplets flying towards him. He flashed the man a smile, and stood up. “What? You mean, like you?” He leaned a wet hand on the man’s shoulder, and brushed the other hand past the towel. He straddled the man’s lap, and leaned forward to whisper in the man’s ear. “So? Can I help you wash your back?”

The man chuckled, and trailed his hand over the scars on Yuki’s back. “Sure, but for how much?” he murmured back.

Yuki leaned back and smiled, and the mirror

broke

and in the shards were the faces of every man who’d ever touched him, grimacing and grinning and panting and laughing. As the shards turned he saw Ruby with his hair pinned up and smiling as he listened to Jun babble; Hiroshi writhing on the bed and screaming; Tsubaki warding off Ashiei’s foot from her belly; his father waving to him and falling into a white box; Jun crawling across the dirty tatami floor; Jun bracing himself against the walls to walk; Jun shaking and sweating with fever; Jun running away from him into blackness.

The shards hit the floor in a cacophony of shattered glass and Yuki’s own echoing screams, Ashiei’s thunderous shouts, the high-pitched squeals of Jun’s laughter.

If he could only die, if he could only join his mother and father on the other side of this. If he could only be free of the pain as they were.

But he couldn’t, because Jun needed him. If he was gone, there’d be no one to protect Jun. If he was gone…

If it wasn’t for Jun… if it wasn’t for him, Yuki could…

Yuki leaned over Jun, curled up asleep with his head on the pillow on their futon in Ashiei’s bedroom. He watched the boy sleep, watched the pulse beating in his neck, and wished with everything in his heart that it would just

stop

he reached out, his hand shaking as it began to close around Jun’s neck

just a minute and it would all be over, and Yuki could finally be free of it all

it would be kinder, better this way

better to kill Jun with his own hands than let the men have him, better for Jun to be gone than for Wang to ever touch him

and he could be free, he could finally rest

he could feel Jun’s pulse beating against his hands now, fluttering like the wings of a butterfly gently brushing his thumb, could feel the breath coursing through Jun’s windpipe

he willed himself to press down, to cut off the flow of air to Jun’s lungs, to snuff out the tiny, fragile life beneath his fingers

_ “It’s sport. It’s the rush of snuffing out the life of something completely within your power. There’s no greater pleasure. Don’t you think so?” _

Yuki could feel his own breath rushing in and out of his own nose as he struggled to breathe, to contain his racing heart, to just do it already, to just end it

_ “You’re too weak, Yukio. You know that, don’t you? You’ll never have what it takes to kill anyone. You’ll never know what it’s like.” _

_ “It’s not anything personal, you know. You’re just prey.” _

Yuki pulled his hand away and bit down on his finger, choking off a scream in the back of his throat. Anguished tears squeezed out of his eyes as he quietly wept, trying not to wake up Jun or Ashiei. He laid down and cringed through the pain, waiting for the waves to subside, swallowing down the vomit and the screams and just softly whining.

When the pain finally subsided, he struggled to sit up. He looked at Jun, sleeping peacefully, unaware of how close he’d come to death. Yuki reached out and tugged the blanket to Jun’s chin, and sat up.

The dark air sat warm and heavy on him. Outside the thin curtains of the window he could see a haze of red and white lights in the darkness. Even late at night, he could hear the distant sound of cars, the thrumming bass of music, of muffled voices and moans and laughter somewhere in the building. A fan droned in the corner. Occasionally there was a heavy, grunting snore. Yuki flinched and glanced sideways over at the lump of a man, Ashiei, curled on a futon on the other side of the room. Empty bottles and convenience store wrappers littered the floor around the man’s head, and the mixed stench of sweat and alcohol and semen drifted off of him and stung Yuki’s nose. Shuddering, he slipped carefully out of the blanket away from his brother and rose to his feet. He padded across the room, his bare footsteps muffled against the frayed tatami matting, until he reached the cooler air of the doorway. Somewhere in the building, a door slammed...

“Are we doing this again?” a voice said.

Yuki was sitting on the couch clutching a half-eaten rice ball, staring at a boy sitting on his haunches in front of him, a boy with his face, wearing a bored expression.

“You couldn’t do it, could you? You couldn’t kill him,” the boy said.

Yuki looked down at the rice ball scrunched in his hand, and his eyes watered.

“Why couldn’t you do it? You know why. You’re weak, just like I told you. Just like he said.”

“I’m not weak,” Yuki muttered.

“Huh?”

Yuki tossed the rice ball aside. “I’m not. I can do it. I can do it this time.”

“Hmm?” The boy sat up straighter. “Well, this I have to see.”

Yuki stood up, and his toes caught something metal, and it spiraled across the floor. Wincing from the pain in his toes, Yuki leaned down to pick it up. The glow of the TV screen flashed across the surface of the lighter as Yuki turned it in his hand. He stared at the blurred smear of his own reflection in the burnished metal. His thumb popped open the top of the lighter and fumbled for the flint wheel. It took a few tries turning the wheel with his shaky thumb until a spark caught the gas inside the lighter and a flame leapt from the top. Yuki watched, mesmerized, as the little flame flickered in the wake of his breath.

“Fire, huh? That’s a nasty way to go,” the boy said, giggling. “You’re horrible, Yuki.”

Yuki snapped the lighter shut, and pushed through the debris and garbage to find a small canister of lighter fluid. He rolled the canister in his hand and pocketed the lighter. One step, two steps, ten back to the bedroom door where Ashiei lay sleeping in a pile of empty liquor bottles and wrappers and used condoms.

The boy leaned against the wall and crossed his arms, watching Yuki.

The lighter fluid poured out of the bottle onto Ashiei’s blankets. As they soaked into his clothes, Ashiei grunted and turned his head into his pillow, but didn’t wake up.

“You didn’t use enough of it, maybe. Or you didn’t spread it around enough,” the boy said.

The empty bottle of lighter fluid bounced off the tatami mat. Yuki fumbled for the lighter in his pocket.

“If you’d used the lighter directly on him, it might have worked better.”

One click, two, and a flame burst from the lighter. He dropped the lighter, watching it spin from his hands.

“You were too haphazard, too messy. What if the lighter had closed? What if it hadn’t hit him?”

The flame caught the lighter-fluid-soaked blankets and burst into vivid life. Yuki backed into the wall, as Ashiei roared awake, his confusion giving way to screams of pain. He struggled to put out the fire but it was crawling up his arm, fanning out across the bed onto the old tatami mat. The noise and the smell of smoke and burning flesh woke up Jun and he began to cry. Fear burst back into Yuki’s awareness and he rushed to Jun’s side, and his arms closed over Jun just as a hand grabbed the back of his shirt.

“You could have just let him hold onto you. You could’ve burned up with him. It was what you wanted, right?”

Yuki rolled to get away from Ashiei, trying not to crush Jun in the process. The fire that engulfed Ashiei’s hand had skipped to Yuki’s shirt, and distantly Yuki was aware of a searing pain spreading across his back. The whole room was bursting into flames now; Ashiei turned and ran for the bathroom. Yuki hefted a sobbing Jun and ran for the front door. The fire alarm in the kitchen was flashing as the flames licked at the garbage bags and consumed the television. As Yuki ripped open the front door and skidded into the hall, a chirping, wailing siren filled the air.

“You wanted to die, right? Were you afraid in the face of death? Is that why you ran?”

They weren’t in the hallway anymore, they weren’t anywhere anymore. Yuki was standing in a dark void. He looked down, but his arms were empty.

The boy stepped towards him, the only thing left in the void. “You’re weak, Yuki. Even after everything, you’re still afraid to die. Why? What are you living for? What are you waiting for?”

_ “Be happy, Yuki. There might be a lot of hard times ahead, but… don’t make mistakes, okay? Don’t lose…” _

“What was it you saw for me, Mom?” Yuki muttered. “What am I supposed to do?”

Something tugged on his leg, and Yuki looked down to see Jun smiling at him. The boy turned and ran off into the void.

“Wait… wait! Don’t go that way!” Yuki yelled. He started to run after Jun, but the boy kept pulling ahead, was gradually disappearing into the darkness. “Please, don’t leave me! Jun!  _ Jun! _ ”

He came to, reaching towards the dark ceiling of the tent. He rolled over, and Jun was there, curled up next to him on the futon.

It had been several weeks since Yuki had started selling himself again, but even with a secure source of food, Jun didn’t seem to be getting any better. The air was cool in the tent, but Jun was sweating and shaking and groaning in his sleep, as if he were seeing the things Yuki had seen only a moment before.

Yuki sat up and shook Jun gently by the shoulder, but the boy didn’t respond, just continued to tremble and groan and gasp for air. Jun clutched onto Yuki’s hand, his tiny nails digging into Yuki’s skin.

Was this it? Was this the end? Yuki could do nothing, and Jun might leave this world in agony, but he’d be gone. Yuki would finally be left alone, perhaps to die the way Daisuke did, alone in the gutter with the garbage, thrown out with the trash like Ruby.

Jun started to cry, and that was it. Yuki scooped him up and barreled out of the tent.

There had to be someone, someone else who could save him. That clinic… where was it? Yuki climbed the steps and ran blindly into the night, clutching Jun’s frail body to his chest, listening at every moment for the rattle of Jun’s breath, feeling for Jun’s heart pounding against his chest.

A doctor… he needed a doctor… someone, anyone…

He was lost, he was running down an alley he didn’t know. He turned the corner and slammed into something solid. He fell to his knees, struggling to keep a grip on Jun as he braced himself with his left hand, skinning his palm on the dirt.

He was only vaguely aware that the solid something he’d run into was another person, laying on the dirt next to him cringing with pain.

“Hey, that hurt!” a voice said, a boy’s voice. “What the hell were you…”

A doctor… he needed a doctor…

“Uh, what?”

Yuki swayed to his feet, cradling Jun to his chest. He looked down at the teenage boy splayed in the dirt staring up at him, the boy’s thick-rimmed glasses askew. The anger was melting off the boy’s face as he gaped up at Yuki in surprise.

“A doctor…” Yuki said, stepping towards the boy.

Please, a doctor. Please, don’t let him die.

_ Because if he dies, then I… _


	12. Charity - 博愛

Yuki sat on the floor out in the clinic hallway, his back to the wall, his head down and his arms wrapped around his knees. His ears were trained to the whooshing sound of the ventilator in Jun’s room, and the slow, steady beep of the boy’s pulse. The nurse’s heels clicked against the tile as she bustled back and forth around Jun’s bed.

“Hey.”

Yuki flinched and looked up to see the boy with glasses standing over him, holding a steaming mug in each hand. He had completely forgotten about the boy; Yuki had followed him to the clinic and hadn’t thought about much else until Jun was settled in his room. The boy was several inches taller than Yuki when they were both standing up, and Yuki had to crane his neck up practically to the ceiling to see him from the floor. Despite the height difference, he looked around the same age. His messy black hair stuck out in every direction and brushed the frames of his glasses. He was a little better equipped for the weather with a zipped-up dark track jacket, but he had either recently hit a growth spurt or his pants were purposefully short; they barely fell to the top of his heavy boots.

The boy offered one of the mugs to Yuki. “Drink this, it’ll warm you up.” He waved the mug in front of Yuki’s nose. “Here, take it.”

Yuki reached out to accept it. As his hands closed around the mug, he felt its heat radiating into his palms. The porcelain was still a little too hot, and he had to shift it around in his hands a bit to keep from scalding himself. He balanced the mug on his knees.

The boy sat down on a bench across from Yuki with his own mug in his hands. He nodded at the door. “Is that your little brother?” he said.

Yuki stared at the boy, and glanced through the gap in the doorway, where he could just see the foot of Jun’s bed. He gave a slow nod.

“What about your parents?” the boy said.

Yuki looked down at his reflection swimming in the liquid of the mug. “They’re gone.”

“So are mine.”

Yuki looked back up at the boy, watching him take careful sips from his mug. There was something familiar about him, but Yuki couldn’t really place it. It was odd, he felt both anxious and at ease at the same time. It didn’t really make sense.

The boy noticed him staring and glanced at the mug resting against Yuki’s knees. “Huh? What, hurry up and drink it before it gets cold,” he said, gesturing at Yuki’s mug.

Yuki glanced back down at the mug, at his dirty reflection and his long hair falling into his eyes. The steam was rising up into his face and warming his cheeks, bringing with it a flowery scent. Yuki gave it a careful sniff, but he couldn’t smell anything else. It was difficult to tell the color of the pale liquid in the dim, yellowed hallway light. It was probably safe. The boy seemed nice. Kind of pushy and a little nosy. But nice. It was probably safe. Probably…

He leaned down and took a small sip. The tea was hot, but not so hot that it scalded his tongue. It had the strong, sweet taste of honey and some type of flower…

_ He was eight years old again, watching his grandmother pour tea into cups. She dropped some flowers into the tea cups, and Yuki nearly stood on the table to watch the flower petals unfurl in the hot water.  _ Chrysanthemums, that was it, that was the flower. _ He slid one of the cups towards himself and waited impatiently, blowing at the steam. When it was safe, he took a careful sip… _

As he swallowed, he could feel the warmth spreading out inside of him. He hadn’t realized just how cold he was sitting on the floor.

“It’s good,” he couldn’t help saying.

For a moment the two of them drank their tea in silence, while Yuki’s mind split between old forgotten memories of his grandmother and the heart monitor in Jun’s room. After a few minutes the other boy sat his mug down on the bench.

“Hey, um, I didn’t get a chance to introduce myself,” the boy said, adjusting his glasses by the bridge. “My name’s Tetsushi.”

Yuki broke away from his thoughts to renew staring at the boy. “Tetsushi… san?” he said, tilting his head.

The boy recoiled. “Uh… you know, just Tetsu is fine.”

“Tetsu-kun…” Yuki bowed his head. “Um, I’m sorry I ran into you…”

Tetsu waved his hands. “It’s fine, I’m okay! But, um…” He fidgeted with the handle of the mug on the bench. “What’s your name?”

“… Yukio.”

Tetsu gave a small smile. “It’s nice to meet you, Yukio-kun—”

That was it. That was what was gnawing at the back of Yuki’s mind.

A tall boy staring at a line of men across the room with a defiant, furrowed brow. A boy only a few years later left screaming in grief and sinking under the weight of drugs.

“… around here?” Tetsu was saying.

Yuki jumped, refocused his eyes on Tetsu sitting on the bench in front of him. The boy was looking down at him with a raised eyebrow.

“Um, sorry, what did you say?” Yuki said, setting the empty mug down on the floor.

“Oh, I said, ‘Are you from around here?’” Tetsu smiled nervously. “I’m still kinda new to the area… just left the orphanage recently and now I’m renting a room from a friend.” He adjusted his glasses. “Um, you said your parents are gone… were you at an orphanage, too?”

Yuki thought of the brothel. Tetsu was probably referring to a different kind of orphanage. Yuki shook his head.

“Oh… but then…”

Thankfully, before Tetsu could ask any more questions, the door opened and the doctor stepped out of Jun’s room. She looked exhausted; there were bags under her eyes, and she was struggling to keep a straight posture. She looked up from a clipboard as Tetsu and Yuki jumped to their feet.

“Well, he’s stable for now,” she said to Yuki. “But I’m going to want to keep an eye on him at least overnight. Obviously, it’d be best to transfer him to a pediatric hospital, but…” She trailed off, looking over Yuki from the top of his messy hair to the bottom of his filthy bare feet. She sighed. “We’ll do what we can, anyway.”

Yuki gave a deep bow. “Thank you so much, Doctor…”

The doctor shook her head. “You can come back to see him tomorrow morning… but, uh.” She looked aside awkwardly. “Maybe take a bath, first, before you come back around the patient.”

Yuki blushed with embarrassment and bowed again. The doctor walked off down the hall, and Yuki peeked his head in to check on Jun. The boy was fast asleep, and hooked up to a dizzying array of tubes and monitors. Seeing him like this was too painful; Yuki turned and walked out, conscious of his feet leaving smudges of dirt on the tile.

Yuki stood in the alley outside the clinic and glanced up at the dark sky. It was still early in the evening; the best time to try to find targets was after the last trains left, or when the bars closed. That was still a ways off. He glanced down at the dirt smudged on his arms and the skinned heel of his palm where he’d fallen after running into Tetsu. He frowned; he should have asked a nurse for an alcohol wipe, but it’d slipped his mind in the urgency of treating Jun. As he was thinking all this over, his stomach gave a loud growl.

There was the scrape of boots on pavement, and Yuki jumped to realize, again, that Tetsu was still there. Yuki looked up at him. Tetsu was standing with his hands in his pants pockets, leaning from side to side and biting his lip. He was looking at Yuki with a funny expression, like the old man at the soup kitchen. Yuki was starting to find this expression really, really annoying.

“What?” Yuki said.

“I was just wondering, uh… if you wanted to get something to eat?” Tetsu said, scratching the back of his head. 

Yuki just stared at him and didn’t say anything.

Tetsu fidgeted. “Um, my treat.”

Yuki hesitated. On the one hand, getting any more involved with this nosy stranger seemed like a pain.

On the other hand, free food.

“… Okay,” Yuki said, and Tetsu brightened considerably.

Yuki followed Tetsu a few blocks to a street packed with food stalls. The area was crowded with people and tables and cooking equipment, so they had to squeeze their way down the street single file. The air was filled with smoke and steam, and the scents of chili peppers and frying meat irritated Yuki’s nose and made his mouth water.

Tetsu found the first stall that had available seating and ordered them something to eat while Yuki did his best to hold their seats. In just a few minutes Tetsu was back with two plastic containers of noodles. He dropped one in front of Yuki along with a pair of cheap chopsticks; Yuki broke his apart and one chopstick ended up with a good portion of the other stuck to it.

After months spent eating garbage and stale convenience store food, Yuki was convinced those noodles were the best thing he’d ever eaten. It was spicy, it made Yuki’s eyes water a bit, and the heat singed his tongue, but he ate it anyway. He looked up at one point to see Tetsu taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes on his sleeve, and Yuki laughed. Just the sensation of laughing felt odd and foreign. Tetsu went back to get them a couple of sodas to wash out the peppers. The carbonation sparkled on Yuki’s tongue and made him hiccup, which made Tetsu laugh, so they were even.

Once they’d picked clean their containers of noodles and drained their soda bottles, Tetsu started to fidget and make that weird face again. Yuki looked away, scratching his arms. “Thanks for the food,” Yuki said.

“It’s nothing,” Tetsu said. He bit his lip and rolled his empty soda bottle on the table. “Um, Yukio-kun… about what the doctor said… my place is just a couple blocks from here, and, um… if you want…” Tetsu shifted his weight and looked aside, his face a little red. “ _ You could use my bath _ ,” he blurted out.

Yuki looked back at Tetsu, stunned. It wasn’t the first time he’d been invited to someone’s place, but he usually was getting paid to do it. His brain felt like it was locking up. “Use your bath…?”

Tetsu accidentally knocked the soda bottle off the table. He scrambled to pick it up. “Uh, I mean, just, if you want to… you don’t have to… I’m just saying… if, if you need to… take a bath I mean… well, you do, need to… I mean, not that that’s bad! But, um, well…” Tetsu started to curse under his breath and rub his face.

Yuki watched him stammer, and couldn’t help giving a snort of laughter. “Sorry, it’s just, that’s a weird thing to offer,” he said, snickering. “Are you trying to say I stink?”

Tetsu groaned and rolled his forehead on the table.

Yuki looked down at himself and sighed. “Not that you’re wrong,” he grumbled.

Tetsu rolled his head to look up at Yuki. “Forget I mentioned it,” he said miserably.

“No, it’s… it’s fine… sure, I’ll… sure,” Yuki said, feeling his face burn a bit.

Tetsu sat bolt upright. “Really? Um, okay.” He stood up, knocking over the stool he’d been sitting on. “It’s, uh, it’s this way…” It took him two attempts to right the stool. He gathered up their trash and threw it into a nearby bin, then set off back through the crowd. Yuki tailed along behind, trying to keep up.

They turned a corner down a back alley, where light spilled out from a doorway. They approached the door, but Tetsu went past it to a set of steps. Yuki glanced in the door as they passed and could make out what looked like the kitchen and dining room of a restaurant or café.

They were only halfway up the steps when a voice called out from the kitchen. “Tetsu? Is that you? Did you bring the stuff I asked for?”

Tetsu froze. “Crap,” he swore under his breath. He turned to call back towards the door. “Uh, no, they were closed!”

“Huh?  _ Closed? _ What am I supposed to do? How am I going to make breakfast tomorrow?” the voice whined. “I was going to try to make Belgian waffles…”

Tetsu leaned over the stair rail. “Okay, okay, I’ll go get it in a minute! Geez.” He stomped up the stairs and threw open a door, gesturing for Yuki to follow him.

“That was my landlord, Ryouji,” Tetsu said once they were inside. “Remember that friend I mentioned? He owns that café downstairs.”

“Um, is it okay that I’m here?” Yuki said.

Tetsu scratched the back of his head. “Yeah uh, it’s just… well, I’ve never brought anyone here before and, um…” He sighed. “I think he’s going to tease me, okay? That’s all. He’s not a bad guy, really. But, maybe let me talk to him first.”

Yuki nodded. They were standing in a small hallway with several doors. Tetsu went up to one of them and knocked. “Riko? Are you here?”

The sound of a television on the other side of the door cut off. “Yeah, what?” a girl’s voice called back.

“I’m going to take a bath, do you need to use it?”

“No, I already took one. There should still be hot water though.”

“Okay, thanks!” The sound of the television kicked back in.

Tetsu glanced back at Yuki. “Ryouji’s little sister,” he said by way of explanation.

Yuki nodded again. They went to a room next door, and Tetsu pushed open the door to peer inside. It was a bathroom, with an old soaking tub covered in tiles in the back, and a sink and a hand-held shower head next to it. There were a few bowls and shampoo bottles sitting out, and the tub was filled with water that was emitting steam in the heavy, wet air.

“That’s the bath… the toilet’s next door… my room is that one,” he said, pointing at another door across the hall. “Oh, uh… I’ll go get you a towel.” He ran over to the room and returned after a minute with a large but ragged towel, folded in a neat pile. He thrust it out and Yuki took it. Tetsu shifted his weight from one foot to the other and swung his arms. “Um… I have to go get that stuff for Ryouji, I totally forgot. Will you be okay while I’m gone?”

“You’re leaving? What if I steal all your stuff and take off while you’re gone?” Yuki said.

Tetsu gave a nervous laugh. “I don’t have anything valuable, anyway.”

Yuki gave a short bow, clutching the towel to his chest. “Thanks, um… Tetsu-kun.”

“Don’t mention it,” Tetsu said, and he turned and ran back to the door to the stairwell and was gone.

Yuki stepped inside the bathroom and closed the door. He locked the door, and for a moment, he just stood holding the towel, looking around. Steam curled in the air, and water dripped from the tub faucet in a steady rhythm. He peeled off his dirty clothes and got to work trying to shower off all the grime from his arms and feet. It took a lot of scrubbing and he still couldn’t get all the dirt out from under his nails. He had to shampoo his hair twice before the water would run clear. When he was reasonably clean, he slipped into the big bathtub, feeling his muscles unlock in the hot water.

In that moment of quiet, listening to the water dripping and the gentle hum of the television in the other room, Yuki started to relax a bit. He set his head against the side of the tub, and exhaustion pulled at him. Closing his eyes, all he could see was Jun’s smiling, happy face… and then Jun lying in the bed at the clinic, a machine pouring oxygen into his lungs, an IV line hooked up to his tiny arm. He listened to the sound of the ventilator pulling air in and out, but it wasn’t the machine anymore, it was a man panting, a big, hairy, sweaty man leaning over him on a bed, naked, and Yuki could only clench his teeth and endure it—

Yuki startled awake, the bath water splashing onto the floor as he struggled to sit up. For a moment as he looked around, he was confused where he was, until he remembered Tetsu. He sighed and sagged against the wall of the tub. The water was starting to get colder. What time was it? How long had he been asleep in the tub? It was probably time to go soon, if he wanted to make any money. He got out of the tub and toweled off, scooping up his dirty clothes off the floor. He unlocked the door and peered into the hallway.

The door to Tetsu’s room was open and the light was on. Yuki stepped across the hall. “Tetsu-kun?” he said, careful to keep his voice down.

He stepped inside the room, but Tetsu wasn’t there. It was a very plain room, with the same large tiles the building had, and cold concrete wall slabs. There was a couch under a window, and a small bed and dresser against the opposite wall. There was a clock on the dresser; 11 PM. There was still time before he had to leave.

Yuki sat down on the couch, and examined his dirty clothes. He had another set of clothes that might be less dirty, but it was in his knapsack all the way back at the sewer. He didn’t think he’d have time to go get it. As he was thinking this over, he saw something move in the doorway, and jumped in surprise.

It was just Tetsu. The boy walked inside the doorway and froze when he saw Yuki. He was in the middle of unwrapping a package of melonpan pastry, which he immediately dropped. He bent down to grab it off the floor, and when he stood back up, his face was a deep red. “Oh, um… how was your bath?” he asked the wall next to him.

“Sorry, I think I fell asleep for a bit…” Yuki said.

“Yeah, uh, it happens.” Tetsu shut the door behind him. “Um, were you, uh… walking around like that?”

“Huh?” Yuki looked down at his naked body, and beside him at the couch. “Sorry, I thought I was dry, am I getting water everywhere?”

“No, uh… nevermind.” Tetsu went over to the dresser and started to rummage through the drawers. “It might not fit you very well, but you can borrow some of my clothes for now,” he said.

“Oh, thanks, but…” Yuki started to say, but Tetsu was already shoving a shirt, a jacket, and a pair of pants at him. Tetsu wouldn’t look at him until he put the clothes on. The clothes were a little baggy on him, but they were warm and dry, and clean. They smelled like old cotton and detergent and a little bit like the soap in the bathroom. “Um, thanks…”

Tetsu looked relieved, though his face was still a little red. He held out the package of pastry at Yuki. “Want some?”

Yuki reached out, stripped a piece off the bread, and popped it in his mouth. At the look on Yuki’s face, Tetsu handed over the rest of the package. He watched Yuki tear into the pastry with a nervous smile on his face.

“Yukio-kun, I was wondering… do you want to just stay here tonight?” Tetsu said. “It’s close to the clinic, we can go back there first thing tomorrow morning.”

Yuki looked up, his mouth full of bread. He struggled to swallow. “Why?”

“Oh, you want to check on your brother, right?”

“No, I mean…” Yuki tilted his head, and toyed with the empty pastry wrapper. “Why do you want me to stay? Why are you being nice to me? You don’t even know me.”

“Oh… um…” Tetsu walked over to sit on the bed across from Yuki. “If I tell you, you’re going to think it’s really dumb.” Yuki just stared expectantly at Tetsu. Tetsu sighed and looked down at his hands. “Well… several years ago, I ran away from the orphanage, and I was living on the streets for a bit, too. If Ryouji hadn’t found me and helped me, and encouraged me to go back, I don’t know what would have happened…” Tetsu rubbed his neck. “Uh, I guess you just… reminded me of me a bit,” he said, giving a nervous chuckle.

Yuki continued to stare. It wasn’t really the answer he’d expected. “So… you’re just being nice because you feel bad for me?”

Tetsu bowed his head. “Uh, when you put it that way… I mean… yeah, I guess… I do feel a little bad… but, uh, it’s not like I feel like I’m better than you… or anything… I just, um… wanted to help…” He trailed off, muttering to himself.

Yuki smiled. “Um, thanks, I guess… it’s just, no one’s ever done anything nice for me without asking for something.”

Tetsu stopped muttering and looked up wearing that dumb face again.

Yuki frowned and laid down on the couch with his back to Tetsu. “Then, good night, I guess.”

“Oh… good night.”

Yuki listened to Tetsu walking around the room, stripping out of his boots and tossing them in the corner. He flicked the lights off and plunged the room into darkness. A dresser drawer was pulled open and tossed shut. Something settled onto Yuki, and he winced, but it was only a blanket. Yuki looked over his shoulder and squinted into the darkness, just barely able to make out the shape of Tetsu settling into bed.

When after a while Tetsu’s breathing had evened out, and Yuki was sure he was asleep, he carefully slipped out from under the blanket. He emptied out the pockets of his dirty jeans and stuffed the contents into the baggy borrowed ones. He tiptoed across the tile and opened the door, cringing a little when it squeaked as it opened. When there was no answering sound from Tetsu, Yuki stepped out into the dark, empty hallway, shutting the door behind him. He ran across the hall to the stairwell door, and slipped out into the night.

Tetsu seemed like a nice guy…. it was too bad he’d probably never see him again. 


	13. Decisions - 決意

When Yuki got to the clinic late the next morning, Tetsu was there, standing next to the entrance with his arms folded and a paper bag at his feet. He was starting to nod off a little standing straight up, but when he heard Yuki approach, he snapped out of it right away.

Yuki froze, not sure what to do.  _ Of course _ Tetsu would be here. Why was he here, though? Why couldn’t he just leave well enough alone?

Tetsu looked like he was having some thoughts of his own. His initial reaction on seeing Yuki looked like relief or delight, only to sour into anger or disappointment, and back to the usual sort of strained smile.

Yuki took a step backwards as Tetsu picked up the bag and stepped forward. “Yukio-kun! There you are. I was starting to get kind of worried,” Tetsu said with a nervous laugh.

Yuki’s face twitched as he tried to return Tetsu’s smile. “G… good morning,” he said.

“Are you okay? You were gone when I woke up this morning, I thought maybe you’d already come over here, but…” Tetsu kicked at a loose chunk of pavement.

“Sorry… I, um… had something I had to take care of,” Yuki said, squaring his shoulders.

“Oh, okay… uh… here.” Tetsu held out the bag towards Yuki. “I washed them, but they’re still kind of damp,” he said.

Yuki took the bag and peered inside; it was the clothes he’d been wearing yesterday. There were also a few rice balls wrapped in cellophane.

“Um, Ryouji made you those,” Tetsu said, scratching the back of his head. “Sorry, he caught me washing your clothes this morning and wrung the whole story out of me.”

Yuki felt his mouth watering, but forced himself to leave the rice balls untouched for now. “Oh… thanks,” he said.

There was an incredibly awkward moment as the two of them just stood in front of the clinic, Yuki crinkling the paper bag in his hands, Tetsu deliberately avoiding his gaze but stubbornly not leaving. Yuki was starting to feel something suspiciously like guilt for trying to cut and run from Tetsu the night before. He even felt a little guilty about the dirt smudged on his knees and a new stain on the shirt he’d borrowed from Tetsu.

The sensation of guilt, mostly for help he hadn’t asked for, was extremely annoying.

“Um… I’m going to go see Jun, now,” Yuki muttered.

Tetsu looked back at Yuki. “Oh, is that your little brother? Mind if I tag along?”

_ Why, though? _ Yuki felt a muscle spasm in his jaw. “S-sure, go ahead,” Yuki said, and he turned his back on Tetsu and walked into the clinic.

Jun was hooked up to significantly fewer tubes and machines now. He was breathing on his own, though his breathing was fast and sounded wet, and he kept coughing. Sweat shone on his forehead. His eyes were squeezed shut, and he was moaning a little in his sleep. Yuki pulled up a chair next to him and held onto his hand, trying not to let his own shaking bother Jun. Tetsu hovered at the foot of Jun’s bed, looking a little pale and unsure.

“Took a bath, huh?” said a voice from behind Yuki’s shoulder, and Yuki nearly jumped a foot in the air. He spun around to see the same doctor from the night before. There was a cot in the corner by a desk, so she must have slept there; her hair was in a very messy bun, and she looked about as exhausted as Yuki felt after working all night. “Well, he made it through the night okay. We gave him fluids and a round of antibiotics. We’re just waiting for his fever to break.”

Yuki jumped to his feet and gave a deep bow. “Thank you… um, what’s wrong with him?”

“Bacterial pneumonia. Again, I would prefer that he’d gone to a hospital,” she said with a frown on her face, “but I’d also like to win the lottery, can’t always have what we want. Is he prone to illnesses like this?”

Yuki glanced at Jun. “Um… well, he’s been getting sick a lot ever since he was a baby.”

The doctor chewed on the back of a pen. “Could be an immunodeficiency…” she muttered to herself. She straightened up and looked down at Yuki. “In any case, he’ll most likely recover, but he’s going to need to be somewhere warm and dry. Somewhere _ inside _ . And he’ll need food, and clothing, and medicine,” she said, counting off on her hands.

Yuki cringed, and nodded.

She sighed. “I’m not really sure why you two are out on the streets, and not in an orphanage or shelter somewhere, but… if things continue like this… he  _ will _ die next time, do you understand me?”

“Yes, I… I understand,” Yuki said. He bowed again. “Thank you.”

The doctor went over to the desk and gathered up a stack of papers. “I want him to stay here a couple more days, then he’s free to go… that is, if he has somewhere to go,” she said.

Yuki kept his head down and didn’t look up until she’d left the room. His legs were shaking so hard he couldn’t stay upright anymore; he collapsed in the chair next to Jun’s bed, digging his nails into his arms and leaning his forehead against the bed.

Yuki always knew they couldn’t stay at the sewers, but somehow, he’d hoped for a little more time. If they went to a shelter or institution, at best, they could end up separated. At worst, it would be easy for Wang’s group, the Heilong, to find them again… if they were even looking. There were so many risks, but what was best for Jun? Was it better to take the risk than for Jun to die in the gutter? It was Yuki’s fault Jun was lying in this bed with his lungs full of bacteria; Yuki’s fault that he was slowly starving to death. Maybe it would be best to give Jun up…

There was a loud crinkle of paper, and Yuki jolted upright, scrubbing tears from his eyes. He looked up at Tetsu sitting on the end of the bed; he’d forgotten about Tetsu. Again. Tetsu was unwrapping one of the rice balls and munching on it. Catching Yuki staring out of the corner of his eye, Tetsu paused mid-chew, and held out the rice ball towards Yuki. “Wan’ some?” he said with his mouth full.

Yuki just looked between Tetsu and the rice ball. For a moment, he felt incredibly angry; but the moment passed, and the absurdity of it all hit him full force, and he started to laugh. He laughed so hard that more tears squeezed out of his eyes and his chest hurt. Tetsu chuckled along, taken aback by Yuki’s reaction.

When Yuki finally calmed down, he held his hand out, and Tetsu pulled another rice ball out of the bag and handed it to Yuki. Ryouji must have anticipated that Yuki missed breakfast, because the rice was stuffed with scrambled egg. Yuki quickly finished one and tore into another one, all the while keeping an eye on Jun.

“Um…” Tetsu started to say, and Yuki looked up. Tetsu was wringing his hands and avoiding Yuki’s gaze. “I’m sorry about your brother. What are you going to do?”

Yuki swallowed and looked away, setting the empty wrappers aside. “I don’t know… I don’t know what to do now.” Yuki balled his fists in his lap, his eyes watering. He’d been awake for over a day. He was exhausted and just felt so, so heavy.

Tetsu shifted his weight, and the bed creaked. “Listen, I… I talked to Ryouji this morning, and, um… we do have an extra room, if you and your brother want to stay with us.” Yuki looked up, but Tetsu was deliberately not looking at him again, his face getting red. “I know you’re struggling, so… you can pay rent whenever you get back on your feet… I’m still looking for a job, too. Maybe we could look together?” When Yuki didn’t respond, Tetsu’s gaze drifted back towards him. Yuki was just staring at him, tears streaming down his face. Tetsu recoiled. “Um, I mean… you don’t have to… just a suggestion… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked without asking you first…” He broke off mumbling again.

Yuki rubbed his eyes on his sleeve. “No, I… I don’t know… are you sure?”

Tetsu nodded. “Yeah… we’d be happy to have you guys,” he said.

_ Happy _ … Yuki laid his head down next to Jun, holding the boy’s hand. “Okay… thanks, Tetsu-kun…” he mumbled, and in moments, he was asleep

* * *

Later that afternoon, Yuki followed Tetsu back to his place, except this time, they went to the front of the café. Yuki craned his neck up to look at a sign emblazoned with the name “FAUST” and the shop’s hours on it. He’d dragged his feet the whole way there, turning over every anxious possibility, but Tetsu kept reassuring him that everything would be fine. Tetsu was holding the shop door open for him, and Yuki hurried forward to follow him inside.

It definitely was not a fancy café by any means, but it had a warm and cozy atmosphere, with wood beams on the ceiling, hardwood floors, and paneling on the walls. The windows were the same block glass that Yuki had seen in Tetsu’s room. Most of the kitchen was behind the bar, and the rest of the café was taken up with simple tables and chairs, all of which were empty at that moment. There were only two other people in the restaurant: a girl with loose pigtails wiping down the table tops, and a young man with slicked-back long hair and an apron around his waist standing behind the bar. They both looked up when Tetsu and Yuki entered the café.

“Tetsu, you’re back!” the man said, who Yuki assumed was Ryouji. “How’d everything go with—” His gaze strayed sideways over Tetsu’s shoulder to Yuki. Yuki did his best to sidle behind Tetsu. Ryouji waved. “Oh, welcome! You must be Tetsu’s friend.”

Yuki felt like “friend” was pushing it; he felt like a stray cat Tetsu had picked up more than anything else at this point.

The girl put down the rag she’d been wiping the table with, and leaned to try and get a look at Yuki. Ryouji emerged from around the bar counter to stand next to her.

“Um… let me introduce you guys,” Tetsu said, stepping away from Yuki. He waved at Ryouji. “This is the shop’s owner and my landlord, Ryouji.”

Ryouji gave a short bow. “Nice to meetcha!”

Tetsu nodded at the girl. “And this is his little sister, Riko.”

“Hiya!” she said, waving at Yuki and grinning.

They all looked at Yuki expectantly, and Yuki tried not to turn on the spot and bolt out of the café. “I’m Yukio,” he said in a small voice. “It’s… nice to meet you.”

Hearing Yuki speak broke down some sort of barrier, because Ryouji and Riko were on him in an instant.

“I heard all about it from Tetsu!” Ryouji said, shoving Tetsu aside to get in front of Yuki. “It’s horrible what happened to your brother, is he okay now?”

Riko jostled to get in front of Yuki as well. “Hey, are you looking for somewhere to stay? Why not rent from us? You will? It’s a deal, then!”

“Um… but…” Yuki started to say.

Ryouji was looking Yuki over, brushing at the long bangs falling into Yuki’s eyes. Yuki jerked his head away from Ryouji’s outstretched fingers. “I can fix your hair for you,” he said. He tugged at the collar of Yuki’s jacket. “This is one of Tetsu’s jerseys, right? Maybe one of my old jackets would suit you better…” Yuki tried to inch away, but it was too late; Ryouji cut off his escape route and started to steer Yuki away from the dining room. “Alright, come over here, this way, this way…!”

“I’ll help!” Riko said, starting to follow them.

“You gotta watch the shop, Riko!”

“Aww, but…!”

Yuki looked desperately over his shoulder at Tetsu for help. Tetsu looked like he was trying not to laugh; he just gave a slow shrug. He started to follow after Yuki, but Ryouji waved him away.

“You too, Tetsu, stay with Riko,” Ryouji said.

Tetsu hesitated. “But, Ryouji…”

“We’ll be back in just a few minutes!”

Ryouji pulled Yuki into an adjacent room, which seemed to be pulling double duty as an office and a pantry. Most of the walls were filled with shelves of boxes and packages. A small desk was overflowing with stacks of papers. Yuki stood back as Ryouji ran in and out of the room, dragging in a chair, dropping a small bag on the desk, and flipping a ceiling light on. Yuki squinted, and flinched as Ryouji dragged him over and sat him down in the chair, throwing a sheet over Yuki’s chest and shoulders.

Yuki tried to sit still, but his heart was pounding in his chest, and he squirmed in the chair. Ryouji was standing behind him, pulling clippers from the bag.

“Um, you really don’t have to cut my hair…” Yuki said, glancing over his shoulder.

Ryouji just shrugged. “It’s no problem at all, you’re Tetsu’s friend, right?”

“Well…”

Ryouji’s hand shot forward and Yuki winced as it settled on top of his head. He swiveled Yuki’s head away from him. “Okay, sit up straight and hold still,” he said.

Yuki obeyed, staring at the wall and resisting the urge to shrink away. There was a loud buzzing sound as the clippers turned on. Ryouji’s hand was still on Yuki’s head, tilting his head down, parting the hair at the base of his neck. Yuki felt the clippers vibrating against his skin and flinched.

“It’s okay, it won’t hurt ya, I’ve got the guard on,” Ryouji said over the noise of the clippers.

“I know that…” Yuki muttered.

“This isn’t your first time getting your hair cut, is it?”

Yuki started to shake his head, but Ryouji’s firm grip stopped him. “N… no, it’s just… been a while.”

“Oh, really? Who used to cut your hair?”

_ A young woman who always smiled when she saw him, like there was nothing wrong or unusual about what was going on. Her hands were always so gentle when she touched him; she had a look of such intense concentration when she put on his makeup, brushing on the delicate strokes of eyeliner, smearing foundation on his skin with her thumb. She’d sit back to admire her work, and she’d give him such a pained smile. A smile that always curved into a disgusted sneer when she saw Ashiei, hidden behind a deep bow. _

Ryouji’s hand slid up to run the clippers around Yuki’s ears. Yuki watched the hairs falling down onto the white sheet.

“I learned how to cut hair while I was in the orphanage,” Ryouji said. “I’ve been cutting Tetsu’s since he was little.”

“You’ve known each other a long time?” Yuki said, glad to be off the subject of himself.

“Yeah, so I’ve got all kinds of embarrassing stories about him I can tell you,” Ryouji chuckled. “This one time…”

“Uh, that’s okay,” Yuki interrupted. 

“Aw, you’re no fun.” Ryouji shut off the clippers and set them aside, picking up a pair of scissors. He dunked a comb in a glass of water sitting on the desk and shook it off. He started to comb through Yuki’s hair, splitting off sections at a time and snipping at them with the scissors. “Maybe Tetsu hasn’t told you, but I’m more than just his landlord,” Ryouji said as he worked. “We may not be related, but he’s like a little brother to me. You get that, right?”

Yuki started to nod, but stopped himself before Ryouji could correct him.

“Maybe I spoil him a little, but I’m just worried about him. He’s been a little lost since he left the orphanage. He doesn’t have a lot of friends here yet,” Ryouji said, “and I’m not sure I trust the ones he does have. I just don’t want him to end up down the wrong path. You know?”

Yuki didn’t say anything, just watched the hairs piling up in his lap as his breathing pushed the sheet up and down.

“It’s a rough neighborhood. It’s easy to take shortcuts, to make a wrong turn. He’s a nice kid, a good kid… a lot better than I was. I’m proud of him, glad that he wants to help others. He likes you; I can tell.” Ryouji’s hand settled on Yuki’s shoulder, and Yuki jumped a little. “If he wants to help you, then so do I. But…” Ryouji’s fingers dug into Yuki’s shoulder. “I don’t know you, I don’t know where you came from, and I don’t know what you want. Do you want to be Tetsu’s friend? Or are you just looking to take advantage of someone who’s convenient to you?”

Yuki cringed. “No, I…”

Ryouji let go of Yuki’s shoulder and walked around to crouch in front of Yuki. Yuki blinked and looked away.

“I’m happy to have you and your brother here, honestly, I am. But if you hurt Tetsu… then you can’t stay here. Understand?”

Yuki nodded. There was a blur of movement out of the corner of his eye, and Yuki winced. Ryouji turned Yuki’s face back to meet his, and reached up to cut Yuki’s bangs. After several snips, Ryouji tousled Yuki’s hair and stood up.

“There, all done,” Ryouji said, unpinning the sheet and pulling it off Yuki. Yuki blinked his eyes open and stood up, running his hands through his shorter hair.

“Th… thank you,” Yuki said.

Ryouji tucked the scissors, comb, and clippers back into the bag and zipped it closed. He gave Yuki a warm smile. “Like I said, anything for a friend of Tetsu’s.

* * *

When Yuki saw Jun the next day, the boy didn’t recognize him at first.

Jun laid in bed, staring at Yuki’s face with a perplexed look, snot dripping from his nose. He gave a loud sniff and wiped his nose on the back of his sleeve. “Brother?” he said, and coughed.

Yuki tried to smile, passing Jun a tissue. “Yeah, it’s me,” he said.

Jun took the tissue and blew his nose. He handed Yuki the wadded-up tissue. “You look weird,” he said, sniffling. He reached out to tug at the sleeve of the oversized hoodie that Yuki had received from Ryouji.

“Is it weird?” Yuki said, looking himself over, scratching the top of his head.

Jun nodded. He looked behind him at the medical equipment. “Am I sick again?”

Yuki leaned on the edge of the bed. “Yeah, but the doctor says you’re getting better, so we can go home tomorrow.”

“Oh!” Jun’s smile faded, and he slid down under the blankets a little. “Oh… we’re going back?”

“Uh, actually, we’re staying somewhere new now.”

Jun toyed with the cord of the pulse monitor attached to his finger. “Where are we going?”

“Um, when you were really sick, and I was trying to find a doctor, I… ran into someone.”

“Knocked me over, actually,” Tetsu said from the doorway, and Jun jumped.

Jun gasped and slid down further under the blanket, holding it up to his nose.

“It’s okay, Jun… this is Tetsu-kun,” Yuki said. “We’re going to be staying with him and his friends for a bit. Okay?”

“It’s nice to meet you, Jun,” Tetsu said with a nervous smile.

Jun just stared at him, coughing under the blanket. Tetsu walked over and sat on the end of the bed. Jun slowly emerged from under the blanket, still staring. He sat on his knees and crawled towards Tetsu. When he got close enough, he stood up on his knees. Tetsu leaned away, but not fast enough before Jun’s hand shot out and seized his glasses.

“Ah, hey!” Tetsu said.

Jun looked down at the glasses, turning them around in his hand, then up at Tetsu’s face. Jun held the glasses up in front of his own face, and squinted through them. He pointed at Tetsu’s nose. “Hiro!” he said.

“Huh?”

Jun raised and lowered the glasses. “Hiro! Hiro-shi!”

Yuki lunged forward to grab the glasses. “No no no, Jun, that’s Tetsu-kun!  _ Tetsu _ !”

“Teshu!”

“ _ Tsu! _ ”

“Shuuu!”

Yuki groaned and handed the glasses over to Tetsu. “Sorry about that…” He picked up Jun and helped settle him back into bed.

Tetsu rubbed the lenses with the bottom of his shirt and put the glasses back on. “Uh, it’s okay… who’s Hiro?”

“Hiro!” Jun said again, pointing at Tetsu.

Yuki pushed Jun’s hand down. “I… think he’s still a little feverish,” he said with a sigh. “Settle down, Jun, you’re still sick. The doctor’s gonna yell at me.”

Jun sniffed. He didn’t take his eyes off of Tetsu. “We’re going home tomorrow?” he said.

“That’s right, so you gotta rest so you can get better, okay?”

Jun nodded and sunk down into the covers. His coughed, his eyelids drooping.

Yuki stood up and glanced at Tetsu. “Do you mind watching him for a minute? I need to go talk to the receptionist.”

Tetsu looked up at Yuki. “Sure but, why?”

Yuki stood next to Tetsu and dropped his voice. “Going to find out what this cost,” he said.

“Oh… do you need help?” Tetsu said, standing up.

Yuki smiled and waved his hand. “No thanks, I got it.”

“But…”

Yuki was already walking out, his hands in his pockets. At the front desk, the receptionist printed out a bill and slid it at him. Looking at the amount on the bottom, Yuki felt the blood drain from his face a little.

It looked like he was going to be busy tonight. 


	14. Work - 仕事

He woke up on his back, staring up at a familiar ceiling.

Yuki was lying on his bed at the brothel. As he rolled over, a thin chain fell off of his chest in a series of small clinking sounds. His eyes traced the length of the chain to where it connected to the headboard. He tugged on the chain and felt a slight pressure on his neck; he groped for his neck and his fingers slid over a collar. Crawling backwards, there was only enough length of the chain to reach the foot of the bed. Sideways, he couldn’t do much more than stand next to it.

He was sitting on the bed, idly leaning backwards and forwards to pull at the chain, when the door opened. Yuki looked over to see… _ someone _ standing there. At first glance he was pretty sure it was Hiroshi, but even staring straight at him, it was difficult to make out his face. Yuki blinked and rubbed at his eyes; he must still be tired, that was it. Maybe-Hiroshi just stood there holding a sleeping Jun in his arms.

“Hiroshi-kun… what is it? That time already?” Yuki said with a yawn. “I think I was just having a really bad dream. There was a big fire… and I was living in a sewer… funny, right?”

The blurry-faced Hiroshi didn’t say anything, just stepped forward and handed over Jun. Yuki cradled Jun against his chest, and looked up at Hiroshi expectantly. It… was hard to know where to look.

“Um… are you going to let me out? You have the key, right?” Yuki said, his voice wavering.

Hiroshi tilted his head, and pulled out a small key on a ring, dangling it above Yuki’s head. Yuki snatched at it and missed.

“Come on, it’s not funny. Take this off already.”

Hiroshi shook his head.

The collar was starting to feel a little tight around Yuki’s neck; when he moved, he hit the length of the chain sooner.

“What…?” Yuki yanked on the chain, but pulling on it just made it grow shorter. He tried to tug the collar off of his neck, but it just got tighter. He gagged as he struggled to keep his windpipe open. “Hiro… shi… help…” he gasped.

There were just shadows where Hiroshi’s eyes should have been. “Help? Why?” Hiroshi said.

Yuki couldn’t respond; he opened his mouth, but could only make a wheezing sound. His eyes were watering. Jun fell on his lap and rolled over.

Hiroshi leaned forward, his hands behind his back. “Why should I help you, when you wouldn’t help me?” He started to pace around the bed. “The chain isn’t that strong. Why don’t you try breaking it?”

Yuki grabbed the chain and yanked, but this was a mistake; it shortened so much that he was wrenched sideways towards the headboard. No matter how he tried, the chain wouldn’t break.

“Isn’t this what you wanted?” Hiroshi said, but it didn’t really sound like him anymore. His voice ducked in and out, sometimes higher, sometimes lower. “You should just die. Just die. DIE.”

Yuki’s pulse beat vividly in his neck against the constricting collar. He reached for Jun, but he was so close to the headboard now that he could just barely touch the boy. When he did manage to brush Jun’s side with his fingertips, his touch left a dark, inky trail. The trail snaked its way up Jun’s body, and began to circle around the boy’s neck. Jun coughed and began to choke.

Yuki tried to scream, but it just came out as a hoarse whisper. He thrashed against the chain and hit the back of his head against the headboard. Spots were clouding his vision, but he could still make out Jun being slowly covered in smoky blackness, gasping for air. His hand reaching for Jun was aflame with the same dark shadow. As his pulse slowed, he felt himself being dragged downwards. Something gave way, and he was falling, 

falling

He woke up with a violent start on his back, staring up at an unfamiliar ceiling.

Yuki was lying on the bed he shared with Jun at Ryouji’s place. He was drenched in a cold sweat. Jun was sprawled out on his chest, all thirty pounds of him squeezing the air out of Yuki’s lungs, his arm thrown out and pressing against Yuki’s throat. The boy was fast asleep, drool oozing out of his mouth and soaking Yuki’s shirt. Yuki sat up and Jun rolled over, releasing the pressure from Yuki’s throat and chest. Yuki took big gulps of air and felt the cooling rush of it filtering back into his lungs. He reached out to touch Jun, and hesitated; he tugged at the collar of Jun’s shirt, but there wasn’t anything to see on the boy’s skin. Yuki gave a long sigh and rubbed the sweat from his forehead.

Sunlight was filtering in through the diamond-block glass of the window. Yuki could see dust turning around in the soft light. Ryouji had been using the room for storage before Yuki showed up, and they were still in the process of sorting out where to put everything. Yuki didn’t mind; it was more space than the tent, and it wasn’t like he and Jun had much to keep with them, anyway.

There was a knock at the door, and Yuki jumped so hard that he kneed Jun in the back. Jun yelped to life, rolling over and nearly landing on the floor before Yuki’s arm shot out and caught him.

“_Yuki-kun, Jun-chan, breakfast! _” Ryouji’s muffled voice called through the door.

“O-okay!” Yuki called back. Footsteps headed away from the door, and Yuki could hear a soft knocking and the sound of voices down by Tetsu’s room.

“Breakfast!” Jun said, scrambling to sit up. His nose was leaking snot, and he gave an enormous sniff trying to suck it back up into his nose.

Yuki glanced around for a tissue. Not seeing one, he pulled off his own shirt and held it to Jun’s nose for the boy to blow into. His nose emptied, Jun rolled onto the floor and began to hop on the spot as he waited for Yuki.

“Pants, Jun,” Yuki said, searching around for a fresh shirt.

“Right!” Jun grabbed the first pair of tiny pants he could find and started trying to put them on. He succeeded… in putting them on backwards. Confused, Jun turned around in a circle looking for the zipper.

Yuki found a shirt with a few less stains and pulled it on. He managed to stop Jun rotating by holding him by the top of the head. He helped Jun pull the pants back off and put them on correctly. Jun whined with impatience as Yuki looked for Jun’s shoes, finding them lying under a pile of laundry. Trying to shove a shoe onto a squirming four-year-old always resulted in at least a few kicks per foot. When Jun was finally fully dressed, the boy raced to the door and wrenched it open, bursting out into the hallway. Yuki trailed behind, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and yawning.

The café smelled intensely of frying bacon when Yuki stepped inside. This early in the morning it was still closed, so there were only Tetsu and Riko sitting at a table when Yuki and Jun came down. Jun was already climbing into a seat next to Riko, with a pillow to boost him up high enough to sit at the table. Ryouji was behind the bar cooking. Yuki sat down in the chair next to Tetsu, leaning his elbows on the table and rubbing his face.

“Didn’t sleep well?” Tetsu asked.

“Mrrgh,” Yuki said, knocking his forehead against the table. Tetsu poured him a cup of coffee from a pot sitting on the table and bumped the cup against Yuki’s forehead.

“It takes time to get used to sleeping in a new place, you know,” Riko said, waving her hand.

“It’s been _ two weeks _,” Tetsu said.

“Still new, right?”

Yuki lifted his head off the table, grabbing the cup. “It’d help if there wasn’t a big sack of rice laying on my chest all night choking the life out of me,” he grumbled, eyeing Jun. Jun giggled.

“Alright, who wants pancakes with their eggs?” Ryouji said.

“Me!” Jun said. His hand was only slightly faster to fly into the air than Riko’s.

“Tetsu, Yuki-kun, what about you?”

“No, thanks,” Yuki said. The memory of the nightmare was fading, but he still felt a bit nauseated. His hand shook a little as he took sips of coffee.

“Hey, why do you get to call him Yuki?” Riko said, frowning over at her brother.

“Well Tetsushi shortens his name, right? Seems fair,” Ryouji said, divvying out eggs onto plates. “Besides, Yuki sounds cuter. Isn’t that right, Yu-ki-kun?”

“Uh…” Yuki said, face blanched.

“Then I wanna call him Yuki, too! Is that okay, Yuki-kun?” Riko said, batting her eyes at Yuki.

“Um…”

“Lay off, you guys!” Tetsu snapped, pounding the table.

“Aw, are you jealous?” Riko said, grinning.

Tetsu stood up. “N-no! No I’m not!”

“You can call him Yuki, too, if you want!”

“Th… that’s…”

“Uh, it’s okay,” Yuki said, holding up his hands. “I really don’t care…”

“See? He doesn’t mind,” Ryouji said, walking over to the table balancing plates on his arms. “Tetsu, sit down.”

Tetsu sat down hard, his face red, as Ryouji set down the plates. Everyone immediately dug in, except Yuki, who just stared at his plate of eggs and bacon and felt ill.

“What’s w’ong, not hun’ry?” Riko asked Yuki with half her mouth stuffed with pancakes.

“I just… feel a little sick… _ Jun! _” Yuki reached over and slapped the table, and Jun jumped. “Don’t use your hands!”

Jun dropped the pancake, but his hands were covered in butter and syrup. He tried to pick up a fork and it squeezed out of his grip. Yuki gave an exasperated groan and reached over to wipe Jun’s hands with a napkin.

Ryouji sat down at the end of the table next to Jun. “Here, I got it,” he said. He picked up Jun’s fork and started to cut up the pancake into bite-size pieces. When he was done, he handed the fork to Jun, and the boy immediately got to work trying to spear as many pieces as he could.

Yuki sat back, picking at his own eggs. “Thanks… sorry, he’s just used to using his hands…” he muttered.

Ryouji just shrugged. “Little kids need help with this stuff. I used to do the same thing for these two,” he said, nodding at Riko and Tetsu. “It took forever for Tetsu to learn to use chopsticks, isn’t that right, Tetsu?”

“Ugghh,” Tetsu said, rubbing his face. “Can’t you sit somewhere else?”

“My restaurant, I’ll sit wherever I want,” Ryouji said with a snort. “Hey speaking of which, when are you guys going to start to pay rent?”

Tetsu froze mid-chew. He struggled to swallow, coughing. “Um… I thought you were going to give us more time?”

“I gave you plenty of time already. You’re not a little kid who can’t use chopsticks anymore, Tetsu, you’re almost an adult. We had an agreement,” Ryouji said, leaning on his arm.

“W-what about Yu… Yuki-kun?” Tetsu said.

Ryouji glanced at Yuki. “You too, Yuki-kun. You should help this knucklehead find something useful to do and keep your heads out of trouble,” he said.

Yuki bowed his head and looked at Jun, who was starting to eviscerate the pancake bits. “What about Jun?”

“We can take care of Jun! Isn’t that right, buddy?” Riko said, smiling at Jun. Jun looked up with a mouthful of eggs and pancake and nodded.

“How much are we talking, anyway?” Tetsu said, eyeing Ryouji warily.

Ryouji scratched his head. “Uh… for each of you… about this,” he said, and held up five fingers.

“Five thousand?” Tetsu guessed hopefully.

Ryouji shook his head. “Fifty.”

“_Fifty _ thousand?! A month? For one room?”

“Plus meals,” Ryouji said, nodding at the empty plate in front of Tetsu.

“Th-that’s still crazy!”

“Take it or leave it,” Ryouji said, unmoved.

“I thought you were my friend!”

“Yeah, but I’m also your landlord. Come on, Tetsu. You gotta grow up sometime. Fifty is not that bad.”

“Well then, why can’t I work here? Riko works here.”

“We don’t need anyone else here, and besides, I’m not paying _ you _ to live here.”

Tetsu rounded on Yuki. “Yuki-kun, you think fifty is crazy too, right?”

“Uh…” Yuki said, glancing back and forth between the two.

“I mean, your brother was just super sick! It must have been really expensive to treat him!”

Ryouji’s brows knitted together in confusion. “Wait, how did you pay for that, anyway?”

“Oh, uh… they actually gave me a big discount,” Yuki said, trying to give Ryouji a reassuring smile.

“Hmm…” Ryouji just stared at Yuki, his eyes half-lidded.

“Um, I think fifty is fine,” Yuki said.

Tetsu stood up, shoving his chair back. “Ugh, come on, Yuki-kun!” He grabbed his jacket off the back of the chair and kicked it back towards the table. “We should start looking for jobs, then.”

“My little boy’s all grown up,” Ryouji sniffed.

“Shove it, Ryouji!” Tetsu said, heading for the door.

Yuki stood up and gave a short bow of the head at Ryouji. “Thanks for breakfast,” he said.

“Huh? But you hardly ate any of it…” Ryouji said, glancing at Yuki’s plate.

“Bye Tetsu, bye Yuki!” Riko said, waving.

“That’s Yuki-_ kun! _” Tetsu snapped back.

“Bye bye, Big Brother!” Jun said, waving both hands. He’d given up on the fork and his hands were completely covered in syrup and egg bits again.

“Good luck, be safe, don’t be out late!” Ryouji said.

Tetsu came back and seized Yuki by the shoulders, steering him towards the door. Yuki gave a weak wave back and they were out the door into the street.

Yuki followed behind a fuming Tetsu for a few blocks. Tetsu was stomping around with his hands in his pockets, kicking pebbles along the concrete.

“Stupid Ryouji,” Tetsu muttered, giving a pebble an especially violent kick. “I mean, we’re still kids, right? Why do we have to get jobs?” He glanced back at Yuki. “Right? Fifty thousand yen is like… it’s…” His eyebrows furrowed. “It’s a lot of stuff I’d rather get, that’s what! Don’t you think so?”

“Um… I don’t mind, really,” Yuki said.

Tetsu sighed. “You’re too nice, Yuki-kun, you gotta stand up for yourself sometimes! We should be out having fun, not working!”

Yuki just stared at Tetsu. “‘Having fun’…?”

Tetsu stopped and stared back at Yuki. “Yeah, you know. Going to the movies, playing video games, eating junk food, stuff like that. What sort of stuff do you like to do for fun?”

Yuki tilted his head.

Tetsu rubbed his eyes. “Ugh, see, this is why we can’t be adults yet.”

“But, doesn’t all that stuff cost money?” Yuki said. “So we need to get jobs either way.”

Tetsu looked up and grinned. “Heh, not necessarily.”

It turned out there were a lot of things they could do for fun while spending next to nothing, as long as they didn’t care about things like rules or laws.

Tetsu showed Yuki how to sneak into a movie theater when someone took a back exit. They grabbed the popcorn and sodas left behind after a showing and then jumped from one screen to the next to watch movies. It was a much, much bigger screen than any television Yuki had ever seen, and the audio was so loud he could feel the explosions and gunshots of the action film in his chest. 

When they got bored of movies, they slipped out and Tetsu took Yuki to a nearby arcade. The bright flashing lights and loud noise of the arcade machines made Yuki feel a little tense. Tetsu figured out a way to rig the change machine to get more coins out than the bills they put in, and if he put the coins in the machine just right, he could get them back out and still get credit for a game. Yuki tried a few of the games: he shot zombies in the head with a plastic gun, raced around the world in locations he’d never even heard of, and struggled to pick up toys with a metal crane. The crane’s claw never seemed to close correctly; it just snapped shut as soon as it touched the toy. Tetsu blew the last of the coins on the crane one, trying to get a particularly ugly-looking doll. “It’s rigged,” he had muttered, though Yuki felt like this was only fair considering the coins weren’t theirs to begin with. 

As the sun went down, they shelled out for hamburgers and fries from a fast food restaurant.

“So,” Tetsu said, dunking a french fry into a cup of ketchup. “What do you think? Fun, right?”

Yuki sipped at his soda and glanced at his half-eaten burger. “Y… yeah, I guess,” he said.

“You guess? Come on, we had a great time, right?”

“Yeah, but…”

“But what?”

Yuki looked away. “I don’t know… is this okay?”

“Huh? What do you mean, okay?”

“Like… sneaking into places, and stealing stuff.”

Tetsu gave a derisive snort. “Why wouldn’t it be okay? We can’t afford that stuff, right? So how else do we get it? It’s not like the world is fair. Why should we have to play by the rules?" 

“What if we get in trouble?”

“Like with the cops or something? Don’t worry, they’ve got better things to do around here, I think,” Tetsu said. “’Sides, I won’t let them catch us. You’re safe with me.”

“What about Ryouji-san? I think he really was serious about us paying rent.”

Tetsu frowned and tapped a fry on the table. “Yeah, probably, but… what’s he going to do? Kick us out?”

Yuki stared at the table top and sipped at his soda. He leaned backwards until he was balancing on the back legs of the chair. He still didn’t know Ryouji that well. Maybe he might not kick Tetsu out, but Yuki… “I don’t know, maybe." 

Tetsu pushed away from the table in frustration. “How are we supposed to get a hundred thousand yen, anyway? I’ve never had a job before, have you? I don’t even know what to do.”

Yuki didn’t say anything, just kept looking at the table and leaning backwards and forwards in the chair.

Tetsu sighed. “Okay, listen, I got one more place I want to take you, and then tomorrow, we’ll look for jobs… deal?” Yuki nodded, and Tetsu smiled. “Cool, let’s get out of here, then." 

* * *

The “place” turned out to be a nightclub with a weird name, “Wack Sapp”. Tetsu and Yuki descended a set of stairs into a basement. When they opened the door, a blast of sound hit Yuki and made him step backwards. He was just about to turn and go back up the stairs, but Tetsu grabbed his sleeve and pulled him into the club.

The room was dark, but there were a lot of flashing lights around in different colors. The club was thronged with teenagers and young adults. They were mostly clustered together in small groups, laughing and talking and sipping drinks. There was a small dance floor with a DJ blasting electronic music, where a handful of people were dancing. The bar was overflowing with people trying to order drinks. Around the room were low tables and plush couches, some of them cordoned off by long curtains that fell from the ceiling. The air was thick with cigarette smoke, the heavy scent of hard liquor, and the stench of sweat. The music and the roar of conversation were so loud it was difficult to hear much of anything. Tetsu was saying something, but Yuki couldn’t make it out.

“What?” Yuki said.

“I SAID, ‘LET’S TRY TO GET DRINKS!’” Tetsu shouted back.

“Oh,” Yuki said. “But—”

Tetsu was already dragging Yuki towards the bar. They had to weave through the crowd to get there, and Yuki got elbowed more than a few times on the way. Some of the kids gave him weird looks as he passed. Yuki felt unusually plain next to their bright hair styles and mis-matched fashions, and he stuck close to Tetsu, hoping they could just get their drinks and get out of here as soon as they could.

Yuki was glad Tetsu was there, because Tetsu had to practically climb onto the bar to get a bartender to serve them. The bartender just gave Tetsu and Yuki a bemused look before mixing a couple of drinks and handing them over. Tetsu handed over a couple bills and extricated himself from the masses at the bar, his spot quickly taken by another. Tetsu held out the drink to Yuki.

Yuki leaned in close so he didn’t have to scream to be heard. “What is it?” he asked.

“It’s just a chuhai,” Tetsu said, shrugging. When Yuki stared at him, he explained, “Fruit soda and shochu.”

“Oh,” Yuki said, though he didn’t really get it. He sniffed it, but it just smelled like peaches. “Is there alcohol in this?”

Tetsu just laughed.

Yuki took a sip. It tasted mostly like carbonated water and sugar and peaches. There was a bit of an aftertaste that reminded him of drinking sake, but it was faint. He took another sip.

“Come on, let’s find somewhere to sit,” Tetsu said in Yuki’s ear.

They squeezed their way back through the crowd. Every table and booth they went to was already taken. They passed by one that had just one person sitting at it; Yuki was about to pass it by, but Tetsu stopped.

“YANCHA! HEY, YANCHA!” Tetsu shouted at the boy.

The boy looked up, and when he saw Tetsu, his face split into a wide grin. “HEY, IF IT ISN’T TETSU!” he shouted back. He stood up as Tetsu approached and held his fist out. Yuki stood back, sipping his drink and watching Tetsu and the boy do a complicated series of fist bumps. The boy – _ Yancha? “Rascal”? What a weird name _, Yuki thought – laughed and clapped Tetsu on the back. He looked a bit eccentric; he had a lot of piercings, even in his nose, and his hair was spiked with green dye. His heavy leather jacket had a bunch of patches on it and had been purposefully ripped in places. “How are you doing, man? Haven’t seen you in forever. So you finally got out of that shithole?” Yancha said. He took a drag from a cigarette, and waved at the couches. “Sit down, sit down.”

Tetsu sat across from Yancha, and Yuki sat next to Tetsu, clutching his drink. Sitting down on the other side of a curtain, it was a little easier to hear.

Yancha nodded at Yuki. “Who’s this?”

Tetsu glanced at Yuki. “Oh, this is my friend, Yukio.”

Yukio nodded.

“And this is Yancha,” Tetsu said, gesturing to the boy. “We used to be at the same orphanage.”

“Yo,” Yancha said, holding up a hand. “Yeah, that place was fucking hell. But it was still better than this, am I right?”

Yuki raised an eyebrow. “Um, ‘Yancha’?” 

Tetsu folded his arms. “Yancha’s not his real name,” he said to Yuki.

“No shit,” Yancha said.

“Why do you go by it, then?” Yuki said.

Yancha took another drag of the cigarette. “Apparently, I was not a very good kid, right, Tetsu?”

Tetsu laughed. “He was legendary,” he said.

“Been told I was a _ bad influence _ on the other kids, but I think that was a load of bullshit.” Yancha pulled a pack of cigarettes out of the pocket of his jacket and shook it until a new cigarette popped out. He held out the pack towards Tetsu and Yuki. “Want one?”

Tetsu reached out and pulled two from the pack while Yuki was hesitating. He held one out to Yuki. Yuki shook his head, and Tetsu shrugged. Yancha pulled out a lighter and tossed it to Tetsu. Tetsu clicked the lighter and a small flame burst out.

Yuki froze. The sound dropped away and the lights dimmed. His heart pounded in his ears and the room tilted sideways. His whole back ached.

A hand settled on his shoulder, and Yuki jumped. The pulsing bass of the music, the flash of the lights, all rushed back in. The room snapped back into place.

“You okay?” Tetsu said, pulling the lit cigarette from his mouth, smoke curling around his face.

“Guy’s fucked up, you should probably take that drink away,” Yancha said.

“It’s nothing, I’m fine,” Yuki said, but he put the empty glass down on the table anyway. He couldn’t tell if the alcohol was affecting him, but it seemed to burn in his gut and spread heat through his legs. The lights looked fuzzy and when he moved his head, his vision sort of dragged behind. He plucked at his shirt to unstick it from the sweat on his chest. 

It was hard not to think of the last time he’d had a drink, how the colors had all blurred together, how that relaxing numbness had stolen away his ability to move, to see, to fight back-

_ No, not here, not now, _ Yuki thought desperately. Knowing that was in the past - that he was in no particular danger now, that Tetsu and this stranger probably wouldn’t hurt him - didn’t help at all. The alcohol just made it easier for the memory and the panic to surge through him unimpeded. His heart leapt against his chest like a caged bird trying to break free. He was pulling air in and out of his nose in strained bursts that went completely unheard amidst the pulsing bass of the music in the background. The effort to appear normal had him sitting frozen on the couch while the ghosts of past horrors played behind his eyes.

Yancha raised an eyebrow at him, but turned his attention back to Tetsu. “So what have you been up to these days?” 

Tetsu shrugged. “Nothing, just bumming around. I’ve been staying with Ryouji, remember him?”

“Oh, yeah! He was pretty cool.”

Tetsu snorted. “No, he’s fucking lame. Just told me this morning he wants me to start paying rent. Fifty thousand.”

“No shit? In this dump?”

“Right?”

“What are you going to do then?”

“I don’t fucking know, gotta get a job I guess.”

Yancha sat forward and stubbed his cigarette out in an ashtray on the table. “Hey, I got an idea,” he said, clapping the ash from his hands. “You should work for me.”

“_You _ have your own business?” Tetsu said with a laugh.

“Not exactly, but I work for some guys who do, and I think we could hook you up.”

“What do you guys do?”

Yancha shrugged. “A little bit of this, a little of that. Odd jobs, you know? But mostly, I’m a distributor.”

Yuki had been pulling himself towards the sound of Tetsu and Yancha’s voices like an anchor in a storm. He rolled his neck and tried to shake off the feeling of terrified helplessness the buzz from the alcohol had brought back. Yuki gave Yancha an uneasy look. “Distributor for what?” he said, voice breaking a little.

Yancha gave Yuki a sly grin, and reached inside his jacket. He pulled out a very small bag and tossed it to Yuki.

Yuki held it up to the flashing lights. The bag was filled with a powdery substance.

“What the fuck, are those drugs?” Tetsu said, snatching the bag from Yuki’s hands.

Yancha shrugged. “Well, yes and no.” He held his hand out, and Tetsu handed the bag back over. Yancha tucked it back into the lining of his jacket. “It’s nothing illegal, just not exactly legal in those quantities, if you know what I mean.”

“I can’t sling drugs for you,” Tetsu said, frowning.

“Relax, I wasn’t asking you to. I don’t just work with drugs. I get asked to do all kinds of stuff… deliver things, gather information. It’ll give you a chance to get to know the neighborhood, and you can get your rent money. It’s a good deal, right?”

Tetsu leaned forward. “How much are we talking here?”

Yancha reached into the other side of his jacket, and pulled out a small package. He held it up. “Ten thousand for the first one,” he said. “All you gotta do is take this to the address on the top.” He pointed at a small white label on the front of the package. “When that’s done, call me and I’ll arrange the next one. So, you two in?”

Tetsu glanced back at Yuki. Yuki looked from Yancha to Tetsu, to the package in Yancha’s hand.

His gut was telling him this was exactly the wrong path that Ryouji had been telling him about. On the other hand, hanging out with Tetsu was the most fun he’d had since he could remember. If they didn’t get caught, then what did it matter?

And if it didn’t work out, well… there were other ways to make money. Worse ways.

Yuki nodded. Tetsu looked back and took the package from Yancha.

“Great to be working with you!” Yancha said with a smile. 

* * *

The address on the package wasn’t difficult to find. It was an apartment in an enormous, run-down complex. Tetsu rang the doorbell and they both waited anxiously in front of the door.

The man who answered the door looked at the two teenagers, frowning in suspicion. Tetsu held out the package, and the man dug through his pants pockets before fishing out a wad of thousand-yen bills. He handed the bills to Tetsu and they made the swap. The man slammed the door in their faces.

Tetsu and Yuki ran away. Only once they’d put some distance between them and the apartment did the relief set in, and they started to laugh.

“What do you think was in there?” Yuki said.

“Who cares? We got paid, right?” Tetsu said. He nudged Yuki with his elbow. “See, there’s nothing to worry about. We just do these jobs, and we’ll have more than enough to pay rent. Ryouji can’t complain.”

“Yeah… yeah, I guess so.”

They were walking through an area that Yuki was starting to recognize. Anxiety twisted his stomach as they walked past bar after bar.

Tetsu eyed a small group of girls in short skirts and low-cut tops. He nudged Yuki again. “Hey, Yuki-kun, check it out. Do you think they’re…?”

Yuki blushed and looked away. “How should I know?”

Tetsu chuckled. “Ugh, who would actually pay to sleep with them? I mean, it’s gotta be pretty gross, right? They must’ve slept with like a hundred guys by now. They probably have all kinds of diseases or something.”

Yuki walked faster, Tetsu jogging to keep up.

“Maybe that stuff for Yancha is not the sort of thing that Ryouji would want us to do,” Tetsu said, pulling the extra cigarette out of his pocket and lighting it. “But at least we’re better than them, right?”

Yuki winced. “Y… yeah, sure.”

They turned a corner and left the bars and the girls behind.


	15. Family - 家族

Yuki and Tetsu continued to run jobs for Yancha: delivering orders, scoping out locations, gathering information. They never asked what any of it was for, and Yancha never told them. From the amount of money exchanging hands, Yuki knew it couldn’t be anything particularly legal; but it was so mundane, so easy, that it was difficult to turn down. Still, he kept his folding knife in his pocket. 

After the first two weeks, they had the money to pay the rent Ryouji requested. They didn’t tell Ryouji where the money came from, but Ryouji probably knew it wasn’t honest work. Whenever he could, he nagged them to get decent jobs somewhere in the neighborhood… but he took the money anyway.

Some jobs paid so well that they had more than enough leftover to buy the things they wanted without needing to steal or cheat for it. Most of Yuki’s extra money ended up going towards things for Jun; he never grew tired of being able to buy Jun the food he wanted, or seeing Jun’s face light up when he received a new book or toy. For Jun it took the sting off of being cooped up at the café all the time instead of following his big brother around.

The jobs weren’t always fun or easy. Sometimes, they were downright boring… as the job was today.

Yuki leaned against a bicycle rack, rocking his weight back and forth onto his sneakers. It was a relatively busy area of town, especially at night, but he had his eyes fixed on a building across the street. He was watching the people walking around in front of it. Mostly, it was just salarymen on the way home, or coworkers bar hopping, or couples on dates. A sleek black car pulled up to the curb, and Yuki perked up, staring intently at it. A couple men in suits got out, and the car turned down a narrow street next to the building. The men looked around and followed it.

“Spot something?” Tetsu said, and Yuki nearly slipped off the bike rack.

“Shit,” Yuki said, regaining his footing. He glanced back at Tetsu, who was holding up a white plastic bag with one hand. “When’d you get back?”

“Just now. Uh, they were all out of that one you asked for, so I grabbed a few different ones.” Tetsu held out the bag and Yuki took it. Rummaging through it, he pulled out a small canned coffee and handed the bag back to Tetsu.

Tetsu dug through the bag and pulled out one of the other coffee cans. “So? Did you spot something?”

Yuki shrugged and sipped from his coffee can. “Yeah, just a lot of guys in suits. There’s a main entrance in front, but I think there must be a side entrance they’re using.”

Tetsu wrinkled his nose. “It’s just a bar, right? ‘Club Guzzlaff’? What kind of name is that?”

“Probably not just a bar by the look of these guys,” Yuki said, frowning.

Tetsu raised an eyebrow and glanced back at Yuki. “What? Yakuza?”

Yuki shrugged.

“Come on. How do you know?”

“Just do,” Yuki said, taking a gulp of the can. “They’re easy enough to spot.”

“This is Seidoukai territory, right? Why’s Yancha so interested in it?”

“What else? Probably something to do with money,” Yuki said.

Tetsu looked across the street, his eyebrows furrowing. “Yuki-kun, some kid is like, staring at you.”

“Huh?” Yuki tried to follow Tetsu’s gaze across the street. Eventually his eyes connected with a teenage boy standing with a small group on the other side of the street. He was wearing a backwards baseball cap, and he looked vaguely familiar.

“You know that guy?” Tetsu said.

“Uh, I don’t think so?”

“Well, he must know you, because he’s staring daggers at you.”

Yuki jumped away from the bike rack and tossed the empty coffee can aside. “Maybe we should bail out of here…”

“Probably a good idea,” Tetsu said, following Yuki’s lead. Their departure was definitely noticed; the kid in the hat darted across the street towards him, narrowly avoiding a car. His two friends struggled to keep up. 

Yuki and Tetsu slipped down an alley, and from the sound of footsteps behind him, the three kids were following, and gaining fast. Yuki and Tetsu broke into a run. They turned down another alleyway, but the exit was mostly blocked by a large truck.

“Shit,” Tetsu said, skidding to a halt. They turned around, but the three kids had already caught up at the other end of the alley. 

Yuki turned to confront them, slipping his hand into his pocket to grab the folding knife. “What do you want?”

The kid with the baseball cap smirked and tossed something at Yuki. Yuki jumped back, and an empty coffee can clattered against the pavement. “You dropped something. You collect these, right? What was it, Yugio? Yukio?”

Yuki’s brows knitted together in confusion. “Uh, do I know you?”

The kid crossed his arms. “What, you don’t remember shoving a bunch of fucking cans in my face, sewer trash?” 

Yuki stared at him. He remembered Halloween decorations in a window, and the sound of laughter, and a kid swinging a fist at him. He backed up towards the truck. 

“Yeah, see, I told you it’s him,” the kid said to one of his buddies.

“Ken-chan… let’s just do it so we can get out of here,” his buddy said.

Tetsu stepped in front of Yuki. “What, are you looking for a fight, fatass?”

Ken turned to glare at Tetsu, and snorted. “Who the fuck is this, your boyfriend?” he said to Yuki. “Why don’t you step back before I snap your glasses in half, Four Eyes.”

Tetsu stormed towards Ken, and one of his buddies stepped in front of him. Yuki had to leap forward to pull Tetsu back. 

“Don’t,” Yuki muttered to Tetsu in a low voice. While everyone’s attention was on Tetsu, he slipped his hand behind his back and pried open the blade of the folding knife with his thumb.

“What, afraid your boy’s going to get his ass kicked?” the boy said.

“No, I’d just hate to see you embarrass yourselves again,” Yuki shot back.

Ken stepped up next to his friend. “Why don’t you crawl back in your hole, sewer rat? Go back to eating shit,” he snarled.

“At least it’d be better than being a piece of shit like you,” Yuki snapped.

Ken lunged at Yuki, but Tetsu jumped in the way. In an instant it was a brawl. In the scuffle, Ken body-checked Yuki against a wall, but Yuki was ready for it. He whipped his hand around and brought the blade of the pocket knife to Ken’s neck. 

Everything stopped as quickly as it started. One of the boys was struggling to contain the blood gushing from his nose; the other was trying to pin Tetsu to the ground. Tetsu’s glasses had fallen off and one of the lenses was cracked. Ken was panting, his hands still clutching Yuki’s shoulders and shaking slightly. The stench of Ken’s sweat and bad breath filled Yuki’s nostrils, and the metallic taste of blood was in his mouth. 

“No fair, bringing a knife to a fist fight,” Ken muttered.

“And three against two’s fair?” Yuki said, pressing the blade so it just pricked the skin of Ken’s neck.

Ken scoffed, and let go of Yuki’s shoulders. He slowly held up his hands. “Alright, you win, sewer rat,” he said. He gestured with his hand and the boy holding Tetsu let go and stepped back. Yuki pulled the knife away from Ken’s neck, and Ken stepped back to join his two friends. “This isn’t over,” Ken said, pointing at Yuki. “Next time, we’ll…”

There was the roar of an engine and a loud rumble, and the truck blocking the alleyway began to move. Yuki turned to look, and Ken and his friends took the opportunity to run back the way they came, leaving Tetsu and Yuki alone in the alley. 

Tetsu picked up his glasses and rose shakily to his feet. “You okay?” he asked Yuki, putting the glasses back on. 

“Yeah, but I think I bit my cheek,” Yuki said, spitting blood on the pavement.

“Take it you’ve run into these assholes before?” Tetsu said, brushing dirt from his jacket.

Yuki folded the knife and shoved it back in his pocket. He turned and started to leave the alley past where the truck had once been. “Um, once, but I guess it made an impression.”

Tetsu sniffed and rubbed at a spot of blood on his cheek. “It’s a good thing you had that knife, or we would have been fucked. Where’d you get that, anyway?”

They were back on the streets again, heading towards home. “Had it for a while,” Yuki said.

“Oh.” Tetsu walked alongside Yuki, his hands in his jacket pockets.

Yuki glanced to the side, taking in the crack in Tetsu’s glasses, the bruise forming next to his eye, the blood splattered on Tetsu’s jacket. “Um… I’m sorry… you didn’t have to help,” Yuki muttered.

Tetsu looked at Yuki in surprise. “Huh? Of course I was going to help. We’re friends, right? Friends have each other’s back.” Yuki looked up at Tetsu, stunned, and Tetsu grinned. “‘Sides, it was pretty funny hearing you trash talk that guy. I’ve never seen that side of you,” Tetsu said, chuckling.

Yuki blushed. “It wasn’t that funny…”

“Haha, sorry. I’m just glad we made it out of that okay.” As they drew closer to home, the crowds thinned out and the streets were quieter. Tetsu’s eyes darted back and forth between the shop fronts and Yuki. “Um, Yuki-kun… about what that kid said…”

“What about it?” Yuki said, his heart starting to race. He tried not to look at Tetsu.

“It wasn’t true, was it? That stuff about the sewer? He was just shit-talking you, right?”

“Y… yeah, he was just being a jerk,” Yuki said, but his face was red.

Tetsu stared at him for a moment and looked away. “’Cause I mean, I don’t care if you did. Live in the sewer. I just…”

“Just what?” Yuki said, stopping in his tracks. “Feel bad for me?”

Tetsu stopped as well, his mouth gaping open. “What? No, I…”

“You do, you’re making that dumb face.” Yuki stepped towards Tetsu, his arms trembling as he balled his fists at his sides. “Look, I don’t need you to feel bad for me, okay? I can take care of myself. I’ve always taken care of myself. So stay out of it and leave me alone. I don’t need your help, and I don’t need you.”

The look of hurt and confusion on Tetsu’s face melted into anger. “Because you were doing so well when your brother was almost dead and you smelled like shit?” he said.

Yuki clenched his teeth and turned away, walking back in the opposite direction. 

“Ugh… wait, Yuki-kun!” Tetsu said. He started to follow Yuki, and Yuki broke into a run. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…”

“Just get away from me!” Yuki called back, and kept running. He didn’t stop until he’d left Tetsu far behind. He fell to his knees panting on the grass in a park, listening to the chirps of insects and the muffled noises of the city.

When he caught his breath, he wandered over to a set of swings and sat down on one, rocking back and forth and staring at the ground. His back hurt, his shoulders ached, his cheek stung, and his stomach was twisted. Part of him was still angry about what Tetsu had said. He considered going back for Jun and leaving Tetsu and Ryouji and Riko behind. What did he need any of them for, anyway? He could take care of himself and Jun just fine on his own. He could. He didn’t need anyone’s help. 

Another part of him whispered that what Tetsu had said wasn’t wrong. He and Jun had nearly starved to death. Jun would be dead right now if they hadn’t bumped into Tetsu. Without Tetsu, he wouldn’t have met Ryouji. Without Ryouji, he wouldn’t have found a safe place to stay for Jun to recover. Without Riko, Jun would be alone and bored all day, waiting for his brother to come home. 

Without them, he and Jun would be alone, and they’d have nothing.

_ “We’re friends, right?” _

Was that what they were? What did it mean to be friends? 

In the end, did Ruby think of him as a friend? If he and Hiroshi had truly been friends, shouldn’t Yuki have helped ease Hiroshi’s pain?

_ “Friends have each other’s back.” _

Tetsu was always nice to him, and never asked for anything. He was probably back home by now, with a crack in his glasses and a bruise on his face, all because he’d stood in the way of the blows meant for Yuki. 

There was a rustling sound nearby, and Yuki flinched, peering into the darkness. For a moment he thought he might see Tetsu, but it wasn’t him. It was a homeless man pacing around the edge of the park, looking for a spot to sleep. Yuki looked around the park, noticing where he was for the first time since he’d sat down. There was the spot where Yuki and Jun used to sleep under a tree, and there was the water fountain where they’d drink on hot days. In that moment it was all too easy to picture going back to the way things were.

Yuki jumped out of the swing and left the park behind. His feet felt heavy as he made his way back to Ryouji’s place. When he got to the entrance he hesitated, feeling nauseated. Gulping down the lump in his throat, he pushed open the front door.

The café was mostly dark, except for a light over the bar. Ryouji was sitting on a stool at the bar sorting through piles of receipts. When he heard the door open, he turned his head slightly. “Sorry, we’re closed,” he said.

“Um… it’s just me,” Yuki said.

Ryouji spun around in surprise. “Oh, Yuki-kun, there you are! Tetsu told me you guys ran into some trouble while you were out? Are you okay?”

Yuki walked towards the bar, heading for the door to the stairs. “Y-yeah, I’m fine.”

Ryouji drummed a pen on the receipts, looking Yuki up and down. “Tetsu has the first aid kit, if you need it.”

“Thanks, but I’m fine, really…”

“I see, that’s good. Still, could you check on Tetsu for me? He seemed kind of down when he got back, I was worried.”

Yuki bit his lip. “Uh, sure.”

“Thanks. Good night,” Ryouji said, giving a small wave before turning back to his receipts.

“Night,” Yuki said, and headed upstairs. He hovered outside Tetsu’s door, listening to the soft hum of music inside. As he was hesitating, there was the click of a door, and Riko’s head popped out of her room.

“Yuki!” she whispered. “Did you just get back?” Yuki nodded. “I put Jun to bed in your room already. Tetsu came back a bit ago with a super pissy sour look on his face. Did you guys get into a fight? He was all beat up.”

“Yeah, sort of…” Yuki whispered back. 

“Were you the one who punched him? ‘Cause I mean, I wouldn’t blame you,” she said, snickering.

“No!”

“Then why’s he so mopey? God, boys are so dumb.”

The music in Tetsu’s room abruptly cut out. There was another clicking sound, and Yuki jumped as the door opened in front of him. He squinted as light flooded the hallway. 

“What are you two whispering about out here?” Tetsu grumbled.

“Nooothing,” Riko sang back in a cheerful voice. “Good night!” She waved and her head disappeared as her door snapped shut.

Tetsu turned his attention back to Yuki, and the irritated look changed to a look of exhaustion. “Yuki-kun… um, what are you doing here?”

“Ryouji wanted me to check on you,” Yuki mumbled.

“Oh… well as you can see, I’m fine,” Tetsu droned. “So… good night.”

“Night…” Tetsu started to pull the door closed, but before it could shut, Yuki shot his foot out and wedged it in the crack of the door. The door banged painfully against his big toe. “Ow,” Yuki said.

Tetsu pulled the door away from Yuki’s foot in surprise. “What?”

“Um, actually, can I talk to you?” Yuki said.

Tetsu hesitated, and stepped away from the door. “Sure.” 

Yuki stepped inside Tetsu’s room, and Tetsu shut the door behind him. Tetsu had thrown his jacket onto the couch; the blood stains were just barely visible on the black fabric in the warm light. 

Tetsu kicked his boots aside from where they’d been sitting in the middle of the floor. He sat down heavily on the end of his bed and folded his arms. “So? What is it?”

Yuki sat down on the couch, edging away from the jacket. “Um… I’m sorry about what I said earlier.” Yuki started to toy with a loose thread on his hoodie, so he wouldn’t have to look at Tetsu. “I hadn’t really expected to run into those guys, or have to explain it to you… I kind of panicked…”

The bed creaked as Tetsu leaned forward. “Why? Because what they said was true?”

Yuki winced, and nodded. 

Tetsu sighed. “You know it’s actually not, though, right? That’s what I was trying to say. You’re not trash,” he said. Yuki looked up, though he couldn’t bring himself to meet Tetsu’s eyes. “I get that you’re embarrassed about your past, but I don’t really care. I’d never think you were gross or something just because you lived in a sewer. If anything, I’m just sorry I didn’t meet you sooner.” Tetsu rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m sorry about what I said, too. I just. What am I to you, Yuki-kun? Do you think of me as a friend?”

Yuki looked away. 

“I know you can take care of yourself. I do. You saved our butts back there. But, just because you need help sometimes doesn’t make you weak. Everyone needs help sometimes.”

Yuki could feel his eyes prickling. He rubbed at them. 

Tetsu stood up and walked towards Yuki. “I’m kind of tired, so… can we talk about this more later?” 

Yuki shot up. “Uh, y-yeah, sure.” He looked up to see Tetsu give a weak smile in return. Yuki looked away and walked to the door, Tetsu trailing behind him. Tetsu stepped forward to open the door for him. Yuki hesitated.

“What?” Tetsu said, leaning against the door.

“Um… thanks, Tetsu-kun,” Yuki said. “For helping me.”

Tetsu smiled. “Just Tetsu is okay. And you don’t have to thank me. We’re friends, right?”

“R… right,” Yuki said, and Tetsu looked a little less tired. Yuki stepped out into the hallway.

“Hey, can I call you Yuki?” Tetsu said. Backlit against the light from the room, it was difficult to tell, but his face looked red.

Yuki stared at him. “Oh… sure, I guess,” he said.

“Cool. Night,” Tetsu said. “I’m, um. Glad you’re okay.”

Yuki looked down at his feet. “Good night,” he said, and turned towards his own room. He heard the door shut quietly behind him. 

* * *

Yuki had never meant to stay. Get Jun healthy again, earn some money, and leave; that had been the plan. He always told himself that they’d stay just one more day, and they’d be gone. One more day always became another day, and another. The days became weeks. The air grew colder, and then warmer again. 

In the summer they ran the ceiling fans in the restaurant, but it was still hot and humid. The heat made Tetsu and Yuki sluggish, and (to Ryouji’s annoyance) they often spent time bumming around the café so they didn’t have to go outside. They’d sit at the bar watching TV for hours, waiting for a call from Yancha with another assignment.

Jun would often sit with them, though he didn’t really understand any of Tetsu and Yuki’s conversations. He’d color or read books, and if he got bored, he’d turn to watch TV in the upper corner instead.

The after-school cartoons had ended and switched over to the news. Jun watched intently as the newscasters babbled on, showing clips of men in hazmat suits and long stretches of destroyed buildings and wasteland.

Jun turned away from the TV and shook Yuki by the shoulder. “Brother? Hey, Big Brother?”

Yuki glanced back at Jun. “What’s up?”

“What’s a pooted zone?”

“Hmm?” Yuki looked up at the TV. “Oh, it’s ‘polluted’ zone.”

“What’s that?”

“Um…” Yuki looked back at Tetsu, who only shrugged in response. “Well… a long time ago, before you were born, there was a big war… and after the fighting, some areas were destroyed…” Yuki hesitated, seeing the blank expression on Jun’s face. “Uh, they’re like, bad areas that will make you sick.”

Jun’s eyes widened. “Oh.” He looked between the TV and Yuki. “Can we go see?”

“There’s not much to see, bud, it’s just a big wasteland. And like I said, it’ll make you sick. That’s why those guys are wearing those funny suits.”

“You mean there’s no buildings?”

“I don’t think so, just a lot of nothing stretching to the horizon.”

Jun stared at Yuki. “I want to see!”

Tetsu laughed. “You’re doing a good job selling it, Yuki.”

Yuki looked back and forth between the two of them. “What? But… no, really, it’s not that fun, Jun. It’s not like we can even get close enough to see it. Besides, it’s hot outside.”

Tetsu sat up straight. “Actually, I know a way we can see it,” he said.

“Really?” Jun said. “I wanna go!”

Yuki shot Tetsu a glare. “Tetsu…”

“I wanna go! I wanna go!” Jun said, slapping the bar with his hands. 

Tetsu gave Yuki a sheepish grin. “It’s a little bit of a walk but we should get there by sundown.”

Jun shook Yuki by the arm. “Please? Pleeassee?”

Yuki sighed. “Okay, fine. But just to look! We’re not going in there!”

Jun gave a cheer and leapt off the stool. His legs buckled and he nearly face-planted onto the ground. Before Yuki could get to him to help, Jun was already back on his feet and hovering by the door. As soon as Yuki and Tetsu opened the door, he was out running ahead of them.

They walked until they found the fence separating the area from the polluted zone, and began to follow it. As they walked, the noise and bustle of the city fell away. The afternoon sun beat down on them. Jun’s pounding feet echoed around them as he raced ahead.

Yuki walked alongside Tetsu, watching Jun’s tiny figure out in front of them. “Don’t run too far ahead, Jun!” Yuki called after the boy.

“I’m okay!” Jun shouted back.

“He’s going to crash hard,” Tetsu said, chuckling.

Yuki swung his overshirt back and forth from one hand. “Yeah, that’s just one of the things I’m afraid of. He’s not as little as he used to be. Carrying him in this heat is going to be a huge pain.”

“It’s been almost a year, right? How old is he now, almost five right?”

Yuki nodded. “Yeah, can’t believe it.”

“Ryouji’s been talking about taking Jun to a temple in November for  _ shichigosan _ . You ever do anything like that?”

Yuki stared at Tetsu and shook his head. “A temple? I don’t really remember… what for?”

“Uh, it’s some old-fashioned thing to celebrate kids turning age three, five, and seven… well, five for boys. Way back when kids didn’t often live that long, or something.”

“So, it’s like, celebrating that they made it? Kinda dark,” Yuki said, snickering. “That’s cool, I guess.” He watched Jun running around ahead of them, only stopping to peer through the fence and glance back to make sure they were still following. Yuki frowned. “There’s definitely been times I wasn’t sure if he’d make it. I’m always just kinda waiting for something to go wrong again.”

Tetsu kicked at the dirt as they walked. “You still don’t know what’s wrong with him?”

Yuki shrugged. “The doctor said something or other about his immune system, but, I don’t really get it. I just know it means he gets sick easily.” Yuki looked away to watch the abandoned and destroyed buildings scroll by on the other side of the fence. “I know he gets sick of being cooped up all the time, but… I don’t really know what else to do… It’s not like we can take him with us on jobs or anything.”

“Yeah, I guess not,” Tetsu said. “Have you thought about sending him to school? He should be old enough to go to kindergarten or day care, right?”

Yuki froze for a second, before starting to walk again. “No, I… I hadn’t really thought about it…”

“He seems pretty smart. Like, he’s already reading books and everything.”

“Well like, picture books, little kid books.”

“Still…”

“I guess I’m just… what if something happens to him? What if one of the other kids gets him sick?” Yuki said, twisting the shirt in his hands.

Tetsu frowned. “It’s not like Ryouji and Riko can babysit him forever… he should be playing with other kids his age, not sitting in a bar drinking soda and watching TV for hours…”

“I know that, okay?!” Yuki snapped, and Tetsu flinched. Yuki looked away. “Sorry. I mean, I know. I know all that stuff. I just…”

“What are you guys talking about?” Jun said from three feet away, and Yuki and Tetsu jumped. 

“N-nothing, Jun,” Yuki said, trying to smile. 

“Are you fighting?” 

“We’re just talking,” Tetsu said, adjusting his glasses.

“Oh. Boring stuff?”

“Suuuper boring big kid stuff.”

“Oh,” Jun said, pouting. He turned to Yuki and tugged on his arm. “Brother, I’m tired and my feet hurt. How much farther?”

“We’re almost there,” Tetsu said.

“You already said that,” Jun whined.

“We are, I promise.”

Jun reached up towards Yuki’s chest. “Brotheerrr, carry meeee,” he said.

Yuki shot Tetsu a look that said ‘I told you so.’ He tied the overshirt around his waist and crouched down on the ground. Jun clambered onto Yuki’s back and Yuki hooked his arms under Jun’s legs. As he stood back up, Jun squealed and threw his arms around Yuki’s neck.

It wasn’t long before Jun was fast asleep, his arms draped across Yuki’s shoulders, drool leaking out of the side of his mouth onto the back of Yuki’s neck. Yuki and Tetsu continued walking in silence; Yuki didn’t have the breath to do much more than carry Jun, anyway. They eventually came to a spot where the fence had fallen into disrepair, and they were able to squeeze past it. Sweat dribbled down Yuki’s forehead as he followed Tetsu up a large hill, keeping his eyes on the ground to avoid losing his footing in the dirt.

“Yuki!” Tetsu called, and Yuki looked up to see Tetsu standing at the crest of the hill and pointing off into the distance. “Look!”

Yuki trudged the last few steps up the hill to stand next to Tetsu. He looked off to follow where Tetsu was pointing, and his breath caught in his chest.

They were overlooking a vast, empty plain that stretched for miles towards the horizon. It might have once been part of a city, but there was hardly anything left of what it used to be. Long black shadows shot across the landscape where the sunlight met the straggling remains of what had once been: a set of telephone wires, some rocks and rubble, the foundation of a building. The sun was just starting to sink below the horizon, and the heat rising off the ground created a wave of distortion that rippled the bright disc of the sun. Where once there might have been the noise of the city, there was now nothing but the wind whipping across the plain and whistling in Yuki’s ears. 

It was both beautiful and haunting at the same time. All the life, all the memories, all of what had once been, all gone with hardly a trace left. Yet the absence of everything left a calm stillness, and for the first time in a while, Yuki felt especially aware of his own heartbeat, of the air pulling in and out of his lungs, of the blood pumping through his veins. The wind chilled the sweat on his forehead and pulled away the anxiety that had been weighing on him. 

There was nothing left of everyone who had once been here, and yet, here he stood.

“Woah,” Yuki said, breaking the silence. “It’s amazing…”

“This is as close as you can get to the polluted zone,” Tetsu said, putting his hands on his hips. “You can’t see this on the other side of the fence, right?”

“It’s like the sun is melting into the ground…” He stood for a moment, letting the wind brush through his hair as he watched the sunlight ripple at the horizon. “Thanks, Tetsu,” he said.

“Hmm?”

“I… If I hadn’t run into you that time, I don’t think I ever would have seen something like this.”

Tetsu didn’t respond; Yuki could see him staring out of the corner of his eye. Yuki looked back and gave Jun a shake. “Hey, wake up, Jun. You said you wanted to see the horizon, right?”

Jun murmured as he stirred awake, and blinked as his eyes adjusted to the scene in front of him. As he took in what he was seeing, his eyes went wide. “Ah… wow! It’s amazing! Amazing!” he said, rocking excitedly as he held onto Yuki’s shoulders. “The sun’s melting into the ground!”

Tetsu busted up laughing. “Hahaha, he said the same thing!”

They stayed until the sun sank below the horizon, and then they turned back towards home. 

* * *

“Isn’t he just the cutest?!” Ryouji said, kneeling to take another picture.

Jun stood in the center of the café while Ryouji took pictures, looking more than a little irritable. It’d taken most of the morning to get him into the kimono,  _ hakama _ pants, and  _ haori _ jacket he had on; he kept peeling layers off and had to be forced back into them. Ryouji had to fall back on the oldest trick in the book: a bribe. Jun was making his way through a third cookie, and the only thing keeping him in the heavy outfit while Ryouji took photos was the promise of candy at the end of all this.

Riko was also snapping pictures on her phone. “Absolutely the cutest!” she said to Ryouji.

Jun gave Yuki a beleaguered, desperate look. “How much longer?” he said.

“Just a couple more shots,” Ryouji said.

“You said that already,” Jun grumbled. He wiped some of the crumbs off on his long sleeves, and Riko shot forward to brush them off.

It was a beautiful outfit, the fabric heavy and elaborately patterned, with pictures of cranes on the jacket. It was a little faded and frayed, betraying its age, but Yuki had to admit that the effect of such a traditional grown-up outfit on little Jun was both breath-taking and amusing at the same time. 

“We should really get going if we’re going to make the ceremony,” Tetsu said, glancing at the clock on the wall.

“Okay, okay,” Ryouji said, straightening up and shoving the camera in his pocket. 

Jun perked up. “We’re leaving now? Are we all going?”

“That’s right! This place is closed for the day.”

“Yay!”

It took a little bit longer to get everyone out of the café and outside, and then they were on their way. Ryouji and Riko lead the group, with Yuki holding Jun’s hand, and Tetsu walking alongside. It was a crisp, cold November day, and even in his winter jacket, Yuki shivered a bit.

The nearest Shinto shrine was several blocks away, and by the time they arrived, they had all warmed up considerably. The shrine was all decked out for the holiday, the path leading to the shrine lined with banners. A few stalls had set up shop, selling candy, treats, and toys. There were people milling about, more than Yuki had expected, all families with children in tow. Three and seven-year-old girls were dressed in colorful kimonos with elaborate patterns, their hair styled and pinned with ornaments. There were also other five-year-old boys like Jun, wearing hakama and haori. As soon as Jun saw them, he froze and hid behind Yuki.

“Jun, what’s wrong? Don’t you want to say hi to the other kids?” Riko said.

Jun stared at them for a long moment, squirming, and shook his head.

“He’s probably just shy, he doesn’t see a lot of other kids,” Yuki said, placing a hand on Jun’s head. Yuki felt about as overwhelmed as Jun looked; the noise, the people, and the sights were a lot to take in.

“Oh, but I’m sure they’re nice! Look, see? That little boy’s waving at you,” Riko said, pointing to a boy standing with his mother and father near one of the temple buildings. The boy was giving Jun an enthusiastic wave. Jun peeked out from behind Yuki’s leg and waved back.

“I’m going to go check us in,” Ryouji said, and headed towards a booth labeled “Reception”.

“Um, what exactly are we doing here again?” Tetsu said, glancing around. 

“I think there’s a ceremony in… that building over there,” Riko said, pointing at one of the larger temple buildings. “Uh, I’m not sure what they do during the ceremony… I think they get a medal or something?” 

“Is it scary?” Jun said, still clinging to Yuki’s leg, 

Riko waved her hand dismissively. “Of course not! They just say prayers and stuff.”

“I’m going to take a look around,” Tetsu said, wandering towards the stalls.

“Wait for me!” Riko said, jogging after him.

Yuki stayed behind with Jun, unsure what to do. Jun slowly edged out from behind Yuki’s legs, but he didn’t let go of Yuki’s pants, either. He was staring around at the adults, all of the mothers and fathers and grandparents. He looked at them, and looked at his own group, and back again. 

“Brother, who are those people with that girl?” he said. He started to point at a mother and father with their young daughter, and snapped his arm back to his side halfway there.

Yuki followed Jun’s gaze. “Um… probably her mom and dad,” he said. 

“‘Mom and Dad’?” 

Yuki felt his stomach churn with anxiety. “Y… yeah, remember? I told you about ours.”

Jun looked around at the other kids in awe. “They have moms and dads? What about aunts and uncles?”

“Yeah, maybe.” 

Jun glanced at the grandparents. “What about those people?”

“Those are their mom and dad’s moms and dads, their grandparents.”

Jun’s mouth dropped open. “Wow,” he said. He stood watching the other people mill around for a moment. “But… our mom and dad, and our mom and dad’s moms and dads, are all gone? They’re not coming?”

Yuki tried to swallow a lump in his throat. “That… that’s right.”

“Oh.” Jun looked away from the crowd, and went back to clinging to Yuki’s leg. 

Ryouji walked back towards Yuki and Jun, rubbing his hands together. “Okay, we’re all set. The ceremony should be starting pretty soon. Wait, where’s Tetsu and Riko?” He looked around the crowd and spotted Tetsu and Riko over by the stalls. “Hey!” he called, waving at them. The two hurried back, Riko clutching a candy apple. “Riko, I think those are supposed to be for the kids.”

“I’m a kid, aren’t I?” Riko said, taking a loud bite of the apple.

“You wish,” Tetsu snickered.

“Fine, then you take it, you big baby!” Riko shoved the apple towards Tetsu’s mouth, who veered out of the way.

Ryouji was looking around the crowd. He spotted a nearby family and waved to them. “Hey, excuse me! Can you take a picture for us?” he said, holding up his digital camera and pointing to it.

The father came over and Ryouji handed over the camera with a bow, briefly showing the man how to use it. The man nodded and held it up, gesturing to the group to get together.

Before Yuki knew what was happening, Ryouji was pulling them all together. He swept up Jun and handed the boy to Yuki. Yuki squeezed in next to Tetsu, and Ryouji pulled in Riko and Tetsu next to him. They all looked at the camera as the man counted down. It was bright out but Yuki could still see the flash go off to indicate a picture had been taken; after a few shots, the man handed over the camera and Ryouji bowed again, thanking him for his time. The man smiled and headed back to his family. 

People were starting to filter into the temple, and Yuki’s group filed in after them. As they entered a priest tried to put a colorful medal around Jun’s neck, who dodged it. Yuki accepted the medal from the confused priest and put it on Jun himself. As soon as Jun realized it was neither dangerous nor candy, he lost interest.

The priests had set up rows of seats in front of an altar. The group found a spot together, Jun in the middle beside his brother. He wouldn’t let go of Yuki’s hand. The ceremony started and they silently listened while the head priest chanted prayers, before going from one child to another to offer prayers for each. Jun sidled a little closer to Yuki when the priest stopped in front of him. As the ceremony dragged on, the boy started to nod off a bit. By the end, Yuki had to shake Jun awake to lead him out of the temple.

Another priest was waiting by the entrance next to a table stacked in long paper bags. As the group exited the temple, the priest handed one of the bags to Jun. The white bag had an intricate print on the front of turtles and cranes; Jun pulled the bag open to find several sticks of wrapped candy, almost as long as he was tall, in white and red colors. They’d hardly made it back to the street before Jun was tearing one of these open. 

“So, did you have fun, Jun? It wasn’t scary, right?” Ryouji asked as they started their walk home. 

Jun hesitated, and nodded. 

“Do you know why we were there?” 

Jun shook his head.

“It’s because you turned five this year! You’re going to be a big boy soon, so everyone is praying for you to grow up big and strong and healthy.”

Jun tore his attention away from the candy for a moment to stare way up at Ryouji’s smiling face. “A big boy? I’m going to be big?”

Ryouji laughed. “Well yeah, someday.”

Jun looked up at Yuki. “I’ll be big like Brother?”

“Yep, that’s right.”

“Wow.” Jun tripped over his hakama and stumbled a little bit.

“But there’s no rush, you should enjoy being a kid while it lasts!” Riko chimed in.

“Yeah, because eventually you have to do crappy adult stuff like pay rent,” Tetsu grumbled.

“Tetsu!” Ryouji said, scandalized. “Language!”

“Crap!” Jun said, turning his attention back to his candy.

Yuki gave a nervous laugh. “It’s okay, he hears that stuff all the time.” He sighed. “I don’t think I’m ready for him to grow up yet.”

Ryouji pointed at Yuki. “I get that. Like on the one hand, you want them to stay cute forever. On the other hand, you want them to grow up and take care of themselves, like paying rent.”

“Are you talking about me?” Tetsu said, frowning.

“Absolutely not, you were never cute.”

“Hey!”

Ryouji ignored Tetsu and kept his attention on Yuki. “But I bet you were adorable as a kid, Yuki. By the way, how old are you now?”

“Uh… I think I turned sixteen this year.”

“Six… wait, your birthday already happened?!”

Yuki shrugged. “Yeah, like, months ago.”

Ryouji gave Yuki a horrified look. “And you didn’t tell us?!”

Yuki looked aside. “Uh, I didn’t think it mattered…”

“Didn’t…” Ryouji stared at Yuki. “I see.” He looked away, pursing his lips. Suddenly, he stopped walking, and Tetsu almost ran into him. “Ah! I just remembered something!”

“I hope it’s how to walk,” Tetsu grumbled, fixing his glasses.

Ryouji spun towards Tetsu. “I ordered some stuff from the grocery store for the shop, can you and Yuki go pick it up?”

“Why don’t you just get it later?” Tetsu said.

Ryouji waved the camera. “I gotta go get these printed. Besides, it’s heavy, it’ll take both of you.”

Yuki glanced at Jun. “Is that okay, Jun?”

Jun looked up from his second piece of candy. “Huh?”

Yuki smiled. “Nevermind.”

Tetsu sighed. “Alright, fine.”

“Thanks, boys!” Ryouji said, steering Riko and Jun towards home.

Tetsu turned and started walking back in the other direction. “Stupid Ryouji, wish he’d just get it delivered.”

Yuki followed beside him. “Maybe it’s more expensive?”

Tetsu shrugged. “Wish we had a car, at least.”

After a couple blocks, Tetsu’s phone rang. He glanced at the name on the screen and slapped the phone to his ear. “What?” he said. The voice on the other end was too muffled to hear. Tetsu glanced aside at Yuki and looked away. “Okay, sure.” After a few moments of chatter, Tetsu hung up and shoved the phone back in his pocket.

“Who was that? Yancha?” Yuki said.

“Nah, it was just Ryouji reminding me to make sure they get everything.”

“Oh.” 

It turned out “everything” was almost more than the two of them could carry. The old man running the store took an excruciatingly long time hauling items out from the back. Yuki couldn’t help but notice that Tetsu looked anxious, tapping his foot and folding and unfolding his arms. He kept glancing at the time on his phone. Was there something they were supposed to do that Yuki forgot about? Tetsu didn’t even look this nervous when they were running deliveries for Yancha. 

Finally, they gathered the last of the items together and tried to figure out some configuration of bags that would allow the two of them to carry it all the way home. Tetsu was a little bit stronger, so he strung several bags from his arms and shoulders. Yuki grabbed a stack of rice and flour sacks. When he bent over to pick it up, the old man running the store scolded him and showed him how to lift the stack with his back straight. Tetsu swung the bags he was carrying at Yuki to get him out of the shop and back on their way home as fast as possible.

It was possibly the longest walk of Yuki’s life. They had to keep stopping so he could drop the stack, rest for a minute, and pick it up again. By the time they made it back to the restaurant, it was nearly dark, and Yuki’s arms were shaking and painful. Tetsu ran to the front door and set down one of the bags to test the lock. To Yuki’s immense relief the door was unlocked, and Tetsu swung the door open into the darkness, Yuki on his heels.

Yuki squinted into the darkness, then squeezed his eyes shut as the lights suddenly burst on. 

“SURPRISE!” a chorus of voices greeted him from a table by the door.

Yuki jumped and dropped the stack of rice and flour sacks onto his foot. He yelped and stumbled backwards into Tetsu, who fell into the wall. The bags Tetsu were holding slipped off and hit the floor, a couple cans rolling out of a bag. 

Yuki could hear laughing. He hopped on one foot, his eyes watering, as he looked over at the table. 

Ryouji, Riko, and Jun were standing around the table. Jun had changed back into his usual clothing, and he was laughing the hardest. The table was piled with containers of fast food: chicken  _ karaage _ , bowls of  _ oden _ , meat buns, and other things that looked like they came from a convenience store. Several soda bottles (and a few beers) were mixed in with the food. In the center was a large circular cake, coated in a shiny layer of chocolate. A few truffled candies decorated the top, and someone had written with icing “HAPPY BIRTHDAY JUN AND YUKI” in stylish, flowing characters.

Yuki forgot about the pain for a moment as he stared at the cake, a little slack-jawed. “Uh, what’s going on?” he said.

“It’s a surprise party, dummy,” Riko said, giggling.

Yuki glanced at Tetsu, who was trying to pick up the items that had fallen on the floor. Tetsu looked back at Yuki sheepishly. “Surprise,” Tetsu said.

“Wait, you knew about this? No wonder you were acting so weird,” Yuki said. He could feel his face getting red as everyone looked at him. “Um, you guys didn’t have to do all this, really…”

Ryouji crossed his arms. “I’m just mad I didn’t have more time to prepare. You put me in a tight spot. I hope it’s okay this is just store-bought stuff,” he said.

“N-no, it’s great! I don’t even remember the last time I had a birthday party…” Seeing mirrored versions of that dumb face that Tetsu made whenever Yuki said something sad, Yuki clapped his hands. “Um, should we eat?”

“Let’s eat! Let’s eat!” Jun chanted, drumming on the table. 

They dug into the food, and by the end of the night, they’d decimated the fast food and cake. Ryouji fell asleep in one of the chairs somewhere around the fourth beer, and Jun fell asleep sitting at the table, his cheek smooshed against a pile of cake crumbs, chocolate lining his mouth. 

Tetsu and Yuki sat at one of the tables nursing soda bottles and listening to the radio. Yuki felt almost uncomfortably full; he’d been challenged to a cake-eating contest that Jun had won. At the moment Yuki wasn’t sure if he ever wanted to see a cake again.

Before Riko headed up to bed, she stopped and grinned at Yuki. “So? Were you surprised?” she said.

Yuki gave a thin smile. “Yeah, really surprised.”

She shot Yuki a satisfied smirk and dug into her pocket. “Here, we printed out a few of these while we were at the store,” she said, and handed him a photo. 

Yuki took the small photo in his hands and held it up to see it closer. It was the photo they’d taken outside the temple. It was a little bit crooked; the man who had taken the photo must not have been a very good shot. Still, he’d managed to get the whole group in. Jun looked adorable in his formal outfit; he was looking at the camera with a put-upon expression, clearly tired of taking photos. Tetsu was smiling but looked just a little irritated about being squashed next to Ryouji, who was beaming over all of them and throwing up bunny ears behind Riko’s head. Riko was waving her candy apple and smiling. 

Yuki’s eyes strayed back to himself, and for a moment, he couldn’t really recognize the person he was looking at. He was clean, his hair was neat, his clothing fit him, and he’d gotten taller than he felt like he was. He was smiling at the camera in a somewhat stunned way. The boy in the photograph, at least, looked happy.

He looked up at the real Riko standing in front of him, her hands on her hips. “Th… thanks,” he said.

She smiled in return. “It’s like we’re a family, right?” She patted him on the head. “Next time, let us know when your actual birthday is, okay?”

Yuki nodded, and Riko turned and ran off to her bedroom.

Tetsu sighed and set his empty soda on the table. “It figures they’d leave it to us to clean up this mess,” he said. He got up and walked over to the bar, coming back with a couple of trash bags. He handed one to Yuki and Yuki stood up, tucking the photo into his back pocket before accepting the bag. Filling a bag with the empty soda and beer cans felt oddly nostalgic. Tetsu just swept the contents of the table into his bag, and they took the bags out back. 

When they came back in, Jun was stirring, crumbs still stuck to his face. He saw Yuki and gave an enormous yawn. “Brother, what time is it?” he said.

“Bed time,” Yuki said, reaching to pick him up. “But first, maybe a bath. Ugh, you weigh a ton.”

Jun giggled, and squirmed to avoid Yuki’s hand as Yuki tried to brush the crumbs and chocolate from the boy’s face. 

Tetsu walked over and started to kick the legs of Ryouji’s chair. “Ryouji! Get up!” he said.

Ryouji jumped awake with an enormous snort. “Wuh? Huh? Party’s over already?”

“We took the trash out, but you should probably mop up before tomorrow,” Tetsu said.

Ryouji looked around bleary-eyed. “Ugh, you’re right…” He rubbed his temple. “My head hurts, make me some coffee, Tetsu,” he whined.

“Make it yourself!” 

“But Tetsuuu, I got dinner and everything,” Ryouji said, sprawling out across the messy table.

“Ugh, fine!” Tetsu said, and went behind the bar to put together a pot of coffee.

Yuki stepped towards Ryouji. “Um, I’m going to put Jun to bed… thanks again for everything,” he said to Ryouji.

Ryouji smiled up at them, squinting a little. “It was a lot of fun, right?”

“Loads!” Jun said. “I want more cake!”

“Maybe another time,” Yuki said. 

“Aww…”

“Good night, you two,” Ryouji said, waving.

“Night night!” Jun said, waving back.

Yuki gave a small nod of acknowledgement and waved to Tetsu on his way to the stairs. Tetsu waved back and nearly dropped the pot of coffee. 

It took almost an hour to wash up and get ready for bed; Jun had caught a second wind after his nap and was difficult to keep still. The moment the boy laid down on the bed, however, he went straight to sleep.

Yuki sat next to him, not feeling remotely tired. He was replaying the day’s events in his head: Jun in his outfit taking pictures, the priests chanting, Jun munching on his candy, the horrible walk back to the restaurant with all those bags, nearly crushing his foot with the bags when they walked in and everyone had shouted surprise, and the long party afterwards. He reached for his jeans and pulled out the photograph he’d slipped into his back pocket, studying it. He stared at it for what felt like hours, until his eyes started to droop, and he fell asleep.


	16. Draw - 吸引

They’d almost managed to make it through winter when Jun caught a cold. What for most people would have been a week or two of sniffling and sneezing stretched into months of wheezing and fevers. The coughing and runny noses ran their course, but whatever it was, Jun couldn’t quite shake it, and just about everything seemed to set it off again. The drifting pollen of flowers in spring; the heavy rains and humid air of summer; the dust sitting in the rafters of the restaurant. Jun slept half the time and was in pain the other half, but he still wanted to be with everyone else, cried bitterly whenever he was left alone. Yuki spent as much time with his brother as he could, bringing him new books, teaching him more  _ kanji _ , answering his questions. But there came a day early in the fall where Jun just lay in bed all day long sweating through a fever and crying, and Yuki knew the brief reprieve they’d had from Jun’s lifelong illness had ended.

The doctor at the clinic didn’t look surprised to see them again. She did a quick examination of Jun and ordered a battery of tests, while Yuki sat in the waiting room, reading the same few pages of a magazine over and over. He heard the clicking of her heels and looked up to see her gazing down at him with a practiced, inscrutably neutral expression.

“I think you already know what I’m going to say,” she said, drumming her fingers on the clipboard in her hands. “A hospital. He needs to go to a hospital.”

Yuki looked down at his feet.

“He’s not in any immediate danger, but it’s only a matter of time.”

Yuki nodded.

“I’m sorry, but there’s nothing more we can do here.”

Yuki stood and bowed.

He carried home a worn-out Jun on his back, the boy still wearing medical tape on his hand and smelling of rubbing alcohol and the acrid stench of vomit. That night, Yuki sat by the bed he shared with Jun while the boy slept, picking through what little savings they had.

It wasn’t enough. 

* * *

The music in Wack Sapp was as loud as ever, but for once, the thrumming bass felt welcome to Yuki. It drowned out most of his thoughts, so all he could do was stare at the cold glass sweating in his hands. The ice shifted as it melted, but whatever clinking it made was lost in the roar of voices and music.

Tetsu was sitting next to him on the couch. He was scanning the crowd, his brow furrowed, an empty bottle in his hand. He leaned towards Yuki. “Guy’s late. Yancha said ten, right?” he said to Yuki’s ear.

Yuki just shrugged.

Tetsu frowned down at the empty bottle and sighed. “I’m going to go get another. You want anything?”

Yuki shook his head, and Tetsu got up and disappeared into the crowd.

Yuki drained the last of his drink and sat back, pulling the package off the seat next to him and turning it in his hand. As usual, it was carefully sealed in featureless paper, so he had no idea what was inside of it. While he was staring at it, he felt the creeping weight of eyes on him, and he looked up.

A man was standing not far from the couch, holding a drink and staring at Yuki. His eyes darted between the package in Yuki’s hand and Yuki, and he smiled. Yuki tucked the package into his jacket and shifted backwards as the man approached and sat down on the couch next to him.

The man leaned in close to be able to talk to Yuki without yelling. “Are you Yancha’s buddy?” he said.

Yuki eyed the man skeptically out of the corner of his eye, but nodded. The man sagged with relief. He wasn’t old enough to have gained any gray hairs yet, but he still looked at least twice as old as most of the teens and young people in the club. His warm smile and drab, ordinary appearance only made him seem more out of place and suspicious. He was clean shaven and neatly dressed, and he gave off the strong musk of sandalwood. The man didn’t look familiar, but the warm smell of sandalwood was familiar in a way that made Yuki feel nervous, for reasons he couldn’t explain.

“Great, I’ve been wandering around here for almost an hour,” the man said, setting his drink aside on the table. He reached into his back pocket and yanked out a wallet. He started pulling out bills. “I think I’m getting too old for these sorts of places. Music’s too loud, drinks are too watery. But at least the people are interesting, right?” he threw out conversationally. Yuki didn’t take the bait, just sat up straight and waited while the man counted out the bills and folded them. The man held out the bills in one hand, and turned an expectant palm out towards Yuki. Yuki dug the package out of his jacket and held it out slowly. He reached out and grabbed the money at the same time that the man took the package.

“Pleasure doing business with you,” the man said, smiling at him again.

Yuki just gave a slight nod and looked down, watching the man turn the package around in his hands. He wasn’t leaving. Why wasn’t he leaving? The relief Yuki had felt at having the transaction over was bleeding into unease.

“Um… is there something else?” Yuki said, having to raise his voice to be heard. His eyes flickered up to the man’s face.

“Sorry, it’s just… you look kind of familiar. Have we met before?” the man said.

Yuki shifted aside a bit. “N… no, I don’t think so.”

The man leaned in to get a better look at Yuki, and the scent of sandalwood got stronger. Yuki could feel his face getting warmer the longer the man stared at him. “It’s… Yukio, right? Is that it?”

Yuki didn’t respond, but the way his head snapped up in surprise said everything.

The man grinned. “Heeey, Yukio, it’s been a while. What, like, three years? Four? Man, time flies. You’ve gotten so big! Wow.”

Every instinct inside Yuki was screaming at him to run, but he sat rooted on the spot, gazing at the man in horror.

The man tilted his head. “Oh, maybe you don’t remember me, though. We used to make films together, remember?” he said, miming holding a video camera.

Yuki was struck by a wave of nausea. He started to shake a little.

“Yeah, those tapes did really well for us, you were great in those,” the man went on, seemingly oblivious to Yuki’s terror. He reached over and retrieved his drink from the table, taking a sip. “Of course, getting to participate was a nice bonus,” he said over the rim of the glass, chuckling. He pulled the drink down and swirled the ice around. His eyes roved over Yuki again. “Say, you wouldn’t be interested in making more of those, would you? You’re probably too old for that kid’s stuff now, but I think the boys would still love to have you back. We could pay you really well, too.” The man set the drink back down and reached into his pocket again, pulling out the wallet and a pen. He flipped the wallet open and retrieved a business card, turning it over to the plain backside. He set the card down on his thigh and scribbled a number, before flipping the card over in his fingers and holding it out to Yuki.

For a long moment Yuki just stared at him, too frozen to respond. He wanted to smack the card out of the man’s hand; instead, his right arm just twitched. The man didn’t seem deterred; he reached out and tucked the card into Yuki’s jacket pocket.

“If you ever get sick of being Yancha’s errand boy, just give me a call,” the man said. Something moved near them, and the man blinked in surprise and looked up.

“Yuki?” Tetsu said, almost shouting over the noise of the club.

Yuki jumped, breaking out of the frozen state he’d been in. Tetsu was standing next to him, holding a beer and staring at the man.

“This the guy?” Tetsu said, looking between Yuki and the man. “You give him the stuff already?”

Yuki nodded and rose shakily to his feet, stepping a little closer to Tetsu.

The man looked between the two of them. “Is this your friend?” he asked Yuki. The man gave Tetsu an appraising look.

Yuki grabbed Tetsu’s sleeve and tugged on it. “We’re done here, let’s go,” Yuki said into Tetsu’s ear. “Come on.” He started to walk away, pulling on Tetsu’s sleeve.

“But…” Tetsu protested, glancing between Yuki and the man and the beer in confusion. He started to chug the beer.

The man cupped a hand to his mouth and called after them. “He can come too!” he shouted after them.

Yuki walked faster, until they were almost jogging out of the club. Yuki didn’t slow down until they were at least a couple blocks away.

“What was that about?” Tetsu said, tossing the empty bottle into a bin next to a vending machine.

“Fucking Yancha,” Yuki said, giving a pebble a violent kick. “Next time I see him I’ll rip his stupid green hair out.”

Tetsu looked at Yuki in alarm. “What happened? Did the guy not give you the money or something?”

Yuki shoved his hands in his pockets. His fingers brushed the business card in his pocket, and he felt another wave of anger so intense that for a moment, he couldn’t see. He wanted to crumple it up, but the sharp corners of the stiff card pricked his palm. “No, I got it, he… he was just a jerk,” Yuki said. How to explain it without saying too much? “He was a total perv.”

Tetsu sneered. “Urgh. I mean, I wish I was there so I could’ve punched him out, but at the same time, I’m kind of glad I missed that.”

Yuki pulled the bills folded in his other pocket and started to leaf through them. He split the stack in half and handed a half to Tetsu. Yuki stared at his own half with simmering anger. It had never been honest work but the money felt dirty somehow, wrong. What had the man earned it doing? What was in that package? He shoved the money back in his pocket. “We can’t just go around punching clients in the face. Not if I need to make enough to send Jun to the hospital.”

“I guess that’s true,” Tetsu said with a tsk. “But it would make me feel a little better.”

Yuki felt an overwhelming gratitude towards Tetsu; he gave Tetsu a small smile. He sighed. “Even if we do more drug sales for Yancha, I don’t know if that’s going to be enough,” Yuki said, watching his feet move in and out of view on the ground.

Tetsu tilted his head in thought. “I don’t know. Maybe there’s something we haven’t tried yet. We could ask.” He looked up at the night sky. “Though if there is, it’s probably a lot more dangerous than just some pervert at a club.”

“At this point, I’m willing to consider anything,” Yuki muttered, tapping the business card in his pocket.

* * *

“Anything?” Yancha said, drumming his fingers on the table.

“Anything,” Yuki repeated.

Yancha set his head in his hand and looked around. It was a busy night in the ramen shop, and no one was paying any attention to them. Yancha had picked a spot in the corner partially blocked by a dividing wall, and it was loud enough from the varying conversations bouncing off the wood-lined walls that they were unlikely to be overheard.

Yancha leaned back in his chair, folding his arms. “Well, I do feel bad about what happened at the club the other night,” he said without much sincerity. He glanced up at the ceiling. “I think I got something in mind, but I mean, are you sure you’re up for it? This is big stuff. You fuck this up and you could get yourselves killed.”

Yuki could tell Tetsu was staring at him, but he ignored it. “I’m sure.”

“Alright, but don’t say I didn’t warn you,” Yancha said, letting the front feet of his chair fall back to the ground. “You remember those surveillance jobs I had you guys run for me last year? Around that bar?”

“Club Whatsitcalled? Guzzlepuff? Gaslump?” Tetsu said.

“Guzzluff,” Yancha corrected.

The name rang a bell. “Wait, the yakuza place?” Yuki said.

Yancha pointed at Yuki. “ _ Ding ding! _ Yep, that’s the one.”

Yuki was already starting to regret he’d asked, but he  _ had  _ said anything. “Yeah, what about it?”

Yancha started toying with the chopsticks next to his empty ramen bowl. “Well, I’ve done some more digging, and it turns out you’re right, Yuki. It’s a yakuza’s office. Some hotshot with the Seidoukai named Kazutaka Hyoudou. Apparently, he’s a pretty big deal, as far as yakuza go.”

“So?” Tetsu said.

“ _ So _ , guy like that is bound to have plenty of cash around, right?” Yancha said, tapping the chopsticks against the edge of the bowl. “Guy’s probably loaded. I bet he wouldn’t even notice if some of it went missing.”

Yuki stared at him. “What are you saying? Steal from the yakuza?”

Yancha pointed at Yuki with the chopsticks. “Right again!”

“Wait wait wait,” Tetsu said, holding up his hands. “Yuki, this is crazy. This isn’t like shoplifting or sneaking into the movies. This is the yakuza we’re talking about. There’s no way we’re going to be able to just sneak in and take shit.”

“That’s where you’d be wrong, bud,” Yancha said. “Thanks to the info you guys got me, it looks like there’s some holes in their security. Some gaps in the guard schedules, some blind spots. I can definitely get you in.” He tossed the chopsticks aside. “The money, on the other hand, might be a bit trickier. I’ve heard they keep it in a vault, but I don’t have a clue how to get in. Still, there might be something else valuable lying around.” He looked at Yuki and grinned. “So, whaddya say? Interested?”

Tetsu leaned forward, also staring at Yuki. “Don’t do it, Yuki. There’s gotta be something else we can do to get the money, something less dangerous. If we got caught, they’ll seriously kill us,” he said.

“Not much use to your brother if you’re dead,” Yancha said, shrugging. “Not much use to me either, come to think of it.” Yancha paused, reconsidering. “Listen, even if you can’t get to the money, if you can make it in there and back out and let me know what you find, I can make it worth your while. Plenty of guys out there who’d pay out the nose to know how to get in and what’s there.”

Feeling Tetsu staring holes into the side of his head, Yuki stood up. “Um, I’ll think about it,” he said.

Yancha smiled and winked. “Just let me know when you make up your mind.”

* * *

By the time Yuki got back to his room, Jun had long since fallen asleep. The ceiling light was still on, and Jun was laying on top of the covers on the bed with his arm dangling over the side. There was a book face-down on the floor just inches from his fingertips. Yuki picked up the book, flattening the creases out of the pages and setting it on top of a small pile in the corner. He carefully picked up Jun and slid him under the covers; the boy burbled a little in his sleep but – always a heavy sleeper – didn’t wake up.

Yuki walked back to the door and wrenched off his high tops, tossing them next to the television sitting on the floor in the corner. He flicked off the ceiling light, plunging the room into darkness. For a moment he just stood by the door while his eyes adjusted. There was a little bit of light coming through the window, enough for Yuki to make his way back to the bed, pulling his jacket off and tossing it on his shoes on the way there. He sat down heavily on the bed, the mattress springs creaking in protest. He leaned his elbows against his knees and rubbed his eyes.

There was a low mewling sound and Yuki sat up, startled. He looked around, until he realized the sound was coming from Jun. The boy had curled up into a fetal position and was rocking a little in his sleep, crying softly. Yuki turned over and rubbed Jun’s back, making soothing noises, but the boy just kept shaking and moaning. Feeling a bit panicked, Yuki shook Jun by the shoulder and called his name. Jun startled awake, backing up against the wall, his eyes wide in the darkness. When he saw Yuki’s silhouette, he gave a frightened yelp and nearly slid off the bed before Yuki caught him.

“Jun, it’s just me!” Yuki said, hugging Jun to his chest.

Jun went rigid, and relaxed, reaching his arms out to hug Yuki back. “Brother? You’re back,” he mumbled into Yuki’s chest.

“Yeah, sorry, it was a long night,” Yuki said, patting Jun on the back. “Are you okay?”

Jun pushed away and scrubbed tears from his eyes, sniffing. “Had a bad dream,” he said.

“Looked like it, you were shaking like crazy. What about?” Yuki helped Jun settle back into bed, laying down next to him.

Jun bit his lip and rubbed his nose. “Um… mmm… it was…” Jun trailed off, toying with the tag on the pillow case.

“What? You can tell me.”

Jun pulled the blanket up to his nose, so Yuki could only see his eyes. “Brother, am I going to die?”

It knocked the breath out of Yuki. When he managed to regain control, he said, “Die? What makes you think that?”

“’Cause I keep getting sick,” Jun said. “When people get really sick, they die, right? Like Mom.”

Yuki just stared at Jun. Jun’s eyes glittered back at him in the dark. Six, he was six years old. What to say? How to explain it? What was the right thing to say? More than anything at that moment, he wished Tsubaki were here. “That’s… sometimes, yeah. But, you’re still little, Jun. You’re not going to die yet,” he said. Not entirely a lie, but not something he knew for sure either.

“Really?” Jun said, peeking over the blanket.

“Yeah, I’m going to get you help. So don’t worry, okay?” Yuki said, running his hand over Jun’s head and brushing the tears from Jun’s cheek with his thumb. “I promise, I won’t let you die. You gotta live until you’re a grumpy old man.”

Jun giggled and sniffed. “You mean like you?”

Yuki gave a mock offended gasp. “Oh, you’re in for it!” he said, and lunged at Jun, tickling him. Jun squealed and struggled to get away, rolling over and laughing, kicking at Yuki. Yuki backed off when Jun started to wheeze from struggling to breathe.

Jun laid back against his pillow, alternately wheezing and giggling. “You’re so dumb,” he said, and gave a wide yawn. “Dummy. Stupid.”

“I’m not the one insulting people three times my size,” Yuki teased. “I thought you were my brother.”

“I’m not related to a poohead like you,” Jun said, rubbing his face into the pillow.

“Huh, see if I get you any more books, then.”

Jun reached out and grabbed Yuki’s hand. “Brotherrr, I love you!”

“Nope, buttering me up isn’t going to work now.”

Jun giggled and yawned again. His eyelids drooped, and his breathing evened out. Yuki brushed the hair from Jun’s face, running his hand over the back of Jun’s head until the boy fell back asleep. Jun’s grip on Yuki’s hand relaxed, and Yuki slowly pulled his hand back. For a moment he just watched Jun sleep.

“I promise,” Yuki whispered.

“Isn’t that sweet,” a voice said from somewhere near his elbow.

Yuki jumped and had to slap his hand to the wall to keep from falling on Jun. His head snapped around to look behind him.

In the dark, it was difficult to see much other than shadows. The shadows seemed to shift and rearrange; his eyes didn’t want to focus on them. He sat up straight, and the shadow behind him warped into a figure, the figure of a boy with his eyes gleaming in the darkness.

It had been a while, a long time since he’d seen his boy self and that casual, bored expression. Yuki was starting to think it was something he’d dreamed as a kid. It was difficult to say if he wasn’t dreaming now.

“Lying to yourself won’t make it any easier,” the boy said, stepping out of the shadows. He looked just the same as Yuki remembered, the two of them nearly identical, but he’d grown so much more than his younger self now.

“It’s not a lie,” Yuki whispered back to him.

“This coming from you, who nearly choked him out with your own hands,” the boy said with a sneer.

“I’m going to make up for that. He won’t die. I’ll make sure of it.”

“Hmm? Is that so.” The boy strolled around the bed, Yuki’s eyes following him. “You might want to hurry it up, though. Who knows how long he’s got left,” the boy said, eyeing Jun. The boy threw himself down on the bed, but the bed didn’t make a sound. “We need money, and we need it fast. What to do, what to do…”

As far as Yuki was concerned, there weren’t many options. They were still both uninsured, and with no identification or papers to speak of. Cash was the only way to get Jun into a hospital, and keep him there, and they’d need a lot of it. He’d only shilled drugs for Yancha once or twice when money was especially tight, but not even that was going to be enough.

There was the job Yancha had mentioned. Breaking into a yakuza office definitely sounded crazy, he had to give it to Tetsu there. But if it was true that this Hyoudou guy was as powerful or rich as Yancha said, it might be the windfall Yuki needed. It was all or nothing, though. Yuki knew what these guys were like. If he was caught, they wouldn’t let him live. And they’d make it hurt.

If he didn’t make it back, what would Jun do without him? How long would he have without Yuki to support him? Would Ryouji let him stay? What would Tetsu do if he knew what Yuki had done? He wouldn’t be stupid enough to go after the yakuza, would he?

“He probably would,” the boy said, kicking his feet and examining the ceiling. “But you’re an idiot if you think he won’t just follow you anyway. You’ll both be fish food.”

“I don’t think they actually feed people to fish,” Yuki grumbled back.

The boy shrugged. “Either way, you’re dead,” he sang back. “But there’s another option, right?”

Yuki grabbed his wallet from the floor; it’d slipped out of his back pocket when he was tickling Jun. Nestled in-between the stamp cards and old receipts was the business card the man at the club had given him. He held it up to the dim light from the window and squinted.

The front had the name of an audio/video company, an innocuous name that didn’t betray the lewd nature of their business. There was the man’s name and title and a couple of telephone numbers. On the back, the man had scrawled a number of yen that had more zeroes on the end than Yuki was expecting.

“Whew, those tapes musta sold  _ really _ well,” the boy said from next to Yuki’s ear, and Yuki jumped. The boy was standing on the bed behind him, peering at the business card.

Yuki wanted to just tear the card up, wasn’t sure why he’d even kept it this long. He grabbed the card by either end and started to twist it, but stopped.

“Sooner or later, you knew it’d come back to this, right?” the boy said, sitting down next to Yuki. “You know we’re only good for one thing.”

Yuki’s hands started to shake, and tears of frustration squeezed out of his eyes.

“You don’t have to worry, I can take care of it. It won’t hurt a bit. You’ll live to see another day with your brother. And you’ll get the money, right?” the boy said, leaning against Yuki’s arm.

It would be easy, so easy to just call the number on the front of the card. He could go back to the way things were, before this dream of a happy life and a family with Tetsu and Ryouji and Riko. After all, how could he keep it a secret? What would Tetsu say if he found out? Yuki could already picture the look of revulsion in his face, hear the same sort of sneering laughter that Tetsu once uttered while eyeing a group of prostitutes outside a bar. Tetsu would never accept him if he knew.

Well, so what? It had only been Yuki and Jun for a while, for years. He could go back to that. He could. He could…

Yuki was breathing so hard that air was hissing out of his nostrils, and his head hurt from clenching his teeth.

It was over. It was all over, either way, no matter what he did.

When he pictured the cameras again, and the men, and their hands on him, inside him, he was so scared, he was so angry he could puke, he could scream.

It was selfish, he knew it was selfish, but he’d rather die, rather die than do it all over again. He couldn’t go back anymore. He couldn’t.

He grasped the business card firmly by either end and tore it in half, in quarters. He ripped it into shreds and stuffed the pieces in his pocket.

“Aw, too bad,” the boy said, jumping off the bed. Yuki turned his head to follow him, but the boy was gone.

Yuki just sat for a moment, taking big gulps of air, trying to catch his breath. When his head had finally cleared and his breathing had calmed down, he got up, stepping quietly across the room in his socks to the door. Slowly, he pulled open the door and stepped out into the dark hallway to Tetsu’s room. He pressed his ear to the door, but he didn’t hear anything, and there was no light coming from underneath the door. With a trembling hand, Yuki reached for the doorknob and tested it, but it was unlocked. As quietly as he could, Yuki turned the handle and stepped into Tetsu’s room.

It was also dark, but Yuki’s eyes had adjusted by now. He could just make out the shapes of Tetsu’s furniture in the dark, his boots crumpled in the middle of the floor. Tetsu was a dark lump lying on his bed facing the wall with his back to the room. Yuki froze, but he could only hear the very soft sound of Tetsu’s breathing. He tiptoed across the room to the nightstand. Tetsu’s glasses were sitting on top, next to his wallet and keys, and the folded-up cell phone.

Yuki didn’t have his own phone; it had never seemed all that important. Who would he call? Almost everyone he knew or cared about was in this building. So Tetsu handled all the calls on his phone. Yuki reached out and picked it up, rolling it into his hand. Tetsu stirred a little, and Yuki hurried out of the room as fast as he could without making noise. His heart pounding, he stepped outside into the cool night air, and flipped open the phone.

It took a couple tries going through the address book on Tetsu’s phone to find the number. Tetsu had it labeled in all caps in English letters: “RASCAL”. Yuki selected it and hit the call button.

Yancha picked up on the third ring. “Tetsuuu, what’s up?”

“It’s Yukio, actually,” Yuki said.

“Yuki! ‘Bout time, man, I didn’t think you were going to call. So? You want in?”

“Yeah. Tell me everything.”


	17. Purpose – 目的

“I want in.”

Yuki looked up from his breakfast at Tetsu. “Huh?”

Tetsu just gave an irritated look and pulled out his phone. He flipped it open to shine the call log at Yuki. Yuki’s call to Yancha was right at the top. _ Oops. _Yuki didn’t often see Tetsu angry, but it looked like Tetsu was barely holding it together. The hand holding the phone was shaking, Tetsu’s nostrils were flaring, and he didn’t seem to mind that he was making a scene.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Yuki said pointedly, glancing over at Ryouji behind the bar. Ryouji and Riko were laughing at a variety show on TV. Jun was absent; Yuki had already brought him something to eat earlier in the morning, and Jun had gone back to sleep with a fever.

Tetsu snapped the phone shut and stuffed it in his pocket. “Outside, _ now_,” he said through gritted teeth.

Feeling a bit nauseated, Yuki pushed his half-empty plate away and stood up. The motion caught Ryouji’s attention and he looked away from the TV towards Yuki and Tetsu. “Done already?” he said to Yuki.

Yuki gave Ryouji and anxious smile. “Yeah, uh, not feeling so great right now,” he said.

Ryouji sighed. “Not you too? Well, get some rest, I’ll take care of it.”

“Thanks,” Yuki said. As soon as he’d cleared the table, Tetsu led him by the arm to the back alley behind the building, kicking the door shut.

Tetsu rounded on Yuki, his hands balled into fists. “You told Yancha you’d do it, didn’t you?” he said.

Yuki folded his arms and stepped back. “Yeah, so?”

“So? You heard him, Yuki. This yakuza guy is bad news. It’s too much for you. You’ll just get yourself killed.”

“I can handle it,” Yuki said. “I’m not afraid of these guys.”

“You should be. They’re not like Ken and his lackeys. You’re not going to scare them off with a knife and a couple insults.”

“I know that,” Yuki snapped. “I’m not planning on picking a fight with them.”

“But you _ are _ planning on messing around in their turf, and that’s incredibly stupid.”

Yuki turned aside. “Only if I get caught, and I don’t plan on getting caught.”

“I know you’re not _ planning _ on it, but think about it… this is the yakuza we’re talking about… you’re not just going to sneak in there under a cardboard box or something…” Yuki laughed, and Tetsu stamped his foot. “It’s not funny, Yuki! I’m serious. You’re going to die.”

Yuki stopped laughing and looked away. “So what?” Yuki looked back at Tetsu. “Besides, what do you care, anyw—”

The full weight of Tetsu’s charge hit Yuki square in the chest and he was thrown backwards into the wall. The breath was knocked out of his lungs and the back of his head tapped against the wall, popping sparks in his vision. He blinked and Tetsu’s livid, pained face was inches from his own. Yuki could see his own bewildered expression reflected in Tetsu’s askew glasses.

“Don’t say that in front of me again,” Tetsu said in a low voice. “_‘So what?’ _ You have to try to _ live _. You have people who care about you. Jun, and Ryouji, and Riko, and… and me.” Tetsu backed off, letting Yuki sag against the wall. “If something happened to you, I… I don’t know what I’d do,” he said to the ground, pushing his glasses back up his nose.

Yuki just slumped against the wall and stared at Tetsu. What Tetsu had said just didn’t make much sense. People who cared about him? If anything, he just felt like more of a burden for having dragged the people around him into his mess once again. He was sure if he died, Tetsu would move on sooner or later… but seeing the look on Tetsu’s face, it didn’t feel like the right time to voice that.

Tetsu drew himself up with a sniff and fixed his gaze back on Yuki. “I want to help. I’m coming with you.” Yuki opened his mouth to protest, and Tetsu cut him off. “No. Even if you say I can’t, I’m going to follow you anyway, and it’s safer if we plan this together.”

_ See, I told you so, _ some part of Yuki said with a smirk.

Yuki pushed himself off the wall with a sigh. “Fine, you win,” he said, rubbing his chest. “But if things go south, I want you to promise me you’ll take off and leave me behind, okay?” Yuki tried to smile. “If those yakuza shits don’t kill me, Ryouji definitely will if I let them get you.”

Tetsu hesitated, and looked away. “Fine.” He pulled the phone out and tossed it in the air, catching it. “So, what did Yancha tell you? Fill me in.”

* * *

It had been a while since they’d done surveillance for Yancha, so they started by cross-checking the information with the current situation at the bar. After a few visits they were able to confirm the schedule, and form the basics of the plan. The entrance to the office seemed to be on the side of the building; at a certain time between the closing of the bar and the start of daily activities at the office, there was less security. The plan was to take advantage of this security lapse to sneak inside, do some scouting, and locate the vault. If there was a way in, they’d try it; but the priority was getting in and getting out without being seen.

It wasn’t going to be an easy feat. The place was crawling with suits, and more than once, Yuki caught the telltale glimpse of a firearm under a jacket.

After a couple weeks of going over and over the plan, Yuki began to feel like they were just stalling the inevitable. There was never going to be an opportune time, and the longer they waited, the more uncertain Jun’s condition felt.

The night they planned on finally making their attempt, Jun was really sick. He dipped in and out of consciousness, sleeping for hours at a time. Yuki sat by his bedside, watching the time tick by with agonizing slowness. The building was so silent in the dead of night that he could only hear his breathing, Jun’s labored wheezing, and the odd hisses of pipes and groans of the walls settling. As the time drew closer, Yuki felt his anxiety growing. He looked at Jun, and wondered if it would be the last time he saw his brother.

“I promise, Jun,” Yuki said. “I’ll come back with help or not at all.”

Jun didn’t respond; he was fast asleep. A part of Yuki wished that Jun was awake so he could say goodbye properly. Another part of him was somewhat relieved that Jun wouldn’t have to remember Yuki in this moment.

Yuki got up and crept to the door, pulling his shoes on. He stepped out into the dark hallway, carefully shutting the door behind him.

Tetsu was already waiting, his hands in his pockets, shifting uneasily from one foot to the other. “Ready?” Tetsu whispered.

Yuki nodded.

They headed for the outside door. “I left a note,” Tetsu said once he was next to Yuki. “On my bed, just in case we…”

“Okay, great… that’s great,” Yuki whispered back. He wanted to mean it, but he couldn’t right now. He just felt nauseated and shaky all over. Talking just invited things up that were better left kept down. As they stepped outside and left Ryouji’s place behind, maybe for the last time, Yuki felt somewhat reassured by the steady beat of Tetsu’s footsteps next to him.

At the very least, he wouldn’t die alone, which was more than he could have asked for.

* * *

The sun still hadn’t risen by the time they got to the bar. Most of the area was closed down and dark aside from the shop signs, and the streets were lined with garbage cans waiting to be picked up. The only people wandering about were drunks looking for hotels to wait for the first train home, and vagrants looking for spots to camp for the night.

The bar at Club Guzzlaff was closed, and there wasn’t a shiny black car to be seen. Tetsu and Yuki hid and waited, keeping an eye on the entrance. There was a door at the bottom of a set of stairs leading to the basement. A guy was standing by the top of the stairs, keeping a vague watch on the door and the alleyway. He didn’t really look like yakuza; his hair was bleached and slicked back with visible black roots, and he was wearing a lurid button-down shirt with a floral pattern. Tetsu and Yuki took turns verbally abusing him and chuckling beneath their breaths while they watched him; it was a good way to steady their nerves.

“How do we get him away from the door?” Tetsu whispered.

Yuki looked around, and spotted an empty coffee can lying in the gutter. He picked it up and aimed.

“Come on, he’s not going to fall for that,” Tetsu said.

Yuki lobbed the can, and it sailed in a high arc, hitting the asphalt with a loud clatter and bouncing into the next alleyway.

The man’s head snapped around in confusion, and he left the entrance behind to investigate.

“Seriously? What an idiot!” Tetsu snorted. As quickly and quietly as they could, Tetsu and Yuki slipped across the street and over to the door. Tetsu kept an eye out while Yuki tried the door; it was unlocked. In awe at their luck, heart pounding, Yuki pulled open the door and slipped inside, Tetsu following just behind him.

The office was mostly dark, with just a few scattered safety lights here and there. The hallways were lined with large, shiny tiles, and the walls were bare. Yuki wasn’t sure what he was expecting but it looked just like a normal office. There was a waiting area, and a few desks. The short, narrow hallways lead off to more rooms. The two of them stood and waited for a moment, their ears craning to listen. Yuki’s heart was beating so hard he was sure the sound was bouncing off the walls.

“It doesn’t sound like anyone else is here,” Tetsu whispered. “Let’s have a look around, but be careful.”

Yuki nodded, and the two of them split up to start checking the neighboring rooms. Some of the doors were still ajar, and Yuki poked his head in to dark, empty offices. He didn’t see anything like a vault anywhere. Yancha had given them a vague description of what it looked like, but whether it was free-standing or inside a wall, they weren’t sure. He found a rec room with some couches and a TV, but nothing that said “we keep money in here”.

“Yuki!” Tetsu hissed from across the room. He gestured towards Yuki in the dark. “Yuki, over here.”

Yuki hurried towards him as fast as he could without making much noise. Tetsu nodded his head towards a door. It was a bit more decorative than the others, and it was locked. “Wonder why they’d keep this one locked… should we find out?” he said to Yuki with a mischievous grin.

In the end, Tetsu and Yuki had to run straight at the door and hit it with their shoulders for the lock to give way. They stumbled forward into the room, the door banging against the wall with a boom that made Yuki wince. When his ears stopped ringing, he looked around the room.

It was an office, but much bigger than the ones they’d seen so far, and a bit more elaborately decorated. It was also much brighter, due to the enormous fish tank that took up most of the back wall. The eerie blue glow from the tank lit up the room and cast long shadows from the desk sitting in front of it. For a moment they just stood and watched the large fish swimming around the tank, mesmerized. Yuki tried not to think about their bodies feeding these things later, but it was difficult; a particularly long one with a gaping jaw was staring back at him with bulging eyes. 

Yuki walked towards the desk; it was piled with stacks of papers, boring stuff like work orders and shipment receipts. He sifted through it and looked away with a frustrated sigh, eyeing some of the pictures on the wall. “You think it’s behind a painting or something?” Yuki said, stepping towards the wall. He peered behind a painting, but there was nothing but wall behind it.

Tetsu snickered; he was still standing near the door. “This isn’t TV, Yuki,” he said. He looked aside, and knocked on a metal door set in the wall. “Think this might be it.”

Yuki hurried over. It did look like the vault that Yancha had described; when he touched a panel, an LCD screen with red numbers blinked on.

“Any idea what the code is?” Tetsu said.

Yuki shrugged. He reached towards the panel. Just before he could touch the keys, Tetsu grabbed his wrist. “What?”

“What if it sets off an alarm or something?” Tetsu said, looking around anxiously.

“Then we get the fuck out of here,” Yuki said, feeling impatient. “Come on, we gotta at least try it. We got all the way here.”

“Yeah, but…”

Yuki shook off Tetsu’s grip and started punching in numbers. When he reached the end of the sequence, the panel gave an angry beep and reset. The two of them froze, listening, but no alarm went off, and no footsteps came running toward the room. Encouraged, Yuki tried a few more sequences, but they all resulted in the same angry beeping. “Damnit,” Yuki said, giving the panel a good punch and eliciting another squeal of beeping.

“Come on, let’s just get out of here,” Tetsu said. “We found it so we got what we came for.”

Yuki bit his lip. Yeah, they could leave, probably should. But if there was a chance, any chance at getting at that money _ now _… Yuki looked around the room. “Wait, I just want to take a look around… there could be a hint…”

“Yuki, they’re not going to just leave the code lying around! _ Yuki! _” Tetsu hissed, but Yuki wasn’t listening; he had gone back to the desk and was flipping through a records book.

Somewhere, a car door slammed, and they both jumped. Yuki didn’t need to be told; he jumped over the desk and ran towards Tetsu, who was hopping on the spot waiting for Yuki. They dashed back out into the hallway and turned the corner, their shoes squeaking against the shiny tiles.

There were two men waiting at the entrance, and one of them was the guy with the ridiculous shirt who had fallen for the can trick. Tetsu and Yuki skidded to a halt, and for the moment, the four of them just stared at each other with wide eyes.

“Hey!” the guy with the shirt said, moving to block the corridor.

Tetsu pulled Yuki back. “Go, go!” he shouted, and the two of them turned and ran back the way they came, the men’s feet pounding after them.

There was nowhere else to go; only the other offices, and the exit to the bar was locked. Yuki and Tetsu led the men around in circles for a bit, knocking over artificial house plants and kicking over chairs in an effort to slow them down. It wasn’t much use; the men were more familiar with the layout of the building than they were, and Tetsu and Yuki were eventually cornered at the end of a hallway.

The guy with the shirt leaned on his knees panting. “Alright… you brats… give it up,” he wheezed. “The others are… already on their way over here.”

The other man gave him a critical look. “I can’t believe you let them get in here,” he snarled. “The boss is going to have your pinky for this. More than that. If the vault alarm hadn’t gone off…”

Floral Shirt Guy recoiled defensively. “Wuh? I was guarding the door like I was supposed to! I dunno how they got in!”

Tetsu gave Yuki a look. Yuki shook his head. Tetsu ignored him. While the two men were still arguing, Tetsu charged forward with a roar, throwing his entire body weight at them.

Shirt Guy was caught by surprise and fell into the wall. The other guy wasn’t as easily startled, and he jumped aside. He brought his fists down on Tetsu’s back with a loud cracking sound.

“Tetsu!” Yuki yelled.

Tetsu stumbled and launched himself sideways at the man who’d hit him, knocking him into the wall. Shirt Guy was recovering from his surprise, and Tetsu kicked at him. “Go on, Yuki, get out of here!” Tetsu said.

“But… you promised!”

“I don’t care, just go!” The three of them fighting was such a tangled mess that Yuki just hopped on the spot, not sure what to do. Seeing an opening, he ran forward and kicked the knees out from under Shirt Guy. The man yelped as he hit the ground butt first. Yuki jumped over and started to run, Tetsu struggling to keep up with him with the other guy on his heels.

They made their way back to the entrance and Yuki threw the door open. As he vaulted up the stairs into the cool night air, he felt a glimmer of hope they were going to make it out.

A dark shape shifted in front of him, blocking his path and shoving him backwards.

He lost his footing and tumbled into Tetsu, and the two of them rolled down towards the door.

Yuki hit the back of his head against the concrete and everything went black.

* * *

Yuki watched a drop of blood leak from his nose and splash against the glistening, clean tile beneath him. He sniffed, trying and failing to draw the blood back into his nose. He hurt all over; the skin of his wrists burned where they were lashed together and he’d struggled against the ropes. His shoulders ached from having his arms pinned behind his back for the past few hours. His ears were ringing a little and his head echoed with pain from many blows to the face. The heavy taste of iron was in his mouth; he’d accidentally bit the inside of his lip at some point. Yeah, there was a lot of pain, but he was still alive… for now.

Tetsu was tied up next to him, and if Yuki looked anything like he did, then it explained the pain. Tetsu still had his glasses on, but it hadn’t helped him much; there was a cut on his nose where the bridge of the glasses had bit into his skin, and his face was covered in bruises. Like Yuki, there was blood smudged onto his shirt. Tetsu wouldn’t look at him; they hadn’t spoken to each other at all since they’d been caught. Yuki was still angry that Tetsu hadn’t taken off on his own while he could… it was easier to feel angry than ashamed for being the cause of Tetsu’s pain (as he’d expected), or afraid of what they were going to face.

The yakuza thugs had roughed them up, but they hadn’t asked any questions. They moved Tetsu and Yuki back to the nice office with the fish tank, and they waited while somewhere outside, the nighttime crept into morning. Outside the office, Yuki could hear the low murmur of voices, the knocking of boots on tile, the ringing of telephones and clicking of keyboards. It seemed like any normal office, other than the thugs standing around keeping an eye on their young prisoners. One of them had skinned his knuckles a bit from hitting Tetsu and Yuki, and Yuki felt a bit of smug satisfaction watching the thug examine his knuckles and hiss in pain.

Yuki knew the minute Kazutaka Hyoudou arrived; the energy level of the office picked up, and there was a faint chorus of “Boss!” as the man of the hour approached his office.

The man with the print shirt was standing by the door, swaying a little with fatigue, but he picked up as soon as he caught sight of Hyoudou entering his office. “Boss!” he said, giving a small salute. “Good morning!”

“Morning, Handa,” a voice said, and Yuki looked up at the door.

The man standing there could only be Hyoudou. He was wearing a full suit complete with tie; the whole outfit was neatly pressed with not a single fiber out of place, and expensive-looking, from his shiny black shoes all the way up to his sharply creased collar. He stood ramrod straight, giving him a commanding air, even as his hands sat casually in his pockets. Yuki’s eyes strayed up to Hyoudou’s face. It was as straight and angular as the clothing he wore, with thin brows, slicked-back spiky hair, and a bit of a goatee on his chin. Hyoudou’s narrow eyes had gone a little wider when he looked from Handa over to Yuki, and his angled brows quirked upwards. Before Yuki could figure out what this meant, the expression was gone; Hyoudou blinked, and his expression was neutral, coldly considering Yuki before turning back to Handa.

“This them?” Hyoudou said to Handa.

Handa gave another little salute. “Yes, sir!”

If Hyoudou already knew about them, the thugs must have called and told him… well, of course they would have. Had they been waiting all this time just for Hyoudou to kill them himself? Yuki swallowed a lump in his throat as Hyoudou approached him and Tetsu, his nice shoes echoing across the tile.

Hyoudou paused in front of them. He squatted down to get a better look, and Yuki snapped his attention back to the blood-stained tile below him. Up close, Hyoudou’s neatly pressed suit gave off the mixed scents of dry-cleaning fluid and cologne and cigarette smoke.

“So, I heard you two caused my men some trouble last night,” Hyoudou said. His speech wasn’t as rough as Yuki was expecting; like his appearance, it was casual but sophisticated, stiff but relaxed. It wasn’t like the other yakuza he’d met, who took any opportunity to communicate coarse power through their words. “You’re just amateurs, kids, and yet you managed to sneak into the great Seidoukai…”

Hyoudou reached out and took Yuki’s chin in his hand, and Yuki startled. He tried to pull away, but Hyoudou was stronger than he looked; he turned Yuki’s face up towards the light to get a better look, his fingers brushing the bruises on his face and smudging the warm blood across his cheeks. Yuki gritted his teeth, both from the surge of anger at being touched by this man, and at the renewed pain.

Hyoudou gave a little snort of laughter. “Heh, how funny. Well, it’s your lucky day, brats,” he said, letting go of Yuki. Yuki tugged his head back in annoyance. Hyoudou straightened up. “Your lives are in my hands.”

Yuki couldn’t tell if this was meant to be reassuring, or a threat. His words and his tone didn’t seem threatening, but his very presence had an underlying menace. Yuki couldn’t help feeling like a mouse being toyed with by a cat; the cat might seem calm and serene, but it was just waiting to deliver the killing blow.

“Are you two really that hard up for cash?” Hyoudou said, putting his hands back in his pockets. “This is more than just a couple unthinking brats could pull off. I’m curious why you’d go this far.” He paused, turning his sharp eyes on the two prisoners. “Spit it out.”

Testu and Yuki had agreed ahead of time that they wouldn’t talk to the yakuza. If the yakuza found out why they were there and who had told them about it, not only Yancha, but Jun and Ryouji and even Riko might be in trouble.

Was Hyoudou genuinely curious why they wanted the money? Was he actually sympathetic? Or was he just playing with them? Reflecting on his past experience with men like Hyoudou, Yuki was more inclined to think it was the latter. Did Hyoudou think this was funny? Did he get off on the power play? Yuki ground his teeth. No, a man like Hyoudou didn’t give a shit what gutter rats like Yuki and Tetsu needed money for. Standing there in his expensive shoes with his hands in his pockets, Hyoudou couldn’t have any idea what people like Yuki had suffered. Yuki could feel hatred burning through him.

It was bad enough that the worst-case scenario Yuki had pictured had come to pass but at the very least, Hyoudou could have the decency to put them out of their misery quickly.

“Just kill me,” Yuki muttered.

Hyoudou stilled. “What?” he said in a low voice.

Yuki let the hatred and the fear he was feeling carry him to his feet. It was awkward with his hands tied behind his back, but he managed to get his footing enough to stomp towards Hyoudou. The man’s right arm twitched, but he didn’t move as Yuki moved towards him. “I’m not begging anyone for help, so if you’re going to kill me, just go ahead and do it!” Yuki shouted. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw one of the men start to move away from the door.

“Yuki!” Tetsu said from behind him, his voice a little panicked.

“Go on, it’s easy for you, right?!” Yuki spat at Hyoudou’s face.

The cool indifference on Hyoudou’s face creased into anger, and before Yuki could react, Hyoudou wound up and back-handed Yuki across the face. Yuki fell sideways and hit the tile with his full weight, unable to use his arms to brace himself. His vision had gone black for a moment from the force of the blow, and the impact with the floor sent a fresh wave of pain bursting through Yuki’s body. He could only cringe against the floor in shock, his cheek already swelling where Hyoudou had hit it.

“Yuki!” Tetsu yelled again, sounding even more worried. He shifted, but he couldn’t do anything for Yuki with his arms tied behind his back.

Yuki looked back up at Hyoudou, and the mask had fallen away to a livid rage that made Yuki’s anger fall back in terror. “Don’t you spout that kind of self-indulgent bullshit at me, you brat!” Hyoudou snarled, and his voice echoed sharply across the tile floor and ceiling and made Yuki’s ears ring with pain.

Just as soon as the rage had crossed over Hyoudou’s face, it was gone, replaced once again with a neutral expression. “You should try to understand the sort of situation you’re in, huh?” Hyoudou said to Yuki, his tone more relaxed. He stepped towards Yuki. “You know, I’ve changed my mind.” He reached into his jacket, and pulled out a pistol. “If you want to die so badly, then I’ll kill you. You’re right, it’s easy, just as easy as it is for you to die here.” He pointed the gun at Yuki’s head, squeezing the grip safety, and his finger hovered over the trigger.

For a moment that seemed to stretch into eternity, Yuki stared down the barrel of the gun, waiting for Hyoudou to pull the trigger. The bored expression on Hyoudou’s face didn’t waver. He was almost relaxed, his left hand still in his pocket. When Yuki didn’t speak or move to defend himself, the tip of Hyoudou’s index finger curled.

Just when Yuki was sure this was the end, Tetsu threw himself in front of Yuki. “Tetsu?!” Yuki cried, frozen with the fear that Tetsu was about to take the bullet Yuki had all but asked for.

“H… his little brother’s sick, so we needed the money to get him into a hospital!” Tetsu blurted out to Hyoudou. “We targeted this place because we heard there was a safe and there were times the security was lax, that’s all!”

Tetsu’s shouts echoed into silence. No one moved, the two lackeys just standing by the door waiting to see what their boss would do. Tetsu was holding his ground, though he was shaking a little staring down the gun.

After a moment, Hyoudou’s arm lowered, and he tucked the gun back into his jacket with a smirk on his face. “Saved by your honesty, huh, Four Eyes?” he said.

Tetsu just stared back at him in disbelief. Seeing the satisfied look on Hyoudou’s face, Yuki felt a renewed wash of anger. _ That bastard, he was just toying with us, _ Yuki thought. Hyoudou turned away, and Tetsu let out a sigh of relief. Yuki glared at Tetsu’s back. _ Damnit, Tetsu, I thought we agreed not to say anything?! _But he couldn’t say it out loud.

Hyoudou started to pace in front of his desk. “I see,” he said, thinking out loud. “So that’s why you wanted money that couldn’t be tracked.” He stopped. “Alright. I’ll give you the money.”

The guy with the loud shirt – Handa, Yuki thought he’d heard Hyoudou call him that – stepped towards Hyoudou in alarm. “B-boss, are you sure? Isn’t that going too far…”

Hyoudou turned towards Handa. “What if these kids leak to others how they snuck in here?” he said. “You were on duty, so shouldn’t I take your life as well as your pinky, Handa?”

Handa just gulped and dropped his eyes. Hyoudou turned back towards Tetsu and Yuki. “Your lives have purpose, no matter how worthless they seem now,” he said. He turned a critical eye to Tetsu and Yuki. “Will you get on board, or turn around and go home? Take your pick.”

Tetsu looked sidelong at Yuki, uncertain.

Yuki stared back at Hyoudou. Did they really have a choice? Wouldn’t it be best for Hyoudou to just kill them both and be done with it? But if he’d wanted to kill them, not only could he have done it by now, he could have kept his hands clean of the whole thing and told his subordinates to kill them hours ago. Why give Yuki and Tetsu a second chance? It wasn’t like sneaking past that idiot had taken any real skill. Yuki still felt like a mouse under Hyoudou’s paw, and perhaps he continued to live for Hyoudou’s amusement.

Yet here Hyoudou was, dangling the opportunity Yuki needed to save his brother. All he had to do was reach out and take it.

Yuki could practically feel Tetsu staring daggers into him. He swallowed his anger, and ignored Tetsu._ I’m sorry. Please forgive me. _ But he couldn’t say it out loud. Instead he said to Hyoudou, “I’m in.”

Tetsu nearly fell over in shock. “Yuki?!” He straightened up next to Yuki. “You… do you understand what you’re saying?! Don’t complain if you end up getting killed as an assassin or something!”

“I know,” Yuki said in a quiet voice, gazing down at the floor. “I know, but… there’s no time left. Jun’s already…” He trailed off, picturing Jun lying on his bed, soaked in sweat and unresponsive. Yuki looked back up to Hyoudou, who was watching them with detached bemusement. “So, you might as well get some use out of my life, right?”

Hyoudou seemed to take in what Yuki said, though his expression didn’t change. “Once a week,” he said. “Just you is fine. Show up here, once a week, without fail. You can consider this your first job from me. Then, after that, I’ll decide how I want to use your life.”

Hyoudou turned and nodded at Handa, and at first, Handa was in too much shock to react. At a look from Hyoudou, he hurried forward to untie Tetsu and Yuki. As soon as he was free, Tetsu jumped to his feet, stepping next to Yuki. Yuki got up a little slower; he was still in a lot of pain from hitting the floor. Tetsu reached down and helped pull him up by the arm. Yuki winced.

Hyoudou went to his desk and sat down. He frowned at the mess of papers on his desk. “I’ll have one of my men give the central hospital a call,” he said to Yuki without looking. “We’ve got contacts over there. Don’t know if they’ll have a bed open or not, wait until tomorrow to take your brother in, if it can wait.”

Yuki nodded; realizing Hyoudou couldn’t see it, he said, “Okay.”

Hyoudou quirked an eyebrow and looked up, leaning his cheek on one hand. “Got something you want to say to me, brat?”

“It’s _ Yukio _,” Yuki said. Handa cuffed him across the back of the head, and Yuki cringed with pain. Tetsu jerked forward but managed to restrain himself from retaliating against Handa.

Hyoudou smirked. “Yukio. Didn’t your mother teach you any manners?”

Yuki could feel his gut roiling with anger, but Handa was practically breathing down his neck. Yuki forced his back to bend into a bow. “Thank you,” he muttered.

Hyoudou yawned. “Now get out of my office, you’re getting blood everywhere,” he said, waving them away. Handa pushed Tetsu and Yuki towards the door. On the way out, Yuki could hear Hyoudou call from behind him, “See you next week, Yukio.”

* * *

A plate shattered against the floor at Ryouji’s feet. “What the… what happened to you two?!” Ryouji said.

Tetsu and Yuki had tried to sneak back to their rooms, but Ryouji had caught them at the back door while doing dishes. That made twice in one day they had managed to screw up sneaking in somewhere.

“It’s not as bad as it looks,” Tetsu said.

“I hope not, because you look like shit.” Ryouji stepped over the shards of the plate to get a better look at Tetsu. His fingers brushed the bruises on Tetsu’s face, and Tetsu hissed with pain. “L-let me go get the first aid kit, stay here!” Ryouji ran out of the hallway. 

“What’s wrong? I thought I heard something break,” Riko said, stepping out of the restaurant towards the back. She looked up at Tetsu and Yuki, froze, and let out a scream of horror.

“Is it that bad?” Yuki groaned.

“_Bad? _ Did you guys get hit by a _ truck? _” Riko said, her words a little bit muffled behind her hands covering her mouth. She stepped closer to them, eyeing the blood splattered on their shirts. “That’s gonna stain, take off your shirts, I’ll wash them.” She held her hand out, the other on her hip. 

Tetsu clutched his arms. “You just want to see us naked, you pervert!” he joked. “Don’t do it, Yuki!” But Yuki was already pulling his shirt off over his head, shaking the hair out of his eyes. 

Riko’s eyes went wide, but she wasn’t looking at Yuki’s chest. “Yuki, your side!” she said, pointing at his left side.

“Huh?” Yuki craned his head down to look at his side, and almost fell over. Huge purple bruises, almost black, covered his left shoulder and elbow and peeked out on his hip above the line of his pants.

“Oh, that really looks like it hurts,” Riko said, her eyes watering.

Yuki shrugged. “It’ll heal. Guess I’m not sleeping on that side, though.”

Riko took the shirt from Yuki and gave Tetsu a pointed look. Grumbling, Tetsu shifted out of his jacket and pulled his shirt off. He shoved both items towards Riko, who gave him a smug look before she turned and ran out of the room. 

Ryouji reappeared, clutching a big plastic toolbox. He nodded at Tetsu and Yuki. “Let’s go to the office,” he said. He herded the two in front of him until they were all crowded into the office/pantry space, and closed the door behind them. He slammed the box down on the desk and gave Tetsu and Yuki a sharp look. “Okay, spill.”

“What? It was nothing,” Tetsu said.

“_Nothing? _ You both look terrible. Look at Yuki!” Ryouji said, gesturing at Yuki’s side.

Tetsu sat on the desk next to the kit. “A job went bad, and we got cornered by a gang of punks. We got away, but they worked us over pretty good first.”

Yuki glanced at Tetsu out of the corner of his eye. It wasn’t entirely true, but it wasn’t exactly a lie, either.

Ryouji frowned at Yuki. “Is that true?”

Yuki nodded. “Sorry, Ryouji, we just didn’t want to worry you. We’re fine, really.”

Ryouji looked like he didn’t fully believe them, but he turned towards the first aid kit and flipped up the lock. “Well, let me take a look at your wounds, anyway. I might need to grab you some ice, too.”

Yuki and Tetsu sat in obedient silence as Ryouji cleaned the blood off their faces and checked over their bruises and wounds. He got them both ice packs, though Yuki felt like it would take a whole bathtub full of ice to cover all his bruises.

When he was done, Ryouji leaned back and crossed his arms. “I know you guys weren’t here last night, so why don’t you head up to bed? I’ll come check on you later.”

Tetsu jumped off the desk. “Cool, thanks Ryouji,” he said, rubbing the stiffness from his neck.

Ryouji stepped in front of him just before he could reach the door. “I don’t know what it is you guys are getting mixed up in,” he said. “But I don’t want to see you come back like this again. You hear me?”

Tetsu leaned away, looking a bit sheepish. “Y… yeah, whatever,” he mumbled.

Ryouji frowned at him, but stepped out of the way. Tetsu dropped his eyes and pushed past him. Yuki made to follow him, but Ryouji’s arm shot out to stop him. He leaned in and dropped his voice so only Yuki could hear him. “You remember what I said to you, right, Yuki?”

It took Yuki a moment to remember what Ryouji was talking about. Being in the office reminded him of the first time he met Ryouji, and Ryouji had cut his hair. _ If you hurt Tetsu, then you can’t stay here _. Yuki swallowed, and nodded.

“Tetsu might think he can lie to me,” Ryouji said, “but I hope you’d at least tell me the truth, Yuki. You’re not getting Tetsu into trouble, are you?”

Yuki hesitated. “N… no, he’s not in any trouble,” he said. Well, it wasn’t a lie; Tetsu hadn’t agreed to join the Seidoukai, after all. “But… isn’t that for Tetsu to decide? He’s not a little kid. He can make his own decisions. I can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to.”

Ryouji’s eyes narrowed. He dropped his arm. “I guess that’s true enough. But… whatever this is that you guys have gotten wrapped up in… if you care about Tetsu, don’t drag him with you.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t,” Yuki said, turning away to follow Tetsu, who was waiting at the foot of the stairs.

“What’d he want?” Tetsu said, his hands in his pockets.

“Nothing, just getting on my case,” Yuki muttered.

Tetsu turned and stomped up the stairs, Yuki on his heels. “Wish he’d stay out of our business,” he said. At the top of the stairs, he turned to face Yuki and gave a wide yawn. “I’m fucking beat. I’m going to bed. You going to be okay?”

“Yeah, it’s fine,” Yuki said, turning the ice pack around in his hands.

Tetsu furrowed his brow, looking as if he wanted to say something, but he turned away towards his room. “I’ll see you later, Yuki,” he said.

“Later,” Yuki said, watching him walk away. Just as Tetsu opened his door and was about to step inside, Yuki stepped forward. “Wait!”

Tetsu leaned back to look at Yuki. “What?”

Yuki gazed down at the ice pack in his hands. “Um… thanks, for everything. If it wasn’t for you, I… he might’ve…” Yuki trailed off into silence.

Tetsu looked away. “Well, I won’t be able to be there next time. I really hope you know what you’re doing.” He stepped into his room and slammed the door shut.

Yuki sighed and turned to his own room, opening the door and slipping inside, closing it gently. He peered around the corner at the bed, where Jun was lying almost just as Yuki had left him, but facing the opposite way. Yuki leaned down to untie his shoes and pull them off, tossing them next to the TV. As he approached the bed, Jun stirred and opened his eyes.

“Brother? Is that you?” Jun said in a weak voice.

Yuki crawled onto the bed. “Yeah, it’s me.”

Jun blinked and rubbed at his eyes. “What happened? You’re all black and blue.”

“Nothing, Jun, just had a bit of trouble on a job.”

Jun didn’t seem to be listening. He rolled onto his back and reached out to brush the bruises on Yuki’s arm. Yuki winced, but didn’t pull away. “Did Uncle hurt you again?” Jun muttered. “He shouldn’t do that. That’s bad.”

Yuki looked down at Jun. Watching Jun fade in and out was worse than any of the pain he was feeling in his side or head. He slid down the bed to lie next to Jun, ignoring the ache in his side. “Hey, guess what, Jun? I met someone today. He’s going to help me get you to the hospital. That’s great, right? They’ll help you feel better.”

Jun murmured and rolled over to curl up next to Yuki. “Okay, Brother,” he murmured.

Yuki cradled Jun’s head against his chest, feeling Jun’s fever radiate heat against his skin.

The future felt as uncertain as ever, but at least, Jun would be saved.

Yuki laid his head on the pillow, and was asleep in less than a minute.

* * *

Yuki hated being in the hospital. The crowds in the lobby, the acrid scent of antiseptic, the droning beeps of machinery; it all grated on his nerves. He could ignore all of his discomfort if it meant getting to see Jun. It had been three weeks since he carried Jun in through the front doors, and he came by as often as he could. 

He walked the now familiar path through the hallways with Tetsu by his side, until they reached Jun’s door. Yuki glanced at the name tag, and reached out to pull open the door. The door rattled in its frame as it slid back.

It said a lot about their benefactor that Jun had a room all to himself. It had a big window that let in plenty of afternoon sunlight, gleaming off the polished tile floor and the crisp white linens of the bed. A suffocating cloud of lily pollen from a vase under the window masked the sharp scent of rubbing alcohol and disinfectant. A mobile dangled from the ceiling above the bed. The usual monitoring equipment and IV stand had been rolled into the corner; it must be a good day.

Jun was reading a book when they opened the door. He had a whole bookshelf full of them under the window, along with an assortment of toys that went mostly untouched. The rattle of the door made Jun look up from his book.

“Yo, Jun,” Yuki said, leaning against the doorframe.

Tetsu leaned over his shoulder. “Heya!”

Jun’s face lit up into a bright smile. “Brother! Tecchan!” Even though Jun had gotten the hang of Tetsu’s name, he still called him by a nickname; Riko had encouraged it, finding it utterly adorable, and Yuki had to agree. “It’s getting late, I thought you weren’t going to come by today.”

Yuki strolled forward and pulled up a seat at a stool next to the bed. Tetsu followed him, but since there weren’t any other chairs, he just hovered at Yuki’s side. “Sorry, had some dumb crap to take care of,” Yuki said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small chapter book, setting it on the table nestled over the bed. “Here ya go, got a new one for you.”

Jun eagerly reached out and grabbed it, holding the cover up to examine it. “This is the one I wanted! Thanks, Brother!”

Yuki would never get tired of the glowing happiness that shone on Jun’s face whenever he got a new book. Yuki slumped forward to fold his arms on the table. “Yup. You really love books, huh?” He jumped one leg up and down on the tile and tucked the other underneath the stool. “Your Big Bro can’t stand ‘em, they’ll put me to sleep in five minutes flat.”

Jun put the book down to look at Yuki. “You fall asleep?!”

Yuki grinned. “Yep, can’t hang on more than 5 minutes before I’m out cold.”

“_Really? _” Jun started to laugh, and the sound was infectious; Yuki laughed, too, mostly out of relief to see Jun doing so well. Eventually the laughter died down, and Jun trailed off, his gaze unfocusing and the smile sliding off of his face.

Yuki noticed the change and sat up a little straighter. “What’s wrong?”

Jun’s gaze flickered back and forth. “Ah, nothing…” But he still had that forlorn look on his face.

“What’s up? Spit it out.”

Jun’s shoulders started to drift towards his ears. After a moment of internal struggle, he finally started to talk. “Brother, I really wanna stay with you guys,” he said. “I think I’m okay to go home now, I’ve been doing better lately and the medicine’s working… so…”

Yuki interjected, “Is that what the doctor said?”

Jun flinched. “Um, not like that, but…”

“Then the answer’s no.”

“But the money… ah!” Jun gasped and put a hand to his mouth as if he’d let something slip. His face went red, and he stared down at his hands. “Ah, um, that is… uh…”

Yuki sighed. So, that’s what this really was about. He leaned back, the stool creaking in protest. “Is that what’s on your mind?” he said. “Didn’t I already explain not to worry about the money?”

“But, I thought it might be hard for you… so I…” Jun trailed off, biting his lip.

The moment stretched out between them. It didn’t seem like so long ago that Yuki was struggling to keep Jun alive, and yet here they were now, with Jun worrying about him. In comparison to what he had once suffered, visiting that yakuza asshole at his office and playing chess once a week was only painful insofar as he felt an excruciating amount of _ boredom_. What Hyoudou really wanted, Yuki could only guess; the man was difficult to read. He just wasn’t like the other men that Yuki had known. In any case, he’d kept his word to pay for his brother’s hospital bills, and that was all that really mattered to Yuki. For once, he felt like he could breathe a little.

Jun’s tiny, frail hands clenched the folds of the sheets, trembling slightly. Yuki reached out to brush the top of the boy’s brown hair, ruffling the soft locks which reflected the sunlight. 

“Don’t be silly,” Yuki said, as the boy jumped in surprise. Yuki gave him a reassuring smile. “We’ve already been through the worst, and we both survived, didn’t we?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story continues in the manga! Thanks for reading! :)


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